Causas, sintomas e tratamento da ansiedade nos relacionamentos

What if you constantly question your seemingly perfect relationship? What if you’re looking for flaws, and assuming that things will fall apart any second, even though you have no valid reason for those thoughts?

Is it your gut telling you that something is wrong? Or, could it be that you’re suffering from relationship anxiety?

If you’re facing this doubt, you’ve come to the right place. You’re about to get all the info you need, starting with the definition of this condition, proceeding with its symptoms and causes, and finally, ending with the right treatment.

O que é a ansiedade nas relações?

De acordo com Karla Ivankovich, Ph.D., a ansiedade nas relações é "quando uma ou ambas as pessoas da relação passam mais tempo a pensar ansiosamente na relação do que a cuidar da própria relação.”

Basically, it’s connected with over-worrying and overthinking your romance. It’s the situation when you question, analyze, and doubt every aspect of your relationship.

O que é o TOC relacional?

Perturbação obsessivo-compulsiva da relação is “um subtipo de TOC que se caracteriza por pensamentos intrusivos contínuos e comportamento compulsivo em torno da incerteza de um relacionamento.”

If you’re not an expert on the matter, these two terms sound pretty much the same. Well, they’re not.

Em termos simples, a principal diferença reside nos pensamentos intrusivos e nas reacções compulsivas que o TOC-R acarreta. Basicamente, uma pessoa com ansiedade no namoro A pessoa que sofre de TOC-R vai preocupar-se e ficar obcecada com algo que a incomoda na sua relação. Ao mesmo tempo, uma pessoa que sofra de TOC-R passará meses ou mesmo anos obcecada com essa mesma coisa.

8 sinais de ansiedade numa relação

We’re all guilty of allowing the following thought patterns to get the best of us from time to time. But, how can you know if you’re dealing with relationship anxiety or whether these are just temporary doubts?

Well, let’s take perturbação de ansiedade generalizada as a reference. According to experts, it’s safe to say that a person suffers from generalized anxiety disorder if their excessive and chronic worrying lasts at least six months.

So, if you can’t get rid of the following symptoms for half a year or more, it’s safe to say that you’re suffering from dating anxiety.

1. Pensar demasiado na sua relação.

Já alguma vez deu por si a pensar demasiado em cada palavra que o seu parceiro diz? Será que ele pensou mesmo no que disse?

Ou será que estavam a brincar? Já te disseram que te amam vezes suficientes hoje? Se disseram, estavam a falar a sério? Ou disseram-no só para te acalmar?

Até entra em pormenores sobre o tom da sua voz. Se o tratarem pelo primeiro nome, algo deve estar errado.

And, l won’t even go into the ways you analyze every move they make.

Didn’t they look at you weirdly this morning right after they woke up? Isn’t that sign enough that they no longer find you attractive?

If they don’t pick up their phone the instant you call, hell will break loose.

You don’t have to necessarily tell them anything about your doubts. Nevertheless, I’m sure you’ll spend the rest of your day thinking about them.

As opções são praticamente infinitas. Talvez se tenham fartado de si. Se calhar they’re being unfaithful. Talvez tenha feito algo que os tenha irritado.

Alguma destas situações parece-lhe familiar? Se a resposta for sim, tem definitivamente um dos primeiros sintomas de perturbação de ansiedade numa relação.

You’re simply incapable of letting things be. You have to dissect every little thing in your relationship.

You analyze everything to the core. And, do you know what’s the worst part? You’re never happy with the conclusion.

2. Doubting your partner’s feelings.

It’s perfectly normal to doubt the other person’s intentions and emotions when they’re clearly playing with you. You have a boyfriend or a girlfriend who keeps on sending you mixed signals, doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship, or plays hot and cold games.

In that case, it’s natural that you don’t know where you stand.

Mas, o que dizer de se sentir assim numa relação saudável? Nesse caso, temos um problema.

If you look at your romantic relationship from the outside, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You have no reason to question your partner’s fidelity, feelings, or intentions about you.

