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109 Dry Humor Jokes That Will Make You Belly Laugh

109 Dry Humor Jokes That Will Make You Belly Laugh

Sometimes, we laugh because jokes are funny. Other times we laugh because they aren’t funny. This doesn’t happen with dry humor jokes because they are ALWAYS funny.

Apart from puns, husband-wife jokes, and other hilarious jokes, comedians really like to spice things up with deadpan humor, aka dry humor jokes.

This type of humor creates anticipation and major plot twists, which are the main ingredients of ? – laughing out loud. Yes, I know you aren’t here to become a comedian but to get a dose of a good laugh from the following jokes collected by known and unknown authors.

To make things even more interesting, I came up with a challenge for you: Try to read the following jokes without laughing.

I’m sure this would be mission impossible, so that’s the main indicator of how good they truly are. ?

Best Dry Humor Jokes

The funniest dry humor jokes are those that are totally unexpected and bold. Having tissues nearby while reading them is strongly recommended.

1. “I asked what I should bring to the party. The hosts said: nothing, just bring a happy face. I had to cancel.”

2. “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

3. Q: “How do I eat consciously?”

A: “You try not to lose consciousness when eating.”

4. “Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punchline.”

5. “A man limps to the doctor’s office and gasps, ‘Doctor, I was bitten by my dog.’

The doctor checks, ‘Did you put anything on it?’

‘No, he seemed to be enjoying the taste without any condiments.’”

6. “How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to write the environmental-impact statement.”

7. “A wife tells her husband, ‘I’m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, don’t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!’”

8. “What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A hippo’s really heavy, and a zippo’s a little lighter.”

9. “‘Looks are not important. It’s what’s inside you that’s really valuable.’ Howard, 37, black market organ dealer.”

10. “Teacher explains to the children in civic education, ‘Every minute that I stand here talking to you, 12 people die.’ Little Johnny raises his hand, ‘perhaps you could try some mouthwash?’”

11. “What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”

12. “That awkward moment when your parents have been telling you not to jump on the bed, but what do you hear at 11 pm? Your parents jumping on the bed.”

13. “I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry… She replied, “YES, I’ll marry you.”

14. “I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.” – Elayne Boosler

15. “They’re introducing facial recognition in smartphones. I’m guessing 60% of women will have serious problems calling anyone in the mornings.”

16. “When french fries meet after a long time, what do they do? They ketchup.”

17. “My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says, ‘WOW!’”

18. “I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.”

19. “A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come? He had it on airplane mode.”

20. “A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini ‘Dry?’ the bartender asks. ‘Nein,’ says the German. ‘Just one.’”

21. “My friend got a job at the dry cleaners, but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers. So the boss sent him to do a course in anger management.”

22. “NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold. My guess is 5–10 years of marriage.”

Dry Humor One-Liners

Funny things are versatile. They don’t need to be long, and sometimes they come as one sentence. In this case, they are dry humor one-liners that will make you burst out laughing.

1. “Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.”

2. “What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.”

3. “Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.”

4. “Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.”

5. “Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall: $200 per hour.”

6. “Google request: How to disable autocorrect in a wife?”

7. “What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.”

8. “What is written on a dentist’s grave? He’s filling his last cavity.”

9. “Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.”

10. “Why are eggs not into jokes? Because they could crack up.”

11. “I will never forget my dad’s last words: ‘Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!’”

12. “I threw away my can opener. It was more of a can’t opener.”

13. “What do pigs apply for dry skin? Oinkment.”

14. “What kind of jokes do laundry like? Dry humor.”

15. “What is small, square, and green? A small green square.”

16. “Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.”

17. “What can you share and yet keep at the same time? An STD, for example.”

18. “What do you call a vegan with diarrhea? A smoothie maker.”

19. “Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.”

20. “How do you describe a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.”

21. “I composed a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.”

22. “My humor is so dry… It comes with a glass of water.”

23. “What’s a dry orange good for? Nothing at all. It’s juiceless.”

24. “What do you do if your eyes are dry? Moisturise.”

25. “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.”

26. “Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.”

27. “What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? (NSFW) Gum!”

28. “Why should you never eat a clock? It’s too time-consuming.”

29. “Why aren’t people allowed to bbq naked in hot, dry climates? High risk of bush fires.”

See also: 120+ Flirty Jokes, Funny Pick-Up Lines, And Witty One-Liners

Best Dad Jokes

Some bad jokes are so bad that they’re awesome. These dad jokes are sometimes also considered anti-jokes or corny jokes. However, one thing is sure: Whatever you call them, they will always be funny jokes.

1. “Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.”

2. “What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.”

3. “I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.”

4. “This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.”

5. “I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it will get a reaction.”

6. “I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.”

