“My husband is mean to me” is, unfortunately, a sentence we hear so often these days. Nothing hurts more than being disrespected and mistreated by the person you love and care for the most.
Those feelings are so known to me. I went through all of it already. I was constantly asking myself why my husband was so mean and disrespectful to me.
And you know what? No matter what I did or how much I tried, I really couldn’t find the right answer. I couldn’t understand how that good man I married had turned into such a toxic and bitter person.
I know I wasn’t always the perfect wife. I have my flaws just like all human beings do but I really tried hard to be a better spouse every single day and to make him happy.
I really tried hard to save our marriage and fortunately, my efforts paid off in the end. We went through that crisis, learned our lessons from it and left it all in the past. We’re still happily married.
You know, the worst thing is that you actually start believing in all those mean things he is telling you every day.
You start thinking about how the real problem might be you. It all just makes you feel like you’re unworthy of love.
In the beginning, you are in the process of denial. Even though you’re aware of the fact that he doesn’t treat you well, you deny it because you don’t want to admit it and you’re afraid of ruining your marriage.
Then, you start comforting yourself with how it’s all a phase, one little crisis you have to go through to strengthen the bond between you and how it’ll all pass very soon.
You just keep quiet to all of his insults because you think that your love is going to make him change.
You constantly feel like it’s all a bad dream and how you’re going to wake up soon and find your good man, the man lying next to you, whom you fell in love with and married,.
In the end, you don’t have any other option than to accept that something has changed, that your husband has changed.
You’re aware that you must act fast and try to fix your marriage while you still have time.
Why is my husband so mean to me? 14 possible reasons
The thing I could never understand was why my husband was so mean and disrespectful to me and nice to everyone else. Seeing him act nice with everyone else but me was indeed breaking my heart.
Before dealing with your husband’s anger, you have to understand the reason why he is angry and being disrespectful to you all of a sudden. Here are some possible causes for his angry outbursts.
The love he once felt for you is fading away
We can’t say that your husband never did love you. He probably did because he married you but there is a possibility that his feelings might have changed.
It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you at all anymore, it just means that he doesn’t love you the same way he did at the beginning of your relationship.
There is definitely something different with his emotions. If he really loved you like he did before, he would never be mean and hurt your feelings with his disrespectful behavior.
He doesn’t care for you at all
If he keeps mistreating you and keeps saying mean things on a daily basis, there is only one conclusion for that behavior. He doesn’t care for you, nor did he ever.
Accept the truth. This is not just one of those little marriage problems. This is huge and it won’t pass just like that. Time won’t help you to ease the pain of being mistreated, nor will your love.
How to live a happy life with a man who is constantly mean to you and hurts your feelings every day, not even thinking about how you might feel later?
If you think there is even a little hope to fight for your marriage, I say go for it.
But the best thing would probably be to leave the man who doesn’t care about your feelings or your well-being. To leave the man who doesn’t love or deserve you.
He has anger issues
Is your man always up for a fight? Does he blow up at the smallest things? Does he always try to avoid talking about his angry outbursts once he’s cooled down?
If your answers to all of these questions are affirmative, you’re probably dealing with a man who has anger issues, even though he won’t admit it, of course.
Those issues won’t pass with time if you don’t deal with them together.
Actually, anger is very contagious and it’s very easy to create a habit out of it, a habit to be angry most of the time, without any reason.
You must handle those issues and talk to your partner about them because it may have so many negative effects on your marriage and family. If one partner has anger issues, it leads to a toxic and abusive relationship.
He has crippling low self-esteem
Whenever we were out with our friends or at some family gatherings, I couldn’t wrap my head around why my husband was mean to me and nice to everyone else.
Later, I understood that it was mostly because of his insecurities and his surprisingly low self-esteem.
I also understood that being angry or mean to someone is actually a sign of weakness. That it’s just a coping technique against some fears we all have.
My husband was really going through very serious crises in those times, both personal and professional ones.
He thought I was better than him and how I deserved someone better, someone who would be able to provide for me and make all of my dreams come true.
He’s just selfish
This is probably the best and only correct answer. He’s definitely selfish because he doesn’t care how you’ll feel when he hurts you with his mean behavior.
I know it’s difficult to accept but it’s absolutely true. Why can’t you get your revenge or do such things he did to you to hurt your feelings? Precisely because of that, not to hurt someone’s feelings.
Maybe he’s even being unfaithful to you
One of the possible causes of his disrespectful behavior may also be his infidelity. Maybe he isn’t brave enough to tell you the truth.
He probably doesn’t have the guts to tell you how things really are and he actually wants to make you end your marriage by being mean to you.
You’re married so you’re in a long-term relationship with your partner, so you know him well. Do you find anything awkward in his behavior, any signs that may tell you that your partner is being unfaithful to you?
Is he being overprotective of his cell phone lately, does he get angry and mean to you every time you take his phone or have you noticed any changes on his social media that were strange to you?
If you have any reasons to doubt his fidelity, look for those little things that might be evidence that your partner is cheating on you.