Truth be told, they never did anything to make you doubt them. Besides, you’ve been together for a pretty long time now.

Deve duvidar deles?

Let’s look at things realistically: why would they spend years next to someone they don’t give a damn about?

Yes, this is exactly what your mind is telling you. Nevertheless, you can’t seem to chase your negative thoughts away either.

No matter how great they’re treating you, the truth is that you expect them to break up with you every second.

Podemos estar a divertir-nos imenso, mas, de repente, perguntamo-nos se a pessoa nos ama realmente. In that case, you’re probably struggling with relationship OCD, characterized by intrusive thoughts.

And, the nightmare doesn’t stop there.

É provável que esteja sempre a perguntar ao seu parceiro se ele se apaixonou por si, o quanto o ama e se continuaria a amá-lo mesmo que ficasse paralisado ou algo do género.

Entramos nos cenários mais sombrios possíveis e perguntamos-lhes se encontrariam alguém novo se morrêssemos, e coisas do género.

Acting out when you don’t get the response you expect is nothing unusual either. You have trouble controlling your emotions as much as you try to.

Let me break it to you: all of these questions annoy the hell out of them. They just want you to realize that they wouldn’t have stuck around if they didn’t love you, period.

3. Esperar o pior resultado possível.

Everything will fall apart sooner or later. Your partner will break up with you; they’re just waiting for the perfect opportunity to do so.

They’ll understand that you’re easily replaceable, and they’ll find someone better. They’ll break your heart into pieces and leave you crushed. You’ll never find a new relationship, and you’ll die alone and miserable.

This is your thought pattern… I can bet my life on it. Nunca vê o lado bom das coisas e espera sempre o pior resultado possível.

It’s like this with little things as well. If you two get in the middle of a silliest fight, you expect it to be the end of your long-term relationship.

If your SO listens to a sad song, you assume they’re reminiscing about their past relationship.

I know what you’re about to tell me. You’re preparing yourself for the darkest scenario so you don’t get too shocked if it really happens. And, if things turn out to be good, never mind… you’ll just welcome them openhandedly.

But, honey, trust me that this is not the way to protect your heart from getting broken. You’re torturing yourself with this negative thinking while you could be enjoying life.

4. Medo de rejeição e abandono.

What’s the worst possible thing that could happen to those who experience relationship anxiety? Ser abandonado or rejected, that’s right.

I’m not talking about intimate relationships here only. Whether you like to admit it or not, you get a panic attack when you picture a loved one walking away from you.

Mas, como é óbvio, estes sentimentos de ansiedade afectam-nos mais quando pensamos que o nosso companheiro nos vai abandonar.

Pensamos que seria o fim do mundo. A sua vida tornar-se-ia subitamente inútil e tudo o resto perderia o sentido.

And, the worst part is that you have no real reason to think that way. You’re just terrified of that idea.

But, hey, let’s dig into that fear a little deeper. What if they really do? What if they leave you?

Morrerias? Seria o teu fim?

I promise you that you’ll survive. Yes, you’d probably have a hard time getting over them, but trust me, you would keep on living.

5. Auto-sabotagem.

People who sabotage themselves are subconsciously ruining their romantic relationships. You’re probably not even aware of doing this, but if you’re guilty of self-sabotage, you’ll put walls around you.

Basically, you’re not allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your relationship. Exposing your true emotions and letting the other person in all the way means giving them the opportunity to hurt you.

And, that’s the last thing you’re ready to do. So, you put up barriers and don’t become overly intimate with the other person.

Of course, I’m not talking about physical intimacy here. I’m talking about the fact that you don’t share your true feelings, fears, and hopes in order to keep them out.

Outra forma comum de as pessoas que sofrem de ansiedade numa relação se sabotarem a si próprias é romperem a relação sem mais nem menos.

Basically, you leave your partner at the first sign of trouble. Do you do it because you think your relationship isn’t worth fighting for? Or, is it because you think you should have never started dating them in the first place?

