You left me alone, all alone with just memories of happy times, with tears on my face and with this pain that doesn’t want to leave.
When I close my eyes, I can still smell your cologne, I can feel your lips pressed against mine, I can go back to moments when I was overwhelmed with joy.
It’s like I am an emotional masochist and I keep intentionally hurting myself. I keep reminiscing the good, all the fun, tender and heartwarming moments and I keep forgetting that the bad ever happened.
I keep forgetting that you left me alone before you physically walked away from me. The truth is even when you were right beside me, I felt so lonely.
You never gave me what I needed, you never gave me yourself, you never gave me your heart.
Was I asking for too much? Did I have some unreasonable expectations?
All I wanted was you, your presence. But you only gave me ounces of attention. I wanted you to hold me tight without me having to ask for a hug.
I wanted you to plan ahead and ask me to go somewhere with you and not just drop by my apartment and hang out whenever it was convenient.
Only when it was convenient. Only when I was in a good mood. Only when the situation suited you.
You never cared for my tears. You never cared about why I was upset or stressed out. You never wanted to know the ‘difficult’ stuff, you were only there while the sunshiney days lasted.
Even then, even when I was somebody who meant so much to you, you left me alone.
And I stayed, in spite of it. In spite of the fact that I always lacked support and I had to be the one holding our entire relationship on my shoulders.
I tried. I kept on giving as much as I could and even more than that. I invested everything I had, put my heart and my soul into our relationship and it wasn’t enough.
I wasn’t enough, or at least you never made me feel that way. You never said aloud that I should change but you did everything in your power to make me feel that way.
You filled my mind with fears and insecurities while I was keeping you on a pedestal.
There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you.
I answered your coldness with warmth and sweetness. I hugged the distance between us and I kept pulling you closer.
I wanted you to feel my love. I wanted to show you that you were not alone. That you had somebody who cared for you deeply.
And you… as always… did nothing…
You didn’t even lift your little finger. I guess you felt entitled to all that I was giving you and you took it for granted. You knew I wouldn’t stop making an effort, no matter how lousy you treated me.
Maybe you were right, I don’t know, I never did get the chance to find out. All I know is that I thank God every single day because you walked away.
You left me alone and I found myself.
Because with you, I was lost. I was a shadow of the person that I used to be. I became somebody who didn’t have her voice anymore, I became someone under your control.
I neglected my friends, my family, my goals and interests and I became codependent. Instead of living my life, I lived yours.
I did my best to accommodate you and make you feel happy and in all of that, I forgot that I deserved to be happy too.
Loving you made me forget that I need to love myself too.
I needed to be reminded of that and I guess that there was no other way than to reach rock bottom. I had to be broken so I could pick myself back again.
I had to build my life back up from scratch. So I started with the people who are important to me and I asked for their forgiveness. It was my fault for allowing us to drift apart. I was so focused on you that I lost sight of reality.
I almost lost the ones who love me unconditionally. I know you don’t know what that means, you never knew how to love that way.
I’ve changed. But not the way you wanted me to. I still wouldn’t fit your ideals even if I tried. I did it because I felt that inner desire for change. It was time I made myself happy.
You wouldn’t recognize me now. I am fearless now. I finally left that comfort zone that was suffocating me. I travel now. There are a lot of places to see and they are all on my list.
I run now, every morning before I go to work; can you believe it? The lazy me you always used to make fun of. I am sweating you and all of the accumulated stress out of my system.
I even dyed my hair and it’s a bit shorter. I want to look in the mirror and love the woman staring back at me. I know that new hair isn’t everything but it’s a start and I already feel a whole lot better.
I focused on making my life richer, I took a photography class, I swim, I am remodeling my apartment and I learned to fix a few things myself. I read. I watch movies. I make time for myself and every Saturday night I make some time for my friends and cocktails too.
I’m more ambitious now, I am not burdened by you anymore, by your desires or your self-doubts telling me I can’t make it.
I can make it no matter how many times I fall; I always get back up again and that makes me grow, that makes me stronger, that makes me into a woman I am proud of.
I’m more independent and more satisfied with life in general. I am finally breathing easy.
The irony in it all is that I do miss you sometimes. Not you so much as those perfect, heart-melting moments we shared.
But I snap out of those fantasies really quickly because they come with a price I’m not willing to pay. They come with the price of my happiness, my inner peace, and my self-love.
And there is nothing in this world, not even you, I would trade that for.
