I know it sounds disturbing, but the truth is that pain will show you the true meaning of love. A year ago after a breakup, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was trying to find one positive thing about my current state. I felt miserable, broken and unworthy of love.
What kind of a person does that? What kind of a person makes you feel less important or less worthy of love? You. You were to blame for my current state of misery.
I didn’t want to go out for months. I only went over all of it again and again. It was so hard to go through all of those painful moments and find something that would answer my question:
Why me?
What did I do to deserve such inhuman treatment by you? Why did I deserve to be in pain?
Maybe if I had treated you like shit, you would have treated me right. I guess I will never know. And I don’t even want to know it anymore.
I took a deep breath, went through the following steps and started solving the puzzle.
STEP 1:
I repeated several times out loud: If I hadn’t been in love, I wouldn’t have been hurt! As simple as that. If I was to know that this would happen, I certainly wouldn’t have been with you.
But, I didn’t know. So, I cannot blame myself for what happened to me. It is not my fault or anyone else’s. It is just so.
But how can I be sure that it was love after all? What if it was just some kind of test you have to pass in order to be rewarded with something greater?
After all, you cannot appreciate the good if you didn’t taste the bad. Maybe being hurt has more meanings than just one.
I wouldn’t mind if there are more meanings to it. I just want to be sure that all of this I’m going through is not for nothing.
STEP 2:
I repeated the next logical conclusion: If I hadn’t been hurt, I wouldn’t be in pain. I mean, what kind of a conclusion is this? Of course if I hadn’t been hurt, I wouldn’t be in pain.
But, why do I have to be in pain? Why can’t I just be hurt and not go through all of that process of being in constant pain where I cannot eat, sleep nor live like a normal human being?
But what if being in pain is a process that I have to go through so that I can be prepared for something greater to come? It’s really hard to believe such thing, but I’ll give it a chance. What could I lose anyway?
I’ve already lost myself, and pain is the only thing that is reminding me of being human.
I need to learn how to work through pain, how to walk through pain and how to sleep through pain.
I guess when the time comes, I’ll be ready. I’ll be ready for anything.
STEP 3:
I started for a moment and tried to find my next statement: If I weren’t in pain, I wouldn’t…But, what? What good can pain bring me? Then I realized, and it burst like a bubble:
If I weren’t in pain, I wouldn’t appreciate not being in pain!
If I weren’t in pain, I wouldn’t realize what a shitty person you were!
If I weren’t in pain, I wouldn’t realize the true meaning of love.
Now it all made sense to me. True love is made of respect, compromise and selfless giving.
It is made of everything I haven’t experienced yet!
I’m no longer mad at you. I thank you for that.
I thank you for making me realize that I was in love with a twisted meaning of love. But now that I know its true meaning, I will never settle for anything else.
