Dear love, dear happiness, dear pain, dear past…
I am unsure of how to start this letter because can’t quite fit all you were to me into just one word. You were my greatest love and the hardest lesson.
You made me the happiest I’ve ever been and you made me the most miserable. It’s funny how you can experience the time of your life and the low of your life all with one person.
When I think of you when I reminisce, I think about all those small simple but amazing moments that cannot be described by words. The moments of true happiness.
Like the nights we had slumber parties just for the two of us. We would cuddle up in bed and watch a movie. Nothing major but I loved those nights the most.
I felt that that’s where I belong, right there with you, in the warmth of your embrace.
I have to admit that I think about those nights and moments we shared every time I start thinking about you. I miss that feeling of warmth, belonging and safety I once had with you. But that feeling is long gone. It faded away while I was still with you.
With time, I think about you less and less. But even on those nights when I think about all those heartwarming moments, I can’t help but think about those that made the blood in my veins freeze from fear.
You know those moments—where you had complete blackouts and you would just start screaming at me for no good reason. When you would call me all sorts of names.
When you were saying I am no good for you and that it’s my fault that you are acting the way you are acting. I provoked you. I awakened the monster inside of you.
You would calm down eventually. You would say you loved me, that you didn’t mean those nasty things you said. But ‘Love you’ and ‘I’m sorry’ didn’t mean much from the monster I saw in you.
Everything changed after the first time you acted like that. And there were more and more moments like that. You changed completely. You became someone I no longer recognized.
You would get mad often, and when I was mad at you, you would put all the blame back on me. You even justified your actions. Even though they were unjustifiable.
You wouldn’t come home at night. You said you were with friends. You never wanted to do anything with me or go anywhere with me. I couldn’t let go of you so easily. I couldn’t give up on you.
I kept thinking you were going to be the man I once knew. The loving, kind creature, who thought the world of me. The one who was understanding. The one who supported me.
The one who appreciated me for everything I was and everything I was giving to him. The one who enjoyed those little tiny moments with me.
That man I had once known disappeared. Eventually, my strength to fight for you disappeared as well. I never again felt that warmth. I never again felt safe with you.
I never again felt loved. I felt that I was alone even when you were there.
I knew it’s time to fight, not to stay, not to change you or hope that you will change yourself. I had been doing that all along.
The time came when I had to start fighting to let go just as hard I was fighting to stay—perhaps even harder.
I want you to know that was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I loved you even though you changed. I loved you even when I left because I couldn’t stop loving you. But I had to.
You left me no other option. Your behavior got worse. You had days when you would be your old self but those days were just calm before the raging storms.
It wasn’t life anymore—it was surviving. I wanted more. I deserved more. It wasn’t love any more. True love isn’t supposed to feel like torture. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel the warmth one moment and terror the next one.
This is my last letter to you Dear Past because that’s everything you are to me now. Just a distant memory of a love that could’ve been but never was. It never was because you never knew what love is.
You taught me how things should never look like. You taught me what love is not. I am grateful for that.
I still think of you sometimes, maybe I always will, but that’s normal—you were my greatest love, my hardest goodbye, and the biggest lesson I ever learned.