Ladies, I hear you. You are not alone, believe me. Each one of us, at least once, has paused for a moment, exhaled, and said, “He doesn’t know what he wants.”
The problem often is not in ourselves. We have clearly defined our wishes and needs. Most of us want that vintage kind of love and a serious relationship. And now you’re thinking: “I swear to God if I hear him say that one more time, I’ll …”
Okay, okay, calm down, you will get wrinkles, don’t frown, and don’t stress. Somehow, it seems that whatever we do, it is simply not enough for them.
Men often seem distant when it comes to things that are important to us, which is good old courtship and romance (especially if you’re a hopeless romantic like myself).
The probability that you will come across a guy who does not know what he wants at least once in your life is, to say the least, HUGE. So, what can you do about it when it happens?
Let me help you. You can learn about the most common reason “he doesn’t know what he wants” and what you can do about it. So, let’s get started!
He Doesn’t Know What He Wants: 11 Possible Reasons Why
If a man doesn’t know what he wants, there’s no need to panic yet, but don’t minimize the seriousness of his statement. The best possible method to deal with these men is to learn about what’s going on in their subconscious. Here are the most common reasons why a man would say that he doesn’t know what he wants:
1. He’s only interested in hooking up or the physical part of your relationship
Sometimes guys are only interested in hooking up with you but will refuse to acknowledge it if they start suspecting that you want something more.
Also, sometimes it seems that everything he cares about is the S word, and that is the end of it. Even though it is a new relationship, it’s fun and exciting, but should it be like that?
Oh yes, let’s face it, we know how to romanticize things too much. We would like to be his number one. We want bouquets, chocolates, good morning messages, and gentle kisses, and he would just like company in bed at the end of his workday.
Can you guess? Not a very complicated equation.
“I don’t know what I want” is equivalent to “I’m interested only in the physical part of our relationship” or “I want to break up with you.” And that is when they start ignoring you all of a sudden.
2. He’s simply not into you
Yes, I know. From the moment of birth, we are taught that if a boy in kindergarten pulls us by the hair, pinches us, teases us, and even if he ignores us, it is because he likes us.
Well, spoiler alert. What if he’s simply not into you?
Of course, it hurts to know that someone we like doesn’t feel the same for us, but that is the reality. Personal preferences and tastes are things we cannot control in others. Everyone has their ideal type of person.
So, no matter how many times you mention that you were prom queen, have a degree from a good university, or are independent, the chemistry is still not mutual.
3. He has no intention to stop seeing other people
Ouch. You might as well just quit now. A man who is genuinely interested in you would never say such a thing. If you want a long-term relationship with someone, you definitely won’t see other people.
But a man who doesn’t have any serious intentions with you won’t find that idea a horrible one. If you’re not on the same page, don’t fall into his “casual trap.”
If he’s suggesting this, it is more than obvious he’s looking for something casual, but with many people, obviously. Too bad his Tinder profile didn’t say so, but now you know. Now save your pride and let him have a low-key fling with someone else.
4. Something else is bothering him on a subconscious level
Sometimes the reason why a man doesn’t know what he wants is that he’s pressured by external things in his life. For example, he might be having problems at work or with his family.
These external pressures can affect his love life and confuse him about what he really wants with you.
If you think that this could be the case, just give him enough time and wait for him to come to you and tell you what’s really going on.
5. He’s carrying the burden of a past toxic relationship
His past often influences what he wants and why he doesn’t know what he wants. His previous relationships could’ve been a mix of toxic relationships, exes acting like crazy, angry ex-girlfriends, you name it.
Perhaps he has not had the opportunity to develop and improve communication with his partner and define his desires clearly.
His past relationships will sometimes affect how he experiences potential relationships in the present.
6. He’s interested in being friends with benefits
What attracts people around the world is this invisible thread that we often call chemistry.
He walks into a room, and you’re suddenly hot, you’re blushing, and when your eyes meet – oh-la-la. It seems like he’s undressing you with his eyes, and you can’t resist it.
His “Christian Gray” body language signs say one thing, and he enjoys your company, but it doesn’t seem like he’s defined your relationship. Where does this lead?
To the realm known as friends with benefits?
You’re not the only person in the world who has this problem. Men see friends with benefits as a perfect fling every now and then, minus the pressure and the “where is this going” question that they hate so much.
7. He’s still not over his ex
Except talking about you, for starters, he just can’t shut up about his ex. What’s up with that? They’re just friends, he says? I don’t think so. Do you talk about your friends that much? I thought so.
I know, nobody likes this. Why in the world would you like to be someone’s replacement? Someone’s bad copy? That’s what he thinks.
You’re great and everything, but you can’t be her. You will never be her. You have two ways to approach that topic. Either be upset or act like an adult. Ask him honestly about it, seek an honest answer and move on if that’s possible.
8. He has trust issues
Beneath that male shield that he’s got pulled up to protect himself that you can’t get him to remove, he still has the emotional and fragile side to him. Men are also vulnerable.
Of course, they pretend to be strong men who find it hard to shed a tear, but what is the cause of that? What if he has been hurt in the past? Losing trust in someone you once loved and even losing a loved one is not easy.
We quickly bond with other people, and the loss we may experience is hard to bear for many reasons—the habits we have acquired with them and the memories and feelings we have for them.
Once you don’t have any of those anymore, you’re left hurt, which may affect your future relationship whether you like it or not. It simply happens.
9. He wants to take it slow
Although we know that couples are very much in love with each other at the beginning of a relationship, sometimes it is not good to spend time together 24/7 (assuming you’re in a relationship).
Maybe it’s not so strange now that he doesn’t know what he wants. This is not necessarily a bad thing, and for some couples, it is not a problem, but some people just need some alone time. Maybe that’s why your sweetheart feels so confused.