No. You do it so they don’t have the chance to break up with you first. When that happens, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You knew things would end anyhow, didn’t you? Well, this proves that you were right all along.

6. Problemas de confiança profundamente enraizados.

Pode estar feliz, relação de compromisso that lasts for years without any special turmoil; however, regardless of this, you don’t trust your partner.

You don’t think they’re faithful, even though you’ve never found any evidence to prove your point. You don’t think they’re telling the truth, even though you’ve never caught them lying.

You’re convinced that they’re not being honest about their previous relationships, and you don’t believe they love you.

On the contrary, you think they’re just waiting for the perfect opportunity to backstab you and ruin your life once and for all.

Verifica obsessivamente as suas redes sociais, aproveita todas as oportunidades que tem para mexer no telemóvel e verifica novamente tudo o que lhe dizem. Os seus ciúmes possessivos estão a afetar a sua saúde mental e a sua relação.

Se for este o caso, tem claramente alguns problemas sérios de confiança que precisa de começar a resolver de imediato. Ter cuidado é uma coisa, mas viver com esta paranoia é completamente diferente.

7. Codependência emocional.

The harsh truth is that you don’t love your partner in a healthy way. You’re actually addicted to them and to your relationship.

How can you test this? Well, you’re certain that the end of your romance would mean your spiritual death.

You’re so clingy that you can’t stand being away from your SO for a minute. If it were up to you, you two would spend literally every moment of your day together.

When you get into an argument, you get into a real crisis. You can’t breathe and you can’t think straight.

You feel that you need this person like you need air to breathe. You’re lost without them, and you’re ready to do whatever it takes to keep them around.

Mas isto não é o fim da história. They’re the only ones who have the power to dictate your entire mood and wellness.

Everything could be going great in your life, but if you’re not on good terms with your partner, you have no will to live. On the other hand, if things are good in your relationship, the entire world could collapse right in front of you. But, guess what: you wouldn’t give a damn.

A sua autoestima depende totalmente da validação deles. Se elogiarem o seu aspeto ou os seus feitos, a sua autoestima sobe em flecha. Mas, se o criticam por alguma coisa, sente-se imediatamente o maior fracasso do mundo.

Well, my dear, that means that you’re emocionalmente dependente sobre esta pessoa.

8. Fobia de compromisso.

Most will assume that commitment is a must for those who are suffering from relationship anxiety. Surprise, surprise, but things don’t always go in that direction.

De facto, muitas pessoas ansiosas têm pavor de relações de compromisso. Na verdade, elas têm uma condição chamada fobia de compromisso.

You’re not afraid of someone limiting your freedom or taking your independence away. You’re scared of getting overly exposed when things become too serious.

E se te apaixonares? E se começares a amar essa pessoa mais do que a ti próprio? E se as coisas correrem mal? E se a perder depois de se ter habituado à sua presença?

You think it’s better to keep things casual. That way, you won’t get too attached, and you will face a smaller risk of getting your heart broken.

Besides, you can’t lose what you don’t have, can you?

4 Causas da ansiedade no namoro.

Nem toda a gente tem os mesmos sintomas de ansiedade numa relação. Bem, também ninguém a tem pela mesma razão. Aqui estão as possíveis causas desta condição.

1. Estilo de vinculação ansioso e pouco saudável.

Por outras palavras, o estilo de vinculação descreve a forma como se relaciona com as outras pessoas. Por conseguinte, um estilo de vinculação pouco saudável pode ser uma das principais causas deste tipo de ansiedade.

Estes estilos de ligação podem ser atribuídos ao tipo de ligação que teve com os seus pais ou com o seu principal prestador de cuidados em criança.

If you developed an anxious attachment style, then you’ve had unpredictable parents who didn’t meet your emotional needs. They behaved inconsistently in a way that they loved you at one point, but then neglected you the very next moment.

