Couples fight, no matter how much we’d all like to deal with our relationship problems in an easier way. Opinions clash, needs don’t get met, and everyone makes mistakes – conflict in a relationship is inevitable.
How you handle an argument when it arises depends greatly on your communication skills and emotional intelligence. However, your attitude has the most significant impact on the outcome of the conflict: what it is you’re looking to achieve from an argument with your partner.
An argument can quickly turn into a fight when emotions are high and things are said in the heat of the moment that you’d normally never say to your partner. If either of you is looking to win the fight instead of striving to solve your problems, then the last thing you’re going to reach is a solution.
This is what usually leads to situations in which you might end up thinking, “We haven’t talked in a week after fight – what should I do?” There’s really only one thing to do if you want to save your relationship: swallow your pride, and reach out.
We Haven’t Talked In A Week After Fight – What Should I Do?
Lack of contact doesn’t have to mean that the relationship is over. If your anger has subsided by this point and all you’re left with is the thought, “We haven’t talked in a week after fight,” your worry that things might be serious is understandable.
If your partner has cut off communication after a huge argument, worry and uncertainty can make you anxious. Your partner keeping their distance can make you think they want to break up, but it’s too soon to panic.
It’s normal for couples to fight, and your relationship can recover as long as you’re prepared to work to solve your problems. So what should you do – contact your partner, or give them space? Will things get better if you give them space or if you get in touch?
Figuring this out is a challenge because unless they’ve let you know what‘s going on, you can’t be sure whether they want you to contact them or not, but this is exactly where the answer lies. Deciding what to do depends on which one of the following two situations you find yourself in.
1. If your partner has let you know they need space
Leave them alone.
If immediately after the fight, your partner has told you directly that they need space or told a mutual friend that they can’t talk to you right now, you’re aware of the reason for the lack of contact. This isn’t the time to push and be clingy.
In this case, respect your partner’s wishes and give them space to work out their issues. You can’t make your partner talk to you until they’re ready. Don’t try to get them to explain things right now, and especially don‘t try to continue the argument.
They might need time to sulk for a while. Forcing things after your partner tells you not to get in touch will just prolong the situation.
If you dwell on what happened and what they might decide, you‘ll drive yourself crazy thinking about what’s going on. Let it go for now to focus on yourself and your own life. This is easier said than done, but the simplest way to keep your mind off things is to find something to keep yourself occupied, preferably by doing something you love.
2. If your partner hasn’t contacted you since the fight
Get in touch.
If you haven’t heard from your partner at all since the fight, you can’t possibly know what’s going on. Your partner might be hurt and need space to work out their feelings, or they might be punishing you. They might be playing games, but avoid the temptation to push back.
Your partner might be stuck in a win/lose mindset and believe that you’re to blame for whatever happened and that you should take the first step. This kind of thinking has no place in a healthy relationship, and it’s something you should work on after things have calmed down a little.
Nevertheless, if you’re trying to avoid a breakup, the first thing to do is put your ego aside. Someone has to take the first step, and it might as well be you. Right now, stop focusing on who was right or wrong. Think of your relationship: is being right worth losing it? Put love ahead of pride.
How Long Should You Wait To Reach Out After A Fight?
Unless your partner has explicitly told you not to contact them, then do it as soon as possible. If your partner has told you that they need space, don’t contact them until they do. Otherwise, you won’t know what‘s happening until you get in touch.
They might ignore your message, in which case you shouldn’t contact them again. They‘ll know you made a move and that the ball is now in their court. They might let you know that they need some time until they’re ready to talk, in which case, give them space until they reach out.
Maybe your partner was just waiting for you to make the first move and show that you care. If there’s goodwill and a desire to continue your relationship on both sides, you can get over this. Don’t wait for your partner to contact you – reach out and extend an olive branch. Let them know that you’re willing to work for your relationship.
A good way to get in touch is by sending a text message or voicemail. This doesn’t put immediate pressure on them to respond like a phone call would, and it gives the both of you the chance to organize your thoughts. Then, after they respond, you can arrange a meeting or some other way that would allow you to have a conversation.
How To Act With Your Partner After A Fight
Communicate with your partner sincerely and respect both of your feelings. There’s no need to be meek and walk on eggshells to avoid spooking your partner. Instead, encourage them to speak up and let you know when they can‘t talk about something.
Your and your partner’s mental health are important factors in the health of your relationship. Personal issues can make conflict resolution difficult. It’s important to be understanding and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
1. Think about the fight before you talk to your partner.
An argument can start when you ask your partner to do a chore and end up in tears, slammed doors, and radio silence. Before you try to talk to them, seriously think about your recent fight and other fights to figure out why something petty escalated and how to stop it from happening again.
Some questions to ask yourself:
• Was the reason for the fight something that’s been bothering you for a while?
Sometimes couples fight about the same thing over and over again or bottle something up until it explodes. It might be a conflict in their values or a behavior they’re unwilling to change, but it has to be dealt with.
• Did you say something they can’t get over?
Sometimes in the heat of the moment, things are said that don’t seem like a big deal to one person but cut deep and feel overwhelming to the other.
• How did you act in the fight?
