Have you ever fallen for a guy who was almost perfect? For a guy who could be your dream come true if it wasn’t for some of his qualities?
I know I have. I’ve always been an idealist who only saw the good in people. It is not that I wasn’t aware of others’ flaws—I just chose to ignore them, thinking that they’d go away or miraculously become better. Or I hoped that I’d learn to live with those flaws and grow to love them with time.
And that is exactly what you keep on doing. When you meet a guy and you see all of his shortcomings, you disregard them completely. A hopeless romantic awakens inside of you and you convince yourself that your happy ending with this guy will come, against all odds.
Instead of walking away in time or accepting him for who he is, you decide to take on the role of his savior. You take his imperfections as a challenge, thinking that you’ll be able to change him in the blink of an eye. You fall for this men so hard that you disregard the depth of his flaws and the fact that you two aren’t compatible.
He might be emotionally unavailable or he isn’t giving you enough attention. Maybe he isn’t putting any effort into the relationship or he has a problem with fidelity.
Either way, you get so consumed by your feelings for him that you think you’ll be able to ignore the side of him that is bothering you this much. You idealize this man and you justify his behavior, making excuses for the parts of him you don’t like.
Or you assure yourself that you’ll be able to fix him and that your love will turn him into the man you want him to be. You think of yourself as this superwoman and you think that you’ll bring this dark man into the light.
So you end up living in a future that might never come. You lose touch with reality and with the present situation and all you do is aspire for a better tomorrow to eventually come.
Well, guess what? Your love can’t change a man until he decides to do it himself. You can’t save this guy and you can’t repair his damaged parts, no matter how hard you try. You can’t fight his battles or chase away his demons. You can’t turn him into the man he is not.
And that is not something you should want to do, either. Don’t get me wrong—you should definitely have your partner’s back when they need you but it is not your job to fix anyone or to put them back together when they are broken. This guy has to do it himself and there is nothing you can do to help him in the process.
He has to be inspired to become the best possible version of himself, for his own sake. If he sees your value, he should be driven by it to become worthy of your love.
I know you hope that your relationship will be better. But it won’t. Because your guy should know how to treat you, without you telling him. I know you have faith that he’ll eventually change and that things will fall into place.
Years are passing you by and nothing is happening. This man behaves the same way and the two of you aren’t making any progress, as much as you hate to admit it.
And you know why that is so? Because you didn’t fall for this guy. You fell for his potential and the possibility of him becoming who you want him to be. You fell in love with the picture of the man you wanted to make him be.
I know you think that love is powerful. And you are completely right. But it doesn’t mean it is almighty. It can’t change the essence of someone’s personality.
Remember—you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You can’t teach him how to love and respect you, if he doesn’t want to do it on his own. You can’t force someone to appreciate you and to be the right guy for you, unless he realizes it’s time to change.
A teacher. A dreamer. A writer. A woman who’s been through all of the things you are going through. A woman who’s learned on her mistakes and whose advice you can trust. A woman who is trying to find her place under the stars. A woman just like you.