He might think you’re thinking of moving forward in your relationship. How about moving in together? A ring on your finger? Men get brain alarms over these things, and it would be more than a good idea to talk to your partner about it.
10. He doesn’t want to hurt you
Here’s the truth. A man who doesn’t want to hurt you and who certainly doesn’t want the reputation of a heartbreaker will often say he doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe that’s exactly what you need to hear. Maybe sometimes it’s better to hear the filtered version of “you’re not for me.”
11. He LITERALLY doesn’t know what he wants
He wants a perfect waist, skinny barbie showgirl, but also a lovely shy girl who can cook and clean after him. Someone he can take home for the holidays and not whisper in her ear, “I told you that skirt is too short.”
It’s a rare case you get both of them in one lady, fellas, but either way, you have to be clear with your wishes.
What To Do When A Man Is Confused About What He Wants
There are a few things you can do when a man doesn’t know what he wants, including talking to him about it, giving him some space, reverse psychology, and showing understanding. You’ll find all of these explained below:
Talk to him about it
Sometimes, the best way to ask someone about something or simply point out a thing that bothers you isn’t by circling around it. Be honest, straight, and direct with him.
Don’t push him away. Tell them what bothers you. Don’t be afraid to get emotional and real because that is simply how you feel.
If he still pretends like he doesn’t care, well, it’s time for you to step away. You can always leave some space for a “call me when you figure things out,” but if you don’t want to, walk away proudly. You were nothing but honest and open with him from the beginning.
Give him time and space
This is one of the most challenging methods (speaking from experience), but it’s totally necessary. The most important fact of all is that this actually WORKS! Well, in 90% of cases.
By giving him time and space, you’ll relieve him of the pressure and give him enough time to think about what he really wants. Every man appreciates a woman who is ready to do this. (This is something every relationship coach will tell you.)
It shows that you’re not clingy or needy. It shows that you both respect yourself and him. If that’s not a valid enough reason to ignite his desire to call you his girlfriend, then I don’t know what is.
Reverse psychology method
If you constantly feel like you’re chasing him, trust me, he’s wasting your time. And why would you want to waste your time with someone who’s obviously not interested in you?
Take that amount of time and use it for something more useful. Here’s an idea: start going after someone who appreciates your time and effort! A reality check every now and then is what we all need.
Also, add a little bit of reverse psychology there (ignore his calls, ignore his texts) if you want and expect him to start running after you soon. Everything becomes interesting to men when it is no longer available. (Sad but true.)
You’re no longer an “errand boy” that he can have any time he wants. You’re someone worth respect now.
Show understanding and patience
Don’t blame him for not knowing what he wants. If you do that, he might pull away even more. Instead, let him know that you understand how he feels at the moment (even if it’s not true). He will appreciate your efforts to stay calm when your mind is in total overthinking mode.
If nothing changes after some time, then consider moving on
“Maybe I want this, or that, I’m not sure….”
Don’t ignore the signs. There is a good sign, a sign that your partner will do his best to work on the relationship, and a common goal: improving your relationship and those horrible red flags that no one likes.
If nothing changes after some time, then walk away.
Lack of attention, ignoring you, if he’s taking you for granted. Umm, really, girl? I wouldn’t want to be taken for granted. No matter how much you like someone or enjoy someone’s company, don’t waste your time if you don’t feel a connection.
He obviously isn’t sure. He’s probably lonely, and due to his loneliness, he’s spending time with you. But if you’re not fulfilled with that relationship or the amount of time you’re spending together, that’s a red flag right there, and you should seriously move on.
What Do YOU Want?
Let me help you with this one. Basically, we want someone to fight for our love, to win us over every day with his beautiful gestures, someone who will protect us and understand us.
Is this man that man? Is he the one? Do you like him like crazy? Do you really think there is a future for the two of you?
It’s okay to be a little bit selfish. Before we want happiness for others, we want to be happy ourselves. If your intuition says that this relationship has no potential future, why stress about it?
It sounds very silly when someone tells you that someone better will come along, but someone better always exists. Why not wait?
Act or react?
You just can’t let go of that gut feeling you have. Is he afraid to step into a serious, committed relationship? Maybe he just needs a best friend who understands him for now and someone who would like to try slowly?
There are many clear signs you can recognize if he really wants to give your relationship a chance or if he’s just not that into you.
If he really wants to try, that’s a very good sign. Maybe a few months from now, you will be in first place, and your love life might bloom.
This rule does not only apply to frightened boys and girls. Every relationship requires patience, work, and good communication. That’s how a committed relationship works.
Listen to and understand your partner’s needs and desires. There are two of you in this relationship, not one of you.
Now you’ve finally heard them. Those sweet, sweet words you’ve been waiting for for so long. “I want a relationship with you.” And the skies are blue again. The birds are singing, and everything’s better now.
Knock knock. Who is it? Happiness, finally. Happiness who? Your happiness.
It seems like yesterday now, doesn’t it? You were having a hard time, and not a single piece of relationship advice from relationship experts worked. Your man had a fear of commitment, and perhaps you even gave him an ultimatum, but look at you now.
You’re spending a lot of time together, getting all these cute good morning messages from him, and you’re finally happy with this ending in your own life. It’s not a silly novel you’re reading this time – this is your own life.
So, believe that everything will fall into place if you’re meant to be together. Sadly, this is something lots of people forget.
Wrapping It Up
I’ll summarize some of the main tips to implement when he doesn’t know what he wants. Trust your gut feeling, be patient, and give him some space.
Also, believe that you deserve to be in a reciprocal, healthy relationship, not a one-sided one.
The bottom line is simple: to find love, the road may not be ideal. But the road is there, so keep going. After all, all roads lead somewhere.