While you communicate, everything from the tone of your voice to your body language and the words you use tell your partner how you feel and vice versa. If you were very angry during the fight and feeling vindictive, your partner might think that your feelings for them have changed.
• Were you fighting to win the fight or to solve the problem?
Constructive arguments can be useful in relationships. They help you see the other person’s point of view and can even bring you closer together. When all you focus on is proving your point, conflicts end in resentment instead of solutions.
• Do you fight often?
If you often fight about insignificant things, it usually means that there is an underlying issue you’re not dealing with. Before you can move forward, you have to figure out what it is and how to address it.
• Are there other signs that there are issues in your relationship?
Just because you and your partner aren’t best friends (yet) isn’t in itself a problem. On the other hand, if you don’t like spending time together, don’t listen to each other, if you complain and criticize each other, you might be in trouble.
• Did you hurt your partner on purpose?
Sometimes when you‘re hurt and angry, all you want to do is make the other person hurt too, even though you later regret it. Sometimes anger lingers, and people take it further when they should let it go.
For example, posting pics of you partying with friends on social media the next day when you know your partner will see them while they’re hurting.
• Are you willing to work on your problems?
This is key. Unless both of you are ready to put in the work, your arguments will keep repeating themselves, and your boyfriend or girlfriend might become your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
Answers to these questions might give you the answers to ”Why won’t my partner talk to me in a week after a fight?” and “How can I get them to come back?“ You‘ll get a picture of how to apologize and how to approach your partner. Really giving it some thought might even give you an idea if it’s space they need.
2. Don’t view arguments as zero-sum games.
The least beneficial situation after an argument in a relationship is if both partners blame each other and try to have the upper hand by making the other person reach out first. If at least one person demonstrates the willingness to communicate and reconcile, it can get easier – just don’t be the one to wait for your partner to do so.
Be honest: it’s very possible that you are also experiencing toxic thoughts and negative feelings regarding who’s to blame and what it means to be the one to make the first move. The sooner you ditch the idea that the person who extends their hand is the loser, the sooner you can get on the road to making things better.
Being the one to forgive doesn’t imply that from now on, the other person can do whatever they want or that they’re somehow the winner of the fight. You should still have boundaries that you make known to your partner and expect them to respect. There are no winners or losers in a partnership.
Spend your energy looking for a solution instead of trying to win the argument.
3. Be compassionate.
If your partner is reluctant to communicate after the fight, don’t try to force them to open up; instead, give them the option and let them know you’re willing to listen. Emotional distance following an argument isn’t necessarily a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, but it can mean that the person who’s withdrawing isn’t equipped to deal with the situation.
If your partner is giving you the silent treatment or stonewalling you, it doesn’t have to be seen as an immediate sign that they’re trying to manipulate you, although it can be. Whether it’s a coping mechanism when they’re feeling overwhelmed, they’re too upset to continue, or a manipulation technique can be determined from other aspects of your relationship.
Trying to reach someone who doesn’t want to talk can be frustrating, but trying to force it won’t have any effect aside from making you argue again.
4. Think about what you should say.
When you approach your partner, do so with the best intentions and with an idea of what you want to say. Here are some things you might want to include to let your partner know you’re ready to communicate.
• Offer an explanation, but don’t look for excuses. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t mean it if it has hurt your partner.
• Let them know you feel bad about the fight. Be specific if you especially regret saying or doing something. Apologize if you think that’s what you need to do, but make sure your apology is genuine.
• Take responsibility for your behavior during the fight and whatever led to it.
• Express regret about the fight and acknowledge your behavior.
• Ask your partner how you can make things better. Let them know what you need from them.
• Show how much your partner means to you and that you want to deal with your problems. Promise – and mean it – that you’ll do better.
• Tell your partner that your relationship is more important than the fight and that you don’t want to fight anymore.
5. Know when to ask for help.
If things become impossible to solve on your own, consider visiting a professional together. Provided that both of you want to stay together, you need to learn how to deal with conflict and deal with the underlying issues in your relationship.
These are some signs that the problems in your relationship might be too much for you to solve on your own in the first place and that you should ask for help:
• Threats. If you’re constantly threatening to break up while you fight, one of these days it’s going to happen. You need to examine why this happens.
• Ultimatums. This is the opposite of compromise, which is one of the pillars of a partnership.
• Derision. Calling each other names, doing things just to spite the other person, and other signs of wanting to harm each other.
• Infidelity. Rebuilding trust after infidelity is a long and difficult process that can be too much to handle. If you’ve decided to continue your relationship after infidelity, relationship counseling might make things easier.
• Resentment. If you bring up things not only from last night but from last year during arguments, there might be some unresolved issues.
Reach Out Or Give Them Space?
After a big fight in a relationship that ends in raised voices, tears, and a reluctance to deal with the real issues, both partners will feel hurt and angry. The first time you fight with your significant other in that way will be the last time you fight at all unless one of you reaches out because there won’t be a relationship to fight about.
“We had a fight” can easily turn into ”We haven’t talked in a week after fight,” which can turn into a breakup unless someone bites the bullet and reaches out to make things right.
You don’t have to be the one to do so, but if you see that your partner hasn’t contacted you in a couple of days and hasn’t given you an indication that they need space, rather than waiting for them to come around, be the one to make contact.