Welcome to the ultimate list of hilarious husband-wife jokes that will make you laugh out loud for days!
It’s true that married life can be hard but it can also be hilarious!
All of you who are married have probably experienced plenty of difficult situations as well as hilarious ones that make marriage all the more exciting.
From annoying snoring or marriage fights to everyday funny circumstances, marriage is anything but boring!
It is an endless source of inspiration which is proven in the following funniest husband-wife jokes no one can stay indifferent to.
Regardless of whether it is a clean joke, a dirty joke or a short joke,
Lord knows that every good joke is worthy of every lost breath and stomach ache from laughing.
They make our life more colorful and serve as comic relief in difficult situations.
These funny jokes include marriage jokes, wedding jokes, anniversary jokes and other related wife and husband jokes that are simply hilarious!
So, instead of wasting time talking about it, let’s dive together into the humorous sea of husband-wife jokes and laugh out loud until we burst! Hooray!!
FUNNY HUSBAND-WIFE JOKES
1. The Wrong Finger
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
2. It’s A Computer, Not A Husband!
Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly, darling! It’s a computer, not a husband!!
3. Thank God!
A husband and wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair.
The husband is on his deathbed and says, “Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?”
The wife says, “I swear to all that is holy, he is your son.”
Then the husband dies and the wife mutters, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
4. Wife Wanted
A man placed an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted.’
Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
5. A Petrol Pump
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump.
And then the fight started…
6. Bachelor Vs Married Man
What’s the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A bachelor comes home, checks out what’s in the fridge and goes to bed.
A married man comes home, checks out what’s in the bed and goes to the fridge.
7. The Cost Of Being Married
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
8. Are You Going To Tell Her, Dad?
While playing in the backyard, little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it and then looks up to find little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
9. A Diamond Ring
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
10. Might Be The Wine Talking…
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”
11. The Living Room
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.
12. I Know All About It
Abner’s wife was lying on her deathbed.
She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something or my soul will never know peace.
I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it.
Why else have I poisoned you?”
13. Brewing Coffee
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?”
The wife looks confused. “But that’s your task, honey.”
“It’s all over the Bible, dearest.”
“The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!”
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: “See? Everywhere. Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
14. Sucking Blood
A man and his wife have to go to the doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
15. Excellent Advice
We had some problems and after a while, decided to go for marriage counseling.
And despite my initial reservations, I must say we got some excellent advice, like I should treat my wife as I did when we started dating.
So last week, I took her to the cinema and then I dropped her off at her parents’!
16. Mad Wife
A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door, she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.” He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
17. A 5-Star Restaurant
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said, “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him, “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied, “That’s at home, my dear. Here, the chef knows how to cook…”
18. Fatherly Wisdom
Son: Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.
Father: Son, that’s true everywhere.
19. Perfect Wife
Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a hot wife and a cooperative wife.
Sadly, bigamy is against the law.
See also: 22 Signs You Are Perfect Wife Material (According To Men)
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died, would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Yeah, I guess so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left-handed.”
21. Just Ask Your Husband!
A wife goes on a retreat for work.
When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from. I don’t do the laundry!”
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties, just ask your husband!”
22. What A Woman Wants
American scientists finally found out what a woman wants.
Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.
23. Anniversary Celebration
Her: It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it?
Him: With a minute of silence?
24. A Warning Signal
“Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?”
“Because there’s a wedding going on.”
“But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?”
25. Part Of The Deal
“Fancy that, Bob. I bought my wife an amazing white gold necklace with a platinum pendant and she didn’t speak to me for a month!”
“Really?! What got her so upset?”
“Nothing, that was part of the deal.”
26. An Idiot
Her: “All my friends are telling me I married an idiot!”
Him: “What they mean is, only an idiot would’ve married you!”
27. I Agree
In the end, you just give up and go, “I agree.”
28. An Invitation
Reading a letter at the breakfast table, a wife suddenly looked at her husband suspiciously.
“Henry, I’ve just received a letter from my mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we don’t appear to want her.
What does she mean? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I made it ‘risk’.”
Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.
30. The New Glasses
Her: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
Him: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
Her: “True but I do.”
31. A Wrong Number
A wife hangs up after about half an hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised. “Wow, that was quick. Usually you women are at it for two hours at least!”
“Yeah, well, it was a wrong number.”
32. Millionaire Man
A woman says, “I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire!”
Her friend asks, “And what was he before?”
The woman says, “A billionaire.”
33. Oh No!
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter goes over and asks what happened.
The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!!” (Sobs) “Today that month is over.”
34. Beer Vs Make-Up
“Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.”
“No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.”
“Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.”
My wife’s cooking is so bad, we usually pray after our food.
See also: 16 Signs Food Is Too Much Of A Priority For You
I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome. I mean, I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday
I got a call telling me my wife had been taken to hospital.
“Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked.
“I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse.
“What the heck is she complaining about again?!”
38. A 60-Year-Old Millionaire
A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he landed such a hot 23-year-old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire. “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him how old he said he was.
“Well,” he replied. “I said I was 87!”
39. Three Rings
Marriage is an institution of three rings. An engagement ring, a wedding ring and suffering.
40. Attractive Wife
My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look attractive. So I got drunk.
41. Definition Of An Optimist
Optimist. A man who leaves the engine running when his wife says she’s, “Just going to run inside the shop to grab a bottle of milk.”
42. Dirty Talk
A woman to her husband while they’re at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
Man: “Bath, kitchen, living room…”
See also: Dirty Talk: 95 Super-Hot Phrases Guaranteed To Drive Him Wild
43. Happy 20 Years
My wife and I had a very happy twenty years. After that, we met.
44. A Bank Robbery
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave but before that, he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and promptly gets shot.
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
“Absolutely not, sir but my wife here saw everything!”
45. What It’s Like To Be Married
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Laughing Out Loud!
I don’t know about you but I’m still laughing my ass off at the above funny jokes on husbands and wives!
I hope they have made your day just like mine and in case you’re married, you can share them with your spouse and laugh together some more.
In case you’re not, you can still share them with your close friends and make the world a brighter place.
You know what they say: sharing is caring!
To conclude all the humor in the air (and so we can laugh some more), here’s one last funny quote about marriage:
‘Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!’ – Unknown
See also: 78 Hilarious Cheese Puns That Will Make You Brie Your Pants