Do you and your significant other argue too much? Before answering that question, you have to answer the question, “how often do couples fight in general?”
Is there a number of times you shouldn’t go over so your relationship becomes classified as toxic? Is there a number of times you must fight unless you want to be accused of suppressing your emotions or being called conflict-avoidant?
Here are some things that will help you resolve all of your dilemmas and more!
How Often Do Couples Fight? 6 Factors
Despite popular opinion, the frequency of arguments is no predictor of a relationship’s happiness and health. Of course, I’m not talking about the situation where you can’t go a day without a huge fight.
However, there are numerous issues that have to be discussed before answering the question, “how often do couples fight?” Before anything else, it’s important to keep in mind how they resolve their disagreements.
But let’s first see the factors that impact the frequency of fights.
1. How long is the relationship?
The first thing to consider is definitely the length of your relationship. According to relationship experts, the couples who fight the most have been together for between 6 months and a year. Why is that so?
Well, when you first start dating, you don’t show your true colors. I’m not saying that you’re deliberately deceiving your partner, but we all feel the need to present ourselves in a better light.
Besides, you’re in the honeymoon phase, and there are butterflies flying around in your tummy. You’ve got your rose-tinted glasses on, and even the annoying things your partner does look cute.
Even when you’re bothered by something they do, you’ll bite your tongue. You don’t want to be perceived as naggy or overly-demanding.
But when your relationship reaches a certain length, you’re both relaxed enough, and it’s safe to change. You no longer have a problem stating what’s bothering you.
At the same time, you both show your true colors. The butterflies are slowly flying away, and all of your quirks come to light.
That’s when arguments become more common. Don’t be scared – happy couples go through this phase as well.
After spending years together, you’ve seen all the red flags. And you’ve decided to live with them. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have stuck around for that long.
What is the amount of times you argue at this stage? Well, if you’re in a healthy relationship, the frequency should drop significantly.
On the other hand, if you can’t really stand each other and are together for the wrong reasons (a habit, co-parenting, finances, comfort zone), you’ve got yourself a problem. In that case, you literally can’t communicate without fighting.
2. How serious is the relationship?
Another factor that impacts the answer to the question of “how often do couples fight?” is the level of your relationship. Is it something serious? Are you married? Or are you just dating?
The answer to this one is actually pretty logical. You won’t fight with someone you don’t see a future with. At least, not that often.
Because, to be honest, why would you waste your energy? I mean, you don’t give a damn if he leaves his dirty socks under the bed if we’re talking about a casual hookup.
You have no idea when you’ll see him next, and even though this might bother you, you’ll tolerate it.
But what happens when your significant other does it? Well, you go crazy because you see yourself spending a lifetime picking up his dirty socks.
And there are a bunch of these seemingly little things even happy couples argue about.
3. Their personalities
It seems like some people enjoy arguing. They pick a fight wherever they appear, and they’re able to argue for hours and hours, even when it becomes completely pointless.
They must get their way, and they won’t give up until the other side admits that they’re right.
On the other hand, there are those who’ll do everything in their power to avoid getting into a fight. These are usually people-pleasers who don’t have trouble nodding their heads at everything the other party says just to avoid conflict.
And then there is everyone in between.
The bottom line is that we all have a different set of personality traits. We react to things that bother us differently, and we deal with disputes in various ways.
This is a major factor when it comes to the frequency of arguments and one of the main reasons why there is no universal answer to the question, “how often do couples fight?”
4. Different levels of commitment, love, and devotion
One of the worst things about romantic relationships is when one partner is all in while the other enters it half-heartedly. When one is committed and devoted while the other sees the relationship as something temporary. When one person loves more.
In that case, one of the people always feels like they’re not getting as much as they deserve. They feel emotionally neglected and taken advantage of.
When this happens, fights are inevitable and constant. The person who is giving less becomes avoidant and is usually not the one picking fights.
On the other hand, the emotionally neglected one wants justice and is the one starting arguments all the time. I mean, who could blame them?
5. Communication skills
You and your significant other’s communication skills are extremely important when it comes to the frequency of fights.
How do you usually express emotions? Are you good at speaking your mind? Do you tend to misinterpret what the other person is trying to tell you?
Are you an empath who has the ability to feel your partner’s feelings? How do you get along with communication in general, i.e., outside of your relationship?
All of these things will make a difference when it comes to fighting with your loved one.
6. Equality in a relationship
Every relationship coach will tell you that the frequency of arguments also depends on your relationship hierarchy.
There are numerous relationships where one person is afraid to speak up. In that case, there is no fighting – the dominant person makes a demand, and that demand must be fulfilled.
On the other hand, if you’re both equals and there is no submissive person who isn’t allowed to confront the dominant one, arguments will be way more frequent.
How Often Should Couples Fight?
