Here are some of the things you’ll never hear me say out loud, even if my life depends on it.
The things which have been killing me ever since your departure and the things I’m too proud to admit, even to myself.
Here is a list of things I’ll never have the courage to tell you.
1. You ruined me
I know I play all tough in front of you. Every time I see you, I pretend like your actions didn’t hurt me.
But guess what: when you left, you didn’t just break my heart. In fact, you broke me as well.
Ever since you’ve been gone, I’ve felt like a wreck. I shattered into millions of pieces and there is no way for me to put myself back together.
You destroyed me completely and to be honest, I don’t even know how to begin the repairing process.
The truth is that you left deep wounds on my heart and they still haven’t started to heal.
You changed me forever. You killed the innocent girl I used to be and you turned me into a bitter and negative woman.
You turned me into ashes and I’m not sure whether I’ll ever have the strength to rise.
2. I’ve never loved anyone this much
There, I said it. You’re the most important man in my life, even after everything you did to me.
I’ve never wanted you to know this but the truth is that nobody stands a chance against you.
Not one of my exes, and certainly none of the guys I’ve dated since you left.
The scariest part is that I’m pretty sure that I will never love any other man this much.
To be honest, I wasn’t even aware that I could love someone as much as I loved you. What a waste of emotions, right?
3. I look for you in everyone
If you ask around, you’ll discover that I didn’t turn into a nun after we broke up.
You’ll conclude that I’m not sitting patiently waiting for you to come back.
No, I don’t reject every man who approaches me. I don’t pretend to still be taken while you’re out there living the life of a bachelor.
The truth is that I’m back on the dating market. I don’t sleep with every guy who comes around but I don’t live a life of celibacy either.
So, everyone assumes that I must be over you, since I can date again.
Well, what they don’t know is that I’m looking for you in every man I meet.
I date them because they have a similar voice to you or because they use the cologne you used to wear.
Some of them look at me the way you once did and some have a smile which reminds me of you.
However, none of them is you and no one ever will be. The truth is that I run for the hills every time I realize that.
4. You made me question my worth
Ever since you walked away from me, you’ve made me doubt my own value. You’ve made me wonder why I wasn’t enough for you.
You see, I gave you my best, without holding anything back. So, if my best version wasn’t enough for you, what would have made you stay?
How will I be able to keep any man by my side, if I didn’t succeed with you? Am I not worthy of someone’s love?
Why wasn’t I worthy of your love?
I bet you never thought that these questions would keep on bothering me. After all, I appear to be so confident, don’t I?
Well, you destroyed my confidence. You turned me into an insecure wreck with no self-esteem.
5. I hate you
By now, you must think I’m some kind of a lunatic, right? I’ve just confessed to you that I’ve never loved someone as much as I loved you and now, here I am, telling you that I hate you.
Doesn’t make much sense, does it? Well, sorry but that’s how I feel right now.
I love you with all of my heart but I also hate your guts. I can’t explain it either.
Nevertheless, what matters is that you’re still alive inside of me-one way or another.
It doesn’t matter if I’m obsessed with love or hatred, you still exist in my head and heart.
6. But I still expect you to come back
Ironically, I still expect you to come back. It’s not that I consciously want it-I just can’t seem to kill my hopes off.
Every time my phone rings, for a split of a second, I think it’s you.
Every time I run into your best friend, I expect him to tell me that you mentioned me.
I turn around every time I see a car similar to yours. I get nervous whenever I pass by your street, expecting you to call my name.
The truth is I hope that one day, you’ll come knocking on my door. That remorse will kill you once you realize what you lost.
I want you to wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by regret. I want you to miss me as much as I miss you.
I want you to come back. But at the same time, I want you to stay away.
