Society tends to look down on people who seem weak in the face of their misfortunes. When someone who’s been through a hard time shows that they’re persevering against all odds, they’re praised for being brave.
On the other hand, people who get stuck feeling sorry for themselves are looked down upon. ‘Stop indulging in a pity party’ is a synonym for telling someone, ‘Stop being weak and do something about it.’
Some people aren’t as strong as others, but they still deserve understanding and kindness. People who end up wallowing in self-pity are hurting themselves because they don’t know how to move on or because they get something out of it they can’t get elsewhere.
If you feel like you’ve been stuck in a rut of self-loathing and wondering why it’s all happening to you, there’s a way to move on, and it all starts with a little self-compassion.
Stop Wallowing In Self-Pity Through Self-Compassion
A way out of the endless cycle of wallowing in self-pity and falling deeper into shame is hard. The longer you’re stuck in it, the more you get used to feeling sorry for yourself, and moving on seems impossible.
Sometimes you just need to catch a break – all it takes is for one good thing to happen to you and shake things up. But when you feel like the world is against you, a chance to stop feeling broken rarely comes along, so there’s only one thing you can do: make your own opportunities.
Pretending your feelings don’t exist isn’t a sign of strength. To move on, you need to deal with them. It’s the hardest job you’ll ever have, but doing it will start your transformation.
1. Start with compassion for yourself
Feeling sorry for yourself is a form of self-loathing. You think that whatever you do, you can’t get what you want and only bad things happen to you. This makes you envy those who seem to have their lives together and shame because you feel you’re not good enough.
You hate yourself because you have no self-compassion and can’t accept these feelings. Once you choose to tell yourself, ‘It’s okay,’ things will start to get better.
2. Treat yourself as you would a friend
How to develop compassion for yourself when you think you’re the worst, so the world is the worst to you? You must decide to change self-loathing into self-love.
This love must be unconditional – you must love yourself no matter what. You need to love yourself despite your flaws and things you don’t like about yourself. Only when you get there can you start treating yourself like a loved one.
Treat yourself how you’d treat a beloved friend if they were in the same situation as you are now.
3. Talk to a therapist
What seems like self-pity can sometimes be clinical depression.
Visiting a psychotherapist can be just the break you need, whether this is the case or not. If you are depressed, they will give you medication that can be profoundly helpful in a short period of time and refer you to counseling, which is absolutely necessary when you’re depressed.
If you aren’t, talking to a professional is still incredibly helpful for your mental health and will jump-start your journey of moving away from self-pity,
4. Face your feelings
Bad things happen to everyone, but when you feel like there’s no end to them, falling into a pit of despair is easy. You ask yourself, “Why me? Why is it all happening to you? Why can’t you be happier, healthier, taller, smarter, different?”
These feelings that you don’t deserve to be happy – self-doubt, envy, feeling sorry for yourself, shame – are still your feelings, and you can’t ignore them. Feel them fully and understand them, and then you’ll be able to deal with them.
5. Build self-esteem
Low self-esteem can be both the cause and effect of self-pity, causing a vicious cycle from which there seems to be no escape. You can break the cycle by choosing to stop focusing on the negative: the bad things that happened to you and the bad opinions you have of yourself.
Accepting yourself is how you start building self-confidence. It’s a long process, taking a day at a time, but it will completely change your outlook and how you live your life.
6. Take control of your life
Feeling like bad luck follows you is what makes you believe that your life isn’t under your control. Even so, you must decide that you still have choices. There’s always a choice, no matter how bad things get.
You have a choice in how you react: do you stop or do you keep going? Instead of letting feelings of self-pity stop you, work on turning your pity into compassion and motivation.
7. Stop victimizing yourself
When something bad happens, do you just take it? It’s okay not to have the strength to fight back the way you want to, but one thing you should never do is accept that things just happen to you. This is victim mentality and does nothing except make you feel powerless and lost.
Your circumstances might be different than what you’d like them to be, but your life is your own, and you do have control over it.
8. Take responsibility
When you decide that you’re done having things happen to you, you assume personal responsibility for your life. Things that happen don’t determine who you are and how you should live – you’re the only one who does.
To take responsibility means to stop blaming, expecting, and enduring. It means to begin doing, changing, and moving. It’s liberating, and once you choose to make your own decisions and stand behind them, you won’t go back to wallowing in self-pity.
9. Do things that give you a sense of accomplishment
To feel happy, people need a sense of joy and a sense of accomplishment in their lives. When you’re not feeling okay, both of these might seem like a distant dream, but you can do it.
