I am on my own lately. There isn’t you anymore to deceive me with your sweet words and hug me with your toxic hands. And no matter how I hate you, I love you at the same time. So, I catch myself thinking a lot about you, about the things that we once had. I think of all those nice memories that we made together and I can’t save myself from tears when I realize that we won’t be together anymore.
Then, in a moment of my insanity, I get so mad at myself, smashing all the things that you bought me. In that way, I am ruining every single memory that reminds me of you. Because that is what I have to do. Even if it hurts like hell, I have to erase you from my system. I need to get rid of your smell on me, your kisses on my body, your voice that is still echoing in my head. I need to prove to myself that I can live on my own and that I don’t need you to complete me.
Because if I don’t do that, I will go crazy. I will totally lose my mind over a man who doesn’t even give a damn about me. I will lose myself to a man who didn’t even fight for me. Because you were a coward, frightened to do at least that. When you saw that I was broken it was easier to leave me than to fix me. But I swear, I will be better without you. Layer by layer, I will take you off of my skin. Day by day, I will stop mentioning your name. Night by night, I will think less of you. Because truth to be told, you don’t deserve me. You never really did. But I was so blind in love that I thought that I have enough love for both of us and that you will eventually wake up.
I thought that you just need some time to see all those amazing things about me that everybody else saw. But that moment never happened.
You continued on your own, not asking me what I thought. You had the power to make me feel bad by saying only one word. Only one look from you would ruin my whole evening. And I felt like I was nothing. While I was everything. I was and I still am a woman to love. So screw you for not seeing that. Even if you tried, you won’t convince me that I am the unlovable one. Well, maybe to you, but who are you to judge me? Don’t you see that you don’t have any right to tell me what to do anymore? So don’t try to find me because the girl you hurt doesn’t exist anymore.
She died that night when you hurt her. She is transformed into a whole new person now. The one who doesn’t get attached so easily and the one who doesn’t trust people as soon as she meets them. So, do yourself a favor and stay far away from me. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I don’t want your excuses, your sweet words and your hugs. All of that is fake, even if it took me too long to realize that you were my worst decision. You treated me like I was the smaller one. You made me beg for your love and affection. You humiliated me in front of myself and that is the worst humiliation of them all.
When you know that you’re begging someone, you understand that doing that should not be an option, but you still catch yourself doing it. And I did that. With you I hit rock bottom, but for you, that wasn’t enough. You wanted to totally ruin me as a woman. You wanted to break my heart into pieces so small that I could never make my heart whole. And I would like to know what I did to you that you wanted to get revenge in that way. I don’t know what kind of sin I did to get this kind of treatment from you. And you know what? I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I know that it will take a lot of time to completely erase you from my life, but I will work on that every day. And one day, when I least expect it, my heart will stop calling your name.
One day, I will be free of you. I will finally accept that I am way better on my own and that I did the right thing by letting you go. That day, I will learn to love myself. And that day will be the best day of my life. When that happens I won’t have weak knees every time I see you or hear your voice in the background. My heart won’t even start beating faster when you tell me that you miss me and that you made a huge mistake. I am not going to give you the only thing you crave—me! In fact, you are not important anymore. This time I want to devote to myself and things that I love. This time, I want to show you that I can shine without you and that I can be happy on my own. This time, I will make the world my own again.