There is no universal answer to this question. First of all, what do we consider a fight?
Is it just a huge argument, or does the term applies to short bickering? Are we talking about two extroverts who have no trouble expressing their emotions? Or maybe about two people-pleasers who never speak their minds?
Every couple has their routine. And as long as they don’t argue on a regular basis and have a way of resolving their conflicts – they’re good to go.
How Often Do Married Couples Fight?
Most married couples squabble every couple of days. But that doesn’t mean they’re at each other’s throats all the time.
Besides, it all depends on multiple factors. Sometimes, a married couple will argue a couple of times a week, and then, sometimes, they will go months without the smallest of bickering.
Is It Normal To Fight Every Week In A Relationship?
If we’re talking about huge fights, it’s definitely too frequent to argue every week. But if you’re referring to irrelevant disagreements that come and go, there is nothing wrong with that.
Is It Normal To Fight Everyday In A Relationship?
No, it is not normal for healthy couples to argue every single day.
According to clinical psychologists, fighting every day in a relationship is extremely harmful to your mental health. If this is something you can relate to, you’re in a toxic relationship, and you have two options: to work on your conflict resolution as a couple or part ways.
9 Tips For Healthy Arguments
I’ll tell you right away: you can’t avoid getting into a fight. Or, to be precise, you shouldn’t do.
However, there are some tips that can help you argue more prodcutively. Here they are:
1. Honesty is always the way to go
When you’re bothered by something, you should speak up. Happy couples fight more often than you might think, but that’s because they’re honest about everything they want to change in their relationship.
And that’s a great thing. I’m not saying you should pick fights whenever you get the chance to, but you should definitely be comfortable enough to be honest about the things you’d like to repair.
2. Respect is mandatory
No name-calling, humiliating, and insulting your partner! Remember: just because you argue with someone doesn’t mean you’re allowed to disrespect them, especially when we’re talking about your romantic partner.
Trust me, the first time you cross this line, things will forever change. If you insult each other once and you both let it slide, it will become a normal way of communicating, and that’s the last thing you want.
3. Validate each other’s feelings
You don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. Okay, that’s your point of view. But at the same time, your partner feels hurt and heartbroken.
Should you fight to decide whether they have the right to feel that way? Or are they overreacting? Is their reaction realistic?
This is not open for discussion! You must validate each other’s feelings – that’s the whole point!
4. Don’t make it personal
Remember, if you’re criticizing something your partner has done, you’re not criticizing them as a person. The same goes both ways.
I know it’s hard not to take relationship arguments personally, but please, do your best to separate the art from the artist.
This kind of approach will help you both see things more realistically, and you’ll gain the objectivity you didn’t know you had.
5. Adress the issue
Don’t replay old hits. Don’t tackle all the what-ifs, could-haves, and should-have-beens. Don’t go beating around the bush either!
Yes, this is quite challenging, especially when you’ve been together for ages, but trust me on this one.
Adress the issue that started this entire fuss. Only when you resolve this are you allowed to tackle anything else.
6. No mind games
This is not a game – it’s a relationship, and you must always be direct if you want things to work for the best.
Don’t be a child and post a social media song or a status update addressing your partner. Don’t expect them to read your mind and magically know what’s wrong.
Instead, be mature enough to start a fight if it’s necessary.
7. Learn how to listen
The art of listening carefully is crucial for healthy fighting. You can’t be the only one talking, and you must take the other person’s point of view into consideration.
Listen to what they have to say, and don’t interrupt them until they’re finished. Don’t be rude, no matter what’s going on.
8. Don’t be impulsive
Reacting in the heat of the moment is all fun and games until you have to suffer the consequences of your actions. Fighting with your partner will be much more productive if you take a deep breath or even step outside for a while before continuing.
9. Agree to disagree
Every family therapist will tell you the same thing: it’s you two against the problem, not against each other. It doesn’t matter who’s right and who’s wrong – what matters is you solve the problem.
So, please keep this in mind the next time you argue with your loved one without any solution in sight. Remember that this is not a power struggle.
Sometimes, you won’t have the same attitudes and opinions. And that’s perfectly okay.
That is why you must learn how to agree to disagree.
To Wrap Up:
Are couples who don’t fight happier? Absolutely not! In fact, in most cases, they’re like a bomb waiting to go off. And when it happens, it will blow the whole place up.
Are couples who fight every single day happier? Absolutely not! It’s a clear sign of a toxic relationship, and it’s awful for everyone’s mental health.
Do couples fight in a healthy relationship? Yes. Do couples fight in an unhealthy relationship? Yes, again.
At the end of the day, there is no answer to the question, “how often do couples fight?” It’s not like an exact number of arguments that fit you into a category of a healthy couple exists.
Other things, such as productive ways of ending a fight and respectful ways to argue, are what matter more.