When you find yourself in the claws of an emotional psychopath, you have no idea what’s happening to you. First, everything is perfect. He is perfect. You just can’t believe you are
lucky enough to have such an extraordinary man. Life changes completely for you.
You know that feeling when you’re happy and you look at everything positively and with a huge smile? Well, at the beginning, your world shines brighter, your favorite food tastes better and you feel like you’re on the top of the world.
Your life is so perfect that it’s scary. It’s like the weather and the unusual calmness in the air before the raging storm.
You were the storm that hit me and left a disaster inside me. How could I have been so stupid? How couldn’t I see that my life was too perfect to be true? I should have known better than that. I should have known it was a lie.
Gosh, you were irresistible. I fell for you the moment I saw you. For me, it was definitely love at first sight. I would have never thought that you were a completely different person than I thought you were. I would have done literally anything for you, not only because I thought you were going to do the same for me, but because I loved you truly and sincerely.
And the saddest part is that you knew that and it made your game even easier to play.
After the idyllic life and things which were too good to be true, my life started to change. Things weren’t as bright as before, my food didn’t taste as good and the top of the world turned to be very low, going even lower.
He finally showed who he really was.
I guess no one can pretend to be something they are not for so long. Masks fall and faces are revealed. It happened to him, too. He couldn’t pretend to be something he was not; it drove him crazy, and it went against everything he believed in. Maybe it’s not even his fault entirely because his mind was sick. He didn’t know to differ right from wrong or on the other hand, he just didn’t care because he was a selfish, emotion-thirsty vampire—which was more likely to be the case.
These manipulative games of his destroyed me. These cunning plans to capture me in his reality forever made me his prisoner.
He made me believe in things which were not true. He completely took control over my life and never asked me a goddamn thing. I felt like a was a prop in a show lying in a dark box until someone opened the box to use the prop and put it back when they were done. This is exactly how I felt and when I wanted to say something, when I wanted to rebel against being kept in a box, he made me believe I was out in the open the whole time. But, why do I remember only the darkness around me? Was I crazy? I mean deep inside I knew I wasn’t, but there was no other explanation, so I began to think I am and I couldn’t trust myself anymore. He took control over me completely. He broke me and made me doubt myself. This was his strongest manipulation—the one that made everything else a piece of cake.
He tried to change me and he succeeded. By his side, I turned into someone I didn’t recognize. I knew it was me, but yet there was no sign of me. When I looked in the mirror, I saw my reflection and I didn’t recognize the face that was staring at me with no expression on its face. I couldn’t recognize those weary, sad eyes that were looking at me. I never saw a face that was so worn out at such a very young age. It was like I was looking at an old lady who gave everything to the world and is ready to move on to the next one.
He laid the blame on me every time something went wrong. Even when he fucked up, he blamed me. One day when he came home from work, he was so pissed. I didn’t want to ask him anything and I hid in my room because I was too afraid to be by his side. I knew that this would somehow backfire on me. And I was right. He had problems at work and he came after me because I was the one who had fucked him up before work. I was the one who had gotten on his nerves so he was unable to concentrate. It was all my fault and then the insults came falling at me like a sharp, cold rain in a winter storm. No one can take that much humiliation and emotional abuse.
He cut me out of the world because he was too afraid that the world will open my eyes. He was too afraid that the world will take his victim from him. He convinced me that everyone around me wanted to hurt me and he was the only one who will keep me safe. It wasn’t hard to manipulate me after he made me believe I’m crazy and don’t deserve anything. At that point, I was grateful I had him because who would love someone like me? At that point, he made me believe he was my savior and he kept me away from everybody because he knew I will wake up from the nightmare he directed.
I was left completely alone thinking that he was the only thing I have. I lived in a lie for so long, but somewhere deep inside me, I knew it was a lie but I lasted for so long that I started to think it was true.
I really didn’t have a reason to live. I wanted my life to end. I thought to myself if I was that unlovable, if I was that crazy, if no one will ever love me or be there for me, I don’t have any reason to live. I hated myself and I wanted my life to be over. I wanted my troubles to just stop.
In all the sorrow and darkness that overtook me, a tiny ray of light from deep inside spoke to me. There was always that something that kept me alive. There was always that something that didn’t let me leave this world forever.
It took me so long to recognize who it was—it was me. It was my old self who was hiding in this emotionless monster he created.
That little piece of me shouted from the top of its lungs and I finally heard it. That voice inside me gave me hope and strength. That voice inside me showed me that my journey is still not over. It told me that I have so many more things to do, that I’m not done yet.
All I needed was that proof that there is still something left of my old self and I left. It hurt like hell. I was afraid but I didn’t care, and I left for good.
That doesn’t mean I’m free. That doesn’t mean I’m happy. I have a long road ahead of me. I have to find myself again and bring myself back. I have to learn to love myself again. I have to heal.
I know I’m a mess. He played his games with me for far too long. He tricked my mind so cunningly and so many times that I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. I need to sort out that mess in my head, but at least now I know I have to, now I know which path to take. Now I know that it was never me—it was him all along.
I’m terrified of love. I don’t know if I will be able to love anyone ever again. His ‘love’ destroyed me. His ‘love’ made me think that love is a piece of shit that takes everything away from you. I’m scared of love because love has hurt me so much. But, I hope someday that fear will disappear. It’s just that I know it won’t happen overnight and I know that no one will show it to me. I have to see it for myself.
I want to be alone. I need time to think everything through. I need time to heal my wounds which were bleeding for far too long. I need to learn to show my feelings. I need to learn to feel again.
I want to give myself a second chance. I want to fight for myself because I found the strength I needed so badly. I want to go on living because I know I deserve it.