Start small and do something good for yourself today that you didn’t do yesterday. Finish any task, no matter how easy, and for now, that’s enough. Do it every day until you feel like you can accomplish more, and soon, those good things will become a habit. Keep going and moving forward.
10. Do things that give you a sense of joy
How can you lift your mood when nothing brings you joy? When it seems like nothing can make you happy, look for the smallest spark. Find a way to feel any sort of comfort, and do it regularly.
Maybe pampering yourself won’t make you happy, but it feels good. Playing with a pet or a child can put a smile on your face. Talking to a loved one, listening to your favorite song, taking a walk, or anything that seems like it should make you happy might not do it right now, but keep doing them.
Even if you believe that these little things aren’t doing anything, they are – you just need to let yourself feel it.
11. Help other people
Calling someone less fortunate isn’t helpful because to everyone, their own struggle is the hardest. Still, helping other people with their problems shifts your perspective from your own troubles.
When you do things for others, you feel like you’re part of something bigger than yourself. Making someone’s life a little easier is its own reward, but it also helps you feel connected to others and shifts the focus from yourself.
12. Tackle your problems one at a time
You can’t solve everything that’s bothering you at once and magically become a new version of yourself. Things, unfortunately, don’t work that way. You must, however, start somewhere.
One problem less means more than you think. By dealing with what bothers you one at a time, the list gets shorter. Think about it this way: in a year’s time, do you want things to be the same or better?
13. Learn to accept what you can’t change
You already know that you should let go of things, but how can you do that when you’re still feeling the effects? You let go by doing your best to make things better, then accepting that there are some things you can’t change.
This doesn’t mean that you should be complacent and accept everything but that you should do the best you can with what you have and work on the things that can be different.
14. Practice being strong
Bottling up your feelings isn’t what being strong is about. Feel your pain, disappointment, sense of inadequacy, but then choose to be positive – this is what it means to be strong.
Being in touch with your mind and feelings, then doing everything you can with what you have is hard. Giving up and succumbing to self-pity is easier, but it hurts more. Choose today to do something good with your life, and tomorrow, you’ll be better. The more you practice, the easier it will become.
15. Understand what willpower really is
People who accomplish something that seems unreachable are praised for their willpower, but do you really know what that means? Willpower isn’t going against what you want – it’s the opposite: it’s finding the strength to do something difficult because you want it so much.
Once you decide that you want to stop wallowing in self-pity and change your life, you’ll be able to do it. When you really want something, doing whatever it takes to get it is easy.
16. Recognize negative thinking
When you think negative thoughts regularly, they become part of you, and you don’t realize that this is what they are. Learn to identify negative thinking so that you can stop it in its tracks.
Negative thoughts pop into your mind on their own, and they influence your behavior. They’re not helpful and hold you back. Learn to recognize them and challenge them.
17. Find a sense of gratitude
Self-pity can be self-indulgent. There’s a comfort in helplessness and blaming the world that can give you a sense of validation, but it only hurts you.
Instead of focusing on everything that’s gone wrong, choose to feel grateful for the good things. There’s always something that you have that you’re taking for granted. Count your blessings and be grateful. This positive outlook can change your life for the better.
18. Learn to adapt
What about the things you don’t like and can’t change? Once you accept them, you must learn to work with what you have. Adapting to your circumstances is the only way to grow.
Clinging to the things you’re unhappy about only brings more unhappiness. When you choose how to react to the things that happen to you, disappointments can turn out to be opportunities.
19. Live in the present
Being stuck in the past and dwelling on the things that happened only holds you back. Choosing to live in the here and now is what you need to keep going. Don’t let the past rob you of your present and future.
Practice mindfulness to bring focus to the present moment. Focus on the things that are, not the things that used to be and things that might be.
20. Choose to move forward
If you‘ve gone through all the tips, you’ve learned one thing: you make your own way. Life doesn’t happen to you – you’re the one who makes your own choices. So choose to move forward.
Embrace change and realize that you’re in control. Be kind and patient with yourself, but show yourself love by doing what’s best for you, and that’s deciding to stop wallowing in self-pity.
In Summary
To stop wallowing in self-pity and find the validation you need elsewhere, you need to learn to love yourself and show that love in every way necessary. When you love someone, you’ll do things that are good for them, no matter how difficult and unpleasant they might be.
When you feel love and compassion for yourself, you’ll understand why self-pity only hurts you and do your best to move on.