He could be a misogynist
If this is the reason why your husband is mean to you, don’t be too hard on yourself and blame yourself for not noticing it before you married him.
It’s true that misogynists are everywhere around us but it may be very difficult to spot them because they know how to hide that dark side of them until they get what they want and then they show their real face.
On the other hand, most of them aren’t even aware that they are a misogynist.
Their hatred for women has been probably caused by some childhood trauma or because a very important female figure in their life once betrayed them and hurt them deeply.
Their best trait is their witty charm, which is the perfect bait for women. Once they have a target and they make her fall in love with them, they start expressing their hate and try to make her as miserable as possible.
He is going through a difficult time
He started getting home really late from work and he was always bringing some work projects home and working late in his home office. That was the first red flag but unfortunately, I didn’t interpret it well.
All that time, I was thinking that he was cheating on me. I noticed that he was stressed but again, I thought it was the pressure from him leading a busy life.
I’m still very sorry for doubting his fidelity but he was so mean to me and every time I asked what was happening, he avoided talking about it. You have to admit, he gave me good reasons to doubt him.
However, fortunately, I was soooo wrong. He was running a private company and in those times, his company was going through a big crisis and he was under huge pressure and he was all stressed out because of it.
I will never be able to apologize enough for doubting his fidelity but on the other hand, he also made a mistake by not telling me the truth because we swore to be each other’s support in both the good and bad times.
He’s a control freak
Dealing with an angry husband who is a control freak is very difficult and exhausting.
It emotionally drains you because you try and try to be a better spouse for him but no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for him.
He is Mr. Always Right and every time you do something wrong, he’ll create an unnecessary drama about it and be really mean to you.
It’s the kind of man who always thinks he is smarter than you and he doesn’t care about your opinion, nor does he want to hear it from you.
He’ll cross over all of your boundaries and hurt your feelings purposely without having any second thoughts about it, just to get what he wants.
He’s just taking advantage of your kindness and your honest feelings
He knows you. He knows how you think, how you feel and how you act in specific situations. That’s why he is being so mean to you.
He is aware of the fact that you love him, maybe even more than you love yourself, and he knows that no matter what he does or says, you won’t get mad at him.
Even if you do get mad, he knows that you won’t stay angry for too long. He knows you are a good and kind woman with a big heart and that you’ll forgive him every time he disrespects you.
Well, you should draw a line there somewhere and surprise him. No matter how much you love someone, you should never allow them to make a fool out of you or to treat you badly.
If he’s playing this little game with you, show him how it should be done properly.
Related: Why Is My Girlfriend So Mean To Me (16 Reasons + Ways To Cope)
Maybe it’s actually his very weird way of seeking attention
If your man loves to always be the center of attention and you have neglected him for some time, maybe this is his sick way of seeking your attention.
I really don’t know what to say about this one. It’s a little bit creepy but also romantic and funny at the same time.
If this is the reason why your husband is being mean, then he’s so childish and spoiled too.
Of course, you shouldn’t neglect him, no matter how many other obligations you have, but still, he must understand that he can’t always be the center of your attention.
He has a narcissistic personality disorder
Some traits that define almost every narcissist are a lack of empathy for other people, a deep need for attention and arrogant behavior.
If your husband is always showing a little bit of each, then I’m sorry for having to break it to you but you married a narcissist.
People like that are only focused on themselves and only they are what’s truly important. He won’t be careful with your feelings because he doesn’t give two hoots about them.
He’s an abuser
Sometimes it’s possible that you’re being abused without even noticing it. Also, many people think that there is only physical abuse and that’s untrue.
The truth is that any person who frequently says hurtful and means things or tries to control you is emotionally abusing you.
Abusers are great manipulators. They can very easily make you think about how it’s all your fault. This is known as mental abuse.
However, you must know that it’s never your fault. No matter what you did or said to him, he doesn’t have the right to disrespect you.
If you’re asking yourself, “Why is my husband mean to me and nice to everyone else?” the answer is simple.
It’s that abusers like to behave charming and nice in front of other people because they want to leave a good impression on the people who know you, so no one will believe you when you decide to admit you’re being abused in your relationship.
If you’re really in love with that man and you’re ready to do just about anything to improve and save your relationship, you must know that you’ll have to put enormous effort into saving your marriage.
Even though there is just a little hope for an abuser to change, it’s not impossible. If your love is real and honest, it can be a great motivation for them to change.
If he starts abusing you physically too, then you definitely mustn’t put up with it and keep hoping he’ll change and that it’ll pass. You must end your marriage immediately.
You love that man and it will be painful to divorce him but it would be even worse to stay married to an abuser.
You’ll need time and you’ll heal and move on with your life, while your soon-to-be-ex-husband will regret losing you forever.
Maybe your recent actions are the cause of that sudden disrespectful behavior
However, if your husband has suddenly changed and is being mean to you, you should ask yourself whether you have done anything that could have provoked that kind of behavior.
If this is the first time your husband has said mean things to you and disrespected you, the problem could be in something you did.
Maybe you said or did something that really hurt his ego and I think we all know how important a man’s ego is to them.
