In times like these, having a collection of good comebacks up your sleeve is not an option but a necessity!
There’s nothing more frustrating than thinking about what you could have said once it’s too late, right? And there’s nothing more badass than beating all the haters and bullies with intelligence and sarcasm!
A clever comeback is a perfect comeback! A mean comeback with sarcastic elements is a witty comeback!
If you have to deal with annoying kids, bullies or a co-worker who drives you mad or you’re just looking for funny banter with your friends, below you’ll find the best comebacks for all situations.
Without further ado, here is a list of savage yet hilarious comebacks that will shut up all the haters (and make you laugh out loud)! Yaay!
The Funniest Sarcastic Comebacks Of All Time
1. You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
2. Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
3. Please, keep talking. I only yawn when I’m super fascinated.
4. If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I’d fart.
5. Jesus might love you but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an asshole.
6. Sorry, I didn’t get that. I don’t speak bullshit.
7. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
8. I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing offending me is your face.
9. Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
10. If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s going to be a while.
11. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
12. Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news—they found your head.
13. No, those pants don’t make you look fatter—how could they?
14. What’s the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a mustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
15. You’re a gray sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
16. If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
17. You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
18. Save your breath—you’ll need it to blow up your date.
19. You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.
20. If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
21. A pretty face is nothing if you have an ugly heart.
22. The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage.
23. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
24. Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
25. Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
26. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.
27. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
28. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
29. Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the third one down.
30. Aw, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
31. I love the sound you make when you shut up.
32. I don’t know what makes you so stupid but it really works.
Snappy Comebacks For All Situations
33. You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
34. Brains aren’t everything; in your case, they’re nothing.
35. You’re so ugly that when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.
36. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies, how silly of me.
37. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
38. The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
39. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
40. Are you always such an idiot or do you just show off when I’m around?
41. When you were born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to your dad, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”
42. Grab a straw because you suck.
43. I’m sorry I didn’t get that—I don’t speak idiot.
44. Quick—check your face! I just found your nose in my business.
45. Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
46. Hey, your village called—they want their idiot back.
47. There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
48. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than whatever you just said.
49. I was pro life. Then I met you.
50. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.
51. Your face makes onions cry.
52. Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
53. I’ve been called worse by better.
54. You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.
55. You should really come with a warning label.
56. Gay? I’m straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
57. I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too.
58. The only way your husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.
59. You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.
60. It’s impossible to underestimate you.
61. I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
62. I’m not a nerd, I’m just smarter than you.
63. Keep rolling your eyes, you might eventually find a brain.
64. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
65. You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
See also: Sassy Quotes: The Ultimate List Of Badass Sayings And Quotes
Awesomely Good Comebacks In The History Of Burns
66. Jealousy is a disease. Get well soon.
67. I’m an acquired taste. Don’t like me, acquire some taste.
68. The jerk store called, they’re running out of you.
69. Whenever we hang out, I remember that God really does have a sense of humor.
70. It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
71. Please just tell me you don’t plan to homeschool your kids.
72. You always bring me so much joy—as soon as you leave the room.
73. Your face is just fine but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.
74. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
75. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
76. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
77. You are like a cloud. Once you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
78. I was hoping for a battle of wits but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s totally unarmed.
79. I’d tell you how I really feel but I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to express myself in this case.
80. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
81. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself but that would be a cruel and unusual punishment.
82. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.
83. You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?
84. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
85. Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
86. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
87. I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
88. Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
89. Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
90. If you’re waiting for me to care, I hope you brought something to eat ‘cause it’s gonna be a really long time.
91. Don’t worry, the first forty years of childhood are always the hardest.
92. I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
93. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!
94. I’m not a proctologist but I know an asshole when I see one.
95. You only annoy me when you’re breathing really.
96. Do yourself a favor and ignore anyone who tells you to be yourself. Bad idea in your case.
97. I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it’s hard to pronounce.
98. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
Savage Comebacks That Will Shut Everyone Up
99. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
100. It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
101. If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.
102. What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
103. I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
104. I’ve seen people like you before but I had to pay admission.
105. Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
106. Someday you’ll go far—and I really hope you stay there.
107. Don’t call me bitch, I’m much more evil than that.
108. Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you’re stupid than open it and remove all doubt.
109. Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
110. Remember that time I said I thought you were cool? I lied.
111. Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while but you really abuse the privilege.
112. Do you always act like an idiot or do you just show off when I’m around?
113. The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
114. Don’t you get tired of putting make-up on two faces every morning?
115. I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
116. Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
117. You know, all the make-up and the clothes in the world can’t change what an ugly person you really are.
118. I can’t help imagining how much more awesome the world would be if your dad had just pulled out earlier.
119. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d gotten enough oxygen at birth?
120. My business isn’t your business. Unless you’re my thong, don’t be up my ass.
121. Can you die of constipation? I ask because I’m worried about how full of shit you are.
122. Good story but in what chapter do you shut the fuck up?
123. You’re so fat you could sell shade.
124. Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
125. Your lips keep moving but all I hear is, “Blah, blah, blah.”
126. Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.
127. I’d love to give you a nasty look but it appears you already have one.
128. Did you know they used to be called ‘jumpolines until your mum jumped on one?
129. Your only purpose in life is as an organ donor.
130. I hear there’s a new app called a sense of humor. You should try downloading it.
I hope you enjoyed this list of sassy, funny insults and funny comebacks. Remember to memorize a few of these good comebacks (I mean great comebacks) for the purposes of silencing all the haters and having a good laugh!
See also: 6 Effective Comebacks To Use To Shut Down A Narcissist
