When I first saw you, I never thought you’d become something special to me. Yes, you were cute and attractive, and as I was getting to know you, I saw that you were also witty and fun to be around.
But so were numerous other girls I had hooked up with in the past.
And that is what I thought you’d be—just another girl going through my life and through my bed.
But you turned out to be way different.
From the beginning, I felt like I was emotionally naked in front of you.
I felt like you saw right through my shield and that you saw the real me. I felt like you saw all my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
And in a way, I hated you for that. And I was doing everything in my power to prove to you that I really was the tough guy who I appeared to be.
Silly me thought that the best way to show you this would be to show you that I am heartless and that nothing could ever get to me.
So even when I started loving you, I made sure you didn’t see it.
For years, I tried hard to chase you away from me. And because I didn’t know how it feels when a woman loves you deeply, I subconsciously tested your love for me.
I cheated on you with other girls who meant nothing to me. I took you for granted and never appreciated any of the sacrifices you made for me.
But even back then, I started realizing that you were special to me. I saw that I was growing to love you.
Although this doesn’t justify me, the truth is that I was too scared of these feelings which were new to me and I was doing everything in my power to make them go away.
At the same time, I became so certain in your love for me that I thought you would always stay by my side, despite all the pain I was causing you and no matter what I did to you.
But the funny thing was that I was trying so hard to chase you away, but at the same time, I would get scared every time I saw you were about to leave me.
Every time you were about to walk away from me, I did everything in my power to keep you around.
And then, when I had you back, I would immediately go back to my old ways.
The truth is that I still have no idea why I did all those things I did to you.
The truth is that I still don’t know why I treated you the way I did and why I couldn’t have been the man you deserved me to be.
But when you finally walked away from me for good, I remembered everything you had ever told me.
I remembered how you told me that this was the last time you were leaving me and that I was out of second chances. How you told me you’d had enough of me and that you were never coming back.
And of course, I didn’t believe you. I thought you were just threatening me to get my attention or to make me come to my senses.
But after a while, I saw that you were really serious. I saw that I couldn’t do anything to make you come back.
And that was when everything hit me.
I remembered how you kept telling me that I would eventually regret losing you and that no other woman would ever love me the way you loved me.
How I would spend the rest of my life haunted by everything I did to you.
I remembered how you kept telling me that I would search for you in every other woman I encountered.
I just want to tell you that you were right about every single thing you told me. After all these years, I still regret letting you go and I still think of you.
I guess you would die to hear these words coming out of my mouth back then. But I know they don’t mean anything to you now and I know it’s too late.
I don’t want you to think that I am writing you this to beg you to come back to me because that would be pointless, after all these years.
I just want to tell you leaving me was the best and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.
Yes, it was the most painful experience of my life.
But at the same time, it sobered me up and helped me become the man you wanted me to be.
You really are the only woman who ever loved me. And now I know that you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.
by Owen Scott
Monday 30th of July 2018
This resonates with me from beginning to end. Right down to the fact that I would've loved to have heard those words back then but they'd mean nothing today.