7. “Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.”

8. “What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.”

9. “What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.”

10. “What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.”

11. “What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.”

12. “I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.”

13. “I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.”

14. “What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.”

15. “What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.”

16. “I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.”

17. “I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.”

18. “I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!”

19. “How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.”

20. “You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.”

21. “Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!”

22. “What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.”

23. “What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.”

24. “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.”

25. “What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.”

26. “Do you wanna box for your leftovers? No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

27. “I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently, I couldn’t concentrate.”

28. “I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.”

29. “I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”

30. “You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.”

31. “If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?”

32. “How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it’s on the house.”

33. “What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.”

More Dry Humor Examples

Dry humor is best served when it has some elements of dark jokes. Prepare your belly for some more laughing while reading these dry humor jokes.

1. “- A few years back, I went on vacation to the Alps – wife got pregnant. The year after that – the Rockies, wife got pregnant. Two years after that – Tenerife, wife got pregnant. And another vacation’s coming up…’

– ‘So what are you going to do?’

– ‘I think I’m going to have to take her with me this year, just in case.’”

2. “Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: ‘Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!’”

3. “Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. ‘I’ll have to cross the road,’ says one. ‘Well, be careful,’ says the other one, ‘there’s a bus coming in an hour.’”

4. “I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to get out of his fort.”

5. “Hell is red hot, dry, and mostly empty, so how do Australians know they’re dead?”

6. “So I got off the plane, and I forgot to take off my seatbelt, and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal. The wings are knocking people over.” – Steven Wright

7. “Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction, I had to move 300 sheets of drywall. After about 50, I asked him, ‘What’s the best way to move all this drywall?’

He said, ‘Hire someone else to do it for way less then what it’s worth.’

I said, ‘Well, why don’t we do that?’

He said, ‘I already did… Get back to work!’”

8. “Well, dry January is 10 days away from being over, and I can’t wait for February 1st. I’m really starting to get tired of all the dry reds, dry whites, dry gin, dry vermouth, etc.”

9. “Roses are red, nuts are brown, skirts go up, pants go down.
Body to body, skin to skin, when it’s stiff, stick it in.
The longer it’s in, the stronger it gets, it goes in dry and comes out wet.
It comes out dripping and starts to sag, it’s not what you think…
It’s a teabag!”

10. “Two cannibals are eating a comedian. One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’ The other replies, ‘Kinda dry. I think we roasted him too long.’”

11. “They say women get turned on by guys who are funny. Well, if that’s true, I must have a very dry sense of humor.”

12. “Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, ‘I need you to help me get to the other side!’ The other guy replies, ‘You’re on the other side!’”

13. “I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

14. “Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.”

See also: 220 Hilariously Funny Birthday Wishes And Jokes

And More Dry Sense Of Humor Jokes

Are you already tired from all that laughing? I’m sure you could laugh some more. ? Prepare your belly for one more session of a good laugh.

1. “I started dry January, before January. I am proud to say I’ve been sober now for 43 days. Not in a row or anything, just in total.”

2. “A woman went to the dry cleaners to clean a dress she was going to wear to a party in the evening. She walks in and gives the lady at the desk the dress and then walks out. ‘Come again,’ the lady at the desk says. The woman turns her back and looks at the lady at the desk and says, ‘No, it was just toothpaste this time.’”

3. “My friend and I got arrested by the police. When we were in the police car, one of the officers told us to put the seatbelt on. My friend said, ‘Don’t worry about it. If anybody stops us, I’ll pay the fine.’ Everybody laughed.”

4. “Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business? He always used too much starch.”

5. “My wife decided to trim our household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned, she washed it by hand… Proud of her savings, she boasted, ‘We’re five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand.’ I replied, ‘Good, wash it again!’”

6. “My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the raindrops. I told her she’s deluginal.”

7. “My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day, and he asked for my advice on the situation. I told him, ‘Dad, I think it’s time to throw in the towels.’”

8. “If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.”

9. “A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, ‘There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.’ She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, ‘What’s so funny?’ She says, ‘I’m imagining how they make condoms.’”

10. “Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.”

11. “Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.”

In Closing

Dry humor jokes are unexpected, bold, witty, and simply awesome. These jokes literally scream: I’m not trying too hard to make you laugh, but I know you will.

Whenever you’re in need of a great sense of humor, let these jokes entertain you. Also, don’t forget to share them with your partner, friends, family, and coworkers.

Laughter is the best remedy for everything, and it will make your bond with others stronger.?

The science of humor confirms this in the following words: “Prior research has found that humor can help facilitate recovery from stressful situations, even prolonging people’s tolerance for physical pain.”

So, what are you waiting for? Laugh, laugh, and laugh some more… ?