When I come to think of our relationship, I miss many things about it.
When I think about it, somehow I always forget about everything bad that was going on between us and somehow, I only think about the beautiful things. I only think about everything good we went through together and about all the beautiful memories we shared together.
It is like I have forgotten about all the tears I cried while we were together and as if I have forgotten about all the pain I experienced during our relationship.
It is like I have somehow managed to forget all the fights and all the disappointments I experienced while I was with you.
It is like I have forgotten about all the times I cried myself to sleep and about all the mornings I wished I hadn’t woken up.
Instead, I think about all the nights I spent peacefully sleeping next to you and all the blissful mornings I was happy just for the fact that you were lying by my side.
I think of all the times you made me feel alive and as if I was on top of the world. I remember every time you made me happy and each time you made me smile and laugh.
I think of every time you held me in your arms, every time you kissed me and every time you showed me you loved me.
I choose to focus on things like this and I choose to believe they were all true, even if they weren’t.
If someone asked me why I don’t think of anything bad, I wouldn’t know the answer. I guess this is my brain trying to protect me from reliving all the pain I went through in the past, by only remembering the good stuff.
But I think this is becoming counterproductive. Because it makes me miss you and everything the two of us were.
When I come to think about you, I always think of the times when you were the kind and loving guy I fell in love with.
I remember all the goodnight and good morning texts you never failed to send me.
I remember how you kissed me and how I felt enormous love in those kisses.
I remember every time you surprised me and every time you tried really hard to put a smile on my face.
I miss the person you were before you changed or before you showed me your true colors.
I miss how happy you were by my side.
But even more, I miss how happy I was when I was with you. Because that was the last time I experienced and felt true happiness.
I’ll never know if all the things you kept telling me were true and if you were honest while you behaved like you loved me.
But whatever the truth is, I know that you made me the happiest person alive.
Despite all the pain you were causing me when you were by my side, I felt like I was capable of everything and I felt like nothing and nobody could stop me.
I felt like I had all the strength and power of this world and as if I could accomplish everything as long as you were holding my hand.
This was the only time when I really lived in the moment. The time when I didn’t think about the past and about all the things that had happened before. I didn’t think of the future and I wasn’t scared of it, for the first time ever.
I didn’t think of the different possibilities, of how things could have or would have been.
Instead, I simply enjoyed the present moment.
I enjoyed the fact that I loved you and you loved me.
And that is something I never felt before or after you.
Ever since you left, I feel like I’ve become a different person.
Yes, it is possible that I’ve become smarter and more cautious. It is possible that I’ve become more experienced and that I’ve learned a lot from this.
But the point is that I am not as happy as I used to be.
So that’s the truth—I do miss you and I do miss us. But most of all, I miss myself and the person I was while I was yours.