It’s a huge part of their self-esteem and we already talked about how a man with a lower ego can sometimes be disrespectful in a relationship.
Again, I’m not saying that him mistreating and disrespecting you is your fault.
I’m just saying that you should think about your actions over the past few days and see whether you did anything that might have provoked him to be mean to you.
See also: 14 Reasons Why My Husband Never Does Anything Special For Me
8 efficient ways to deal with his disrespect
Dealing with an angry husband and his everyday emotional and mental torments can really be painful and exhausting.
However, there are some ways you can deal with it. Help him realize his anger issues, help him change and save your marriage.
It’s high time to set boundaries in your marriage
Okay, you’ve been dealing with his angry outbursts for some time now and you haven’t done anything about it because all this time, you thought he’d change.
However, now, it’s high time to put an end to it. Enough is enough. You know you don’t deserve it, so why should you keep putting up with and tolerating his toxic behavior?
Reset the boundaries in your marriage. Confront your husband about his disrespectful behavior. Tell him how it’s bothering you and how it’s slowly ruining your marriage.
Ask him to be more cooperative with everything, even with some simple things like household chores.
Doing some simple things like that together might be fun for both of you and it’ll also strengthen the bond between you and improve your relationship.
Be open and honest with him. Don’t try to change him by yourself but demand him to change his behavior if he wants to save your marriage.
Don’t add fuel to the fire
One of the best pieces of advice I was given when I was dealing with my husband’s temperament issues was that when one partner is fire, the other one has to be water.
That means that whenever your husband is angry and starts fighting with you, you should try to calm the storm and try to work it out in a healthy way.
Of course, it’s not always possible to do that. Sometimes, he really provokes you and you get angry too.
However, you should try to calm yourself in those moments as much as possible. Don’t be upset just because he’s upset or angry with you.
If you see that something has made him really upset, you should back off and try to speak to him again about it once he cools down.
If you start participating in a fight, you’ll end up saying really mean things to each other and you will both later regret it but by then, it may be too late.
Try to get to the root cause of his anger
Before you start dealing with his bad temperament issues, you first must get to the bottom of what’s causing his angry outbursts.
There’s probably a reason for it, especially if it starts happening all of a sudden. You know that he isn’t the man you married but you must find out what caused him to change so negatively.
If you can’t figure out the cause by yourself, confront him about it and ask him to tell you.
If he tells you how you’re just imagining it or keeps avoiding talking about it, seek professional help or ask your or his best friend to help you find out.
The fact is that his toxic behavior is ruining your marriage and finding out what’s making him treat you that way is the only way you’ll be able to handle it and save your marriage.
Don’t try to change him because it’s a mission impossible
The most important rule you have to follow if you want to save your marriage is that you should never try to change your husband.
You can be direct with him, tell him how his anger issues are really damaging your marriage and you can help him change his behavior but the most important thing is that your husband needs to realize how much his behavior is damaging your marriage by himself and be willing to change.
This is the only way he’ll show you how much he cares for you and your marriage. And trust me, even if you try to change him, which would be a terrible mistake, you wouldn’t succeed in it.
Open up to someone about your husband’s anger issues
You don’t have to go through all of it alone. Open up to someone about the problems in your marriage. Talk to your best friend and ask them for advice.
Even though they might not give you any guidance, they’ll try to comfort you and make you feel better.
You can maybe even ask his best friend or someone he trusts the most, besides you, to talk to him and to warn him how his toxic behavior is affecting and damaging your marriage or just to find out the reason for his frequent angry outbursts.
Maybe he’ll listen to that person and realize it’s time for a change.
Suggest anger management therapy to him
You shouldn’t just accept his behavior without doing anything to help him realize he has to change.
Be direct with your husband and point out to him how his bad temperament issues are negatively affecting your marriage and your lives.
Ask him to try anger management therapy and tell him that you’ll be there for him every step of the way, supporting him and believing in him.
If he or you can’t identify his stressors, then he definitely needs professional help and this therapy will help him find the real cause of his anger issues and help him realize those negative emotions.
Try to laugh away the anger
Humor is always the best cure for everything, so you can try it. Whenever your husband gets angry, try to distract his anger with humor.
You know him too well and you must know what makes him laugh. When he starts arguing over some stupid little things, in the middle of the conversation, tell a joke that you know will make him laugh.
See also: Why Is Everyone So Mean To Me? It’s Not You. (Or Is It?)
Marriage counseling can help you save your marriage
If both of you want to save or fix your marriage, you should try marriage counseling. A therapist can help you both realize your mistakes that are damaging your marriage and help you deal with them.
This may be just one more marital crisis and with the help of a professional, you may be able to easily overcome it.
You’ll both have to put some effort in and be ready to work on your differences and issues to overcome that crisis.
On the other hand, it can also be a great way to strengthen your marriage and the bond between you.
Every crisis and any issues between you can be overcome if the love between you is strong and honest and if you really want to improve or save your marriage.
However, sometimes it’s impossible to tolerate specific behavior from your spouse and the best choice for both partners is to divorce.
Some things can’t be fixed or regained, after all. Lost trust and lost respect are just two of those things.