You have been through so much. It can be seen in every single move you make. For some reason, the aftermath of abuse is sticking with you, with no intention of leaving your body, mind or heart. You might have thought that healing from any kind of abuse would be a bit easier and that it would never get to the point where you would have to wonder if you were ever going to have a whole heart again. You are still suffering and your past is still haunting you. You haven’t fully healed after surviving abuse and here are the signs that prove it:
1. You have trust issues
Of course, trust has to be earned but if you keep finding yourself in situations where you can’t believe the simplest things people tell you, then you really do have trust issues. In your eyes, everybody lies. For example, you can’t trust a man to not cheat on you because you have been in situations where you have been cheated on, so you believe that every man out there is the same, no matter what they tell you. You don’t believe words but actions don’t count either because you think of them as simple ways to make you believe their lies. You won’t fall for it. This is a clear sign that you haven’t healed after your abuse, because believing that there are kind and honest people out there is kind of scary.
2. You have trouble connecting with people
Because of your past and the new trust issues, simple relationships with people seem to be confusing and you aren’t able to open up to anyone. In your head, people only want to hurt you and leave you the moment you begin to develop feelings for them. They will deceive you in some kind of way. It’s scary but it’s easier to not get attached, rather than let them see your vulnerable side. You simply can’t shake off the fact that you see them hurting you in your future and the visions you have in your mind are so real that you don’t want to risk it. It’s easier to be alone than to risk someone taking advantage of you and hurting you.
3. You have toxic thoughts
Toxic thoughts are always lurking in your mind and you can’t shake them off. They are taking over your body and you end up crying the whole night through because you can’t make them stop. You have flashbacks of what was happening to you and his face keeps on lurking in the dark. You feel his presence even when you know that there is no possibility for your abuser to be around. It’s just that his face is so embedded in your mind that you can’t move without seeing it.
4. You can’t shake the feeling that it was your fault
No matter how hard you tried and no matter how many times someone has to tell you that it’s not your fault and that you didn’t cause the abuser to behave like that because of something you did, you simply can’t believe it. Even when you think about it rationally, your heart tells you that it really was your fault. It’s hard and it hurts. You have spent too much time with your abuser, who kept on telling you that you deserved whatever you were going through and that he would continue behaving like that no matter how you felt, so it’s kind of expected that you can’t flush it out of your system that easily.
5. You keep on questioning your own sanity
This usually happens to victims who have been manipulated into thinking and feeling things that weren’t rational, especially the victims of gaslighting. The abuser makes the victim think that they have been going crazy, denying whatever they think to be true; gaslighting really is the most dangerous form of manipulation there is. Whatever you’re feeling isn’t because of something you did but rather something that has been embedded in your mind. It’s been inflicted upon you to think that you’re crazy, so you continue now alone, without any (visible) influence. You can’t shake it off until the point where you have completely healed from the abuse.