It’s easy to develop trust issues and fear of abandonment in this kind of environment. You’re incapable of being alone, and you’re emotionally dependent on your partner, which brings you to relationship anxiety.

An avoidant attachment style is typical for children whose emotional needs aren’t met. These people have trouble opening up, talking about their feelings, and committing.

Por outro lado, existe um estilo de vinculação seguro. Aqui, os pais dão conforto aos seus filhos e, ao mesmo tempo, encorajam a sua independência.

As pessoas com um estilo de vinculação seguro raramente desenvolvem ansiedade social, têm uma elevada autoestima e, no final do dia, têm mais hipóteses de construir romances felizes.

2. Negligência ou abuso anterior.

Quer queiramos quer não, todos nós carregamos a nossa bagagem emocional. As suas relações anteriores têm um impacto mais forte na sua nova relação do que possa pensar.

Yes, I’m primarily talking about intimate relationships here. Nevertheless, sometimes, you have to dig deeper and go back to the first relationship you ever had: the one with your caregiver.

Se alguma vez se sentiu mal-amado, indesejado e emocionalmente negligenciado em qualquer uma das suas relações passadas, tem uma maior probabilidade de desenvolver ansiedade nas relações.

Espera que todas as relações em que se mete acabem como as anteriores. Os flashbacks do seu passado desencadeiam os seus pensamentos ansiosos.

Procura bandeiras vermelhas na sua relação atual para poder fugir antes que se trate de negligência ou abuso. Your negative thoughts are there because you’re terrified of history repeating itself.

As painful as this is to hear, the truth is that you’re used to getting abandoned. It’s the only scenario you’re familiar with, so it’s no wonder you expect it all the time.

3. Tendência para pensar demasiado.

Overthinking is in your blood. You don’t analyze your relationship only; you’re pretty much the same about everything in life.

No matter what you’re going through, you always expect the worst. Pessimism overwhelms you, and you don’t remember the last time your negative thoughts weren’t haunting you.

Pensar demais faz parte da sua personalidade e, naturalmente, transfere-a também para as suas relações românticas. Pensa-se demasiado, ama-se demasiado e preocupa-se demasiado com tudo, quanto mais com algo tão importante.

4. Problemas de autoestima.

Finally, problems with low self-esteem can be one of the things that cause your relationship anxiety. For whatever reason, you think that you’re not good enough.

Your sense of self-worth is distorted. You don’t think you deserve anyone’s love and attention.

Consequently, you wonder why your romantic partner would stay by your side. If you don’t see yourself as attractive, intelligent, interesting, and valuable, how can you expect them to think that of you?

Assume que todos o vêem através dos seus próprios olhos.

Basically, the relationship you have with yourself is not a quality one. Therefore, it’s impossible to develop a healthy relationship with anyone else.

Como posso acabar com a ansiedade numa relação?

Se quiser curar a sua ansiedade da forma mais saudável possível, tem de seguir estes passos:

1. Identificar a causa principal.

The first thing you must do is figure out what’s the cause of this issue you’re struggling with.

É o seu estilo de ligação? É a sua bagagem emocional? Será a sua auto-sabotagem e a profecia auto-realizável? Ou será a sua baixa autoestima?

You can’t work on resolving your problem until you get to the bottom of it.

Analise cada uma das causas mencionadas acima e veja com qual delas se identifica mais. Depois de fazer isso, concentre-se em resolver esse problema antes de qualquer outra coisa.

2. Pratique as suas capacidades de comunicação.

The next step is to work on your communication skills. I’m not talking about learning how to talk to your partner in a healthy way only.

Primarily, I’m asking you to learn how to talk to yourself. Learn how to admit your emotions to yourself, and most importantly, learn how not to judge yourself for feeling something.

When it comes to your SO, what matters is to tell them what you’re dealing with. Don’t be ashamed to name your problem and to talk about the signs of relationship anxiety you experience.

I’m not advising you to talk about this on the first date. After all, it’s quite an intimate matter, and you shouldn’t open yourself up that much to this new person you’ve just met.

No entanto, if you’re in a serious relationship, it’s something to discuss with your partner. Fear not… I promise that you won’t chase them away.

On the contrary, they’ll be relieved once they finally understand what’s behind some of your behavior patterns.

3. Aprender a controlar as suas emoções.

Raramente alguém consegue assumir o controlo total das suas emoções e deixar de deixar que as coisas os incomodem. We’re human beings, not robots.

However, it would be good if you could evolve to the point where they don’t control you either. The trick is to learn how to look past the emotion you have at this point.

I’ll give you an example. Just because you’re angry at your partner at this moment doesn’t make your entire relationship worthless.

You shouldn’t allow that negativity to overwhelm you, especially not to the point where you forget all the good things you share outside of this situation.

A melhor maneira de evitar que as coisas o incomodem é através da atenção plena; um método de meditação que o ajuda a relaxar todos os seus sentidos.

4. Trabalhe na sua felicidade fora da relação.

Your relationship should make you happy, but it shouldn’t be the only source of your happiness.

Então, e se o pior cenário se tornar realidade? Vai permitir que essa pessoa lhe tire toda a alegria da sua vida?

As long as you’re doing that, you’ll continue to struggle with relationship anxiety. Mas, quando aprenderes a importância de te colocares em primeiro lugar na tua própria vida, as coisas vão mudar drasticamente.

That’s why you have to build your life outside of your romance. No, don’t neglect your partner, but don’t forget to be a person and not just their boyfriend or girlfriend.

I’m not telling you to prepare yourself for the worst scenario, but always make sure you have a life you can come back to if your relationship happens to fail. Fazer-se feliz não importa o quê!

5. Aprender a gostar de si próprio.

You can’t expect others to love you when you don’t love yourself. Actually, even if you get all the love in this world from the outside, it’ll never be enough.

What you must do is stop connecting your sense of self-worth with someone else’s validation. You have to understand that you’re worthy of everyone’s love, especially your own.

Don’t worry…amarmo-nos a nós próprios over your partner is not selfish; it’s how things should roll. Practicing self-care and prioritizing your own happiness is not ego-centric; it’s how we should all behave.

4. Pedir ajuda.

What if you’ve reached the point when nothing helps? Well, this means that it’s time to ask for help.

Yes, you can try asking your partner, a friend, or a family member to give you a hand. Nevertheless, always keep in mind that they’re not trained professionals. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to help you; sometimes, they just won’t know how to do it.

O melhor que pode fazer é falar com um profissional de saúde mental que o guiará ao longo de todo o processo de cura.

You’ll probably engage in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), where your counselor will eventually help you change your thoughts, habits, and behavior patterns.

Como é que lida com a ansiedade das relações?

O mais importante aqui é levar o seu problema a sério, mas, ao mesmo tempo, não o ver como algo que não pode ser resolvido. Be aware of the issue you’re dealing with and the gravity of the situation, but also have hope that you’re strong enough to fight it.

The worst thing you can do here is panic about the fact that you’re panicking. I know that this is easier said than done, but please, know that this will only make things worse.

Como é que explico ao meu parceiro a minha ansiedade numa relação?

If you’ve decided to share your problem with your partner, firstly, you have to explain what relationship anxiety is. Talk to them about the symptoms, possible causes, and most importantly, about the way it makes you feel.

Dizer-lhes que sabes que namorar alguém com ansiedade is not easy, but that you believe you’ll work things out together.

Be completely honest, but don’t forget to tell them that your condition doesn’t mean you love them any less! Of course, don’t forget to work on your communication skills before doing the talk.

Para terminar:

I just want you to know that you’re not alone. In fact, you’d be surprised by the number of people who are struggling with relationship anxiety.

Mas, sabes o que te torna especial? The fact that you’ve admitted that you have a problem, and the fact that you’re willing to solve it.

Otherwise, you wouldn’t be here, would you? You’ve already made the first, hardest step, and you should be proud of yourself for it!