I spent so much time making excuses for you, forgiving you for your mistakes, giving you second chances and hoping that one day we’ll come to the same page. I hoped that one day you’ll see how hard I was trying for us and that you’ll try to match my efforts.
Somehow I convinced myself that you truly love me and that deep down, you do want to be with me. I told myself how I just need to give you time to figure us out and that things will eventually work out.
I loved you with my whole body and my soul. I loved you as much as one woman can love a man. And I never wanted to take anything from you that I didn’t deserve or that I wasn’t ready to give you myself. I just wanted you to love me as honestly as I loved you. And I wanted to see you trying. But, obviously, I wanted too much.
There was always something up with you. There was always something that stopped you from doing the things a normal person would do without even thinking about them twice. There was always a reason why you had to cancel our plans last minute. There was always a reason why you couldn’t pick up the phone or a perfect explanation of why it took you hours to text me back.
There was always something more important than being there for me when I needed you the most. There was always an excuse or a reason or something that came up last minute. It took me a while to see that you really had a perfect reason to not show up when you supposed to—you just didn’t care enough.
I kept holding on, always too blind and too naive to see the things you were showing me.
Your mouth told me one thing, but the way you behaved told me something completely opposite. And I was confused. My heart was telling me one thing and my mind something completely opposite. I should’ve known that a person’s effort sometimes matters more than love does.
It was always easier for you to come up with excuses than it was for you to try. And I was so easily convinced. I kept saying that it doesn’t matter and how it’s not that big of a deal…how something must’ve stopped you in your intention to be there for me. I kept doing this until I finally realized that there is nothing in this would that could hold back you from being there for me if you truly cared.
I always wore my heart on my sleeve and I never loved just so I’d be loved back. I always gave my best and always had my purest intentions. But you know, you can only give someone so much. There is a line up to which you can keep giving without getting anything in return. When you cross that line, you break.
When people ask me how is it possible we didn’t make it when I loved you so much and when I tried so hard, I just remember how in love, it’s impossible to make things work if there is only one person trying. It’s doomed to end up sadly when there is one person bending over backwards to make things work and another one is just coming up with excuses. Love (if that was what you felt) doesn’t survive without effort.
Actually, I almost gave up on myself so I’d make us work. I almost demolished all my values and all my beliefs to get your love. I almost deleted everything off of my priority list and decided to focus only on you. But then I realized I’d just lose myself in my effort to make you love me.
I didn’t do it. I didn’t choose you to be the only important thing in my life because I realized I’m not half as important to you as you are to me. I realized that I was the only one who was actually trying. At some point, I wondered what would happen if I stopped trying. And I got my answer.
When I pulled back, you didn’t fight back. You didn’t reach out to me. You didn’t try to stop me. You didn’t decide it’s time to actually make an effort. You let me go. And it seemed to be the easiest thing you did.
If it was meant to be, it would be—wasn’t this your ultimate excuse?
If you had tried perhaps we would’ve made it. If you had put in as much effort as you made excuses, maybe it would be. But you didn’t. So don’t blame it on destiny or anything else. For once, be a man and say how it was your fault.
Honey, this one is on you.
I know that I have no sins here other than staying longer than I should have and fighting for someone who never made an actual effort for me. I tried, you didn’t. So, I’m done. I’m finally done.