I should’ve seen through your crap a long, long time ago… but in a way, I’m kind of glad I didn’t. Because if I had, my life at this very moment would not be the same.
Let’s rewind.
Meeting you for the first time truly took my breath away… You were the most charming man I had ever met… and you looked so good that I wanted to do you there and then, I can’t even lie. You were a walking dream.
Naturally, I wasn’t immune to your charm or your sweet, sweet lies (unbeknownst to me at the time) so it really didn’t take me long to fall for you wholly.
Before I could wrap my head around it, you were very much a part of my life and it felt so good having this handsome, witty, charming man by my side, who everyone seemingly respected and all the girls wanted to have. I was childishly proud that I was the one who grabbed you first.
It’s so silly thinking about it now… but the instant lust I felt for you at the time completely blinded me and it literally weakened my ability to judge character.
I always thought I could never be that girl who fell for a smooth talker but there I was… completely smitten by a man whose touch made me shiver and whose words I believed blindly, like all common sense had vanished from my head.
You knew the hold you had over me and you didn’t hesitate to use it against me. You knew all you needed to do was tell me what I craved to hear and I was yours from head to toe.
You knew that your touch made me incapable of thinking soundly… and that your presence made me weak. You pressed your lips on mine… and I felt it in my entire body. I was hooked on the way you made me feel.
You took advantage of my feelings for you. You played with my mind like a toy and my body was your sanctuary that you were allowed in whenever you wanted it and I never complained. I let you play with me, because it made me feel so damn good… but what it also did was make me look like a complete fool.
I was never the girl who would let animalistic infatuation take control of her life. I was never the girl who would fall for sweet nothings and who craved a man’s presence to the point of feeling hollow without him.
But meeting you changed all that. I let you in my head and I lost all control over my life. For as long as you wanted me, you had me, I was yours.
Until one day you decided that you had enough.
I guess you realized that you had used me in all the ways you possibly could and it was time for your next victim. So you just pushed me out of your life, like we never existed. Like I hadn’t let you inside my mind and my body more times than I wish I had.
I felt so used, betrayed and shamed… I felt like the biggest fool for letting you inside my life, subconsciously knowing it would never lead to anything good but giving in to lust and temptation.
I felt like I wasn’t myself anymore. I didn’t recognize the girl in the mirror. How could I go against my better judgment and give a conniving asshole access to my mind and body? How could I be so superficial and weak?
You vanished… and I all I was left with was pain and regret. And a promise that I would never, ever let myself be so blinded and fooled again.
It was hell trying to get over you and learning to forgive myself. It was hell knowing I had to continue living my life with this shame… and finding ways to not resent you for being such a manipulative narcissist.
But I pushed through it. I learned to live with this and what I finally realized was that I was not the one to blame for this. It was you and only you. So instead of feeling this perpetual regret, shame and guilt, I turned it into something positive for myself.
I turned this rotten experience with you into an invaluable lesson.
I would have never really known my strength and my power, had I not let you use me and play me for a fool. It really does take a shitty, painful experience to realize how strong you truly are and that is exactly how I choose to see this.
Now, I think twice before letting anyone close to me. Now, it takes a lot more than a hot body and empty words to win me over. And now, nobody has access to my body unless I can honestly say that there’s a future there.
You’ve made me so much more careful and if it wasn’t for you, who knows how long it would have taken me to realize what I know now.
I wish I could see you one more time. But only to make you see that you didn’t break me and you didn’t destroy my faith in love. You didn’t shake me and I’m still standing.
All you did was teach me a lesson I’ll never forget.
I don’t resent you anymore and I don’t hate myself. That is such a waste of time.
Instead, I choose to believe that every experience holds a valuable lesson and you were mine. Nothing more and nothing less.
