From the beginning of time, male-female communication has been a mystery.
Even though guys also try hard to understand girls, the truth is that women are usually the ones wondering how to communicate with men and doing their best to see inside a man’s brain.
How to be a better communicator? How to be understood and listened to? How to communicate with a man who can’t seem to have a mature conversation?
Well, you’ve come to the right place because you’re about to get all the answers you need. Here are 16 tips on how to communicate with men.
1. Understand that men and women communicate differently
Most women are wondering how to have better communication with a guy who clearly doesn’t want to have or is not capable of having an adult conversation which surpasses everyday small talk.
At first glance, it might appear to you that your boyfriend simply doesn’t have the communication skills needed for a mature relationship.
It seems that you’re a better communicator and that he doesn’t know how to or doesn’t want to maintain healthy and effective communication.
Well, that’s actually not true. In fact, most miscommunication between couples comes from the fact that a man’s brain functions differently from a woman’s.
I’m sure you’ve already heard about the saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
It means that sometimes we’re polar opposites and have little in common when it comes to certain things.
Before anything else, you have to get one thing straight; in most cases, girls and guys think differently, behave differently and therefore, also talk differently.
Basically, you can’t expect your man to have the same communication skills and style as you.
For example, us women often talk just for the sake of talking. Yes, we build relationships through communication but there are also cases where our monologues don’t actually have a point.
On the other hand, most men think that communication without a clear purpose is absolutely pointless.
Also, they’re not as good at reading non-verbal signals as women. Men mostly have an extremely hard time figuring out body language signs.
Therefore, knowing all of this, you understand why it’s important to stop looking at things from just your point of view when you’re trying to communicate effectively with a guy.
Don’t make any assumptions and instead realize that this man standing in front of you has a different style of communication.
Get it that he probably won’t understand the things you think are implied and that you have to adapt to him in a certain way if you want to be heard.
2. Adjust your communication styles
On the other hand, even though it was already stated that men and women communicate differently, it’s also true that you can’t generalize a person based on their sex.
Not all men have the same style of communication. According to research, there are four main communication styles out there.
When someone has a passive communication style, they usually repress their emotions and even if they’re perfectly aware of them, they’re not likely to openly express them.
These people do their best to avoid drama and confrontation, which usually results in them not being honest about their feelings or opinions.
On the contrary, there is an aggressive communication style.
People who communicate in this way usually speak loudly, to the extent that it appears like they’re ordering and demanding something from the other person.
There is also the passive-aggressive communication style. This style is all about ignoring and giving the silent treatment.
Basically, these people won’t directly tell you what’s bothering them.
However, unlike passive communicators, they will make their feelings very clear through other ways, especially through body language signals.
Finally, those who have an assertive communication style will speak their mind but will always take other people’s needs into consideration.
Assertive communicators are empaths who don’t have trouble expressing themselves but don’t make the other person the bad guy even when they feel hurt by something they did.
Knowing all of this, now you see why it’s important to have compatible styles of communication with someone you’re talking to, especially if that someone is your romantic partner and the person you share your every day with.
However, the truth is that we are all different people and that it is likely that you and your man will enter your relationship with different or even opposite communication styles.
In that case, it is crucial to adapt your styles and meet halfway.
Your communication will never be healthy or productive if you have, for example, an aggressive style, while he is more of a passive person.
In this case, you’ll do all the talking, he’ll pretend that he is agreeing with everything you say but will actually be repressing everything.
Ideally, it would be great if you both could adopt assertive communication styles. This way, you’ll be able to express yourself but you’ll avoid unnecessary fights while doing so.
Nevertheless, these things take time and a lot of self-work.
In the meantime, it will be enough to try and harmonize your communication styles in a manner where you’ll both feel equal to each other.
3. Try looking at things from his perspective
Every relationship, including yours, is a two-way street. It means that both of the parties involved in it have their share of responsibilities.
Also, this means that you both have the right to speak. The right to have your opinion and feelings about a certain matter.
Therefore, if you want to reach a conclusion and have better communication, you have to learn to look at things from your partner’s point of view.
The truth is that all of us think we’re always right. After all, we wouldn’t stand behind what we believed in if we thought it was wrong, would we?
However, the truth is also that there are two sides to every coin.
So, even when you’re convinced that you’re the only right one and you want to blame your boyfriend or husband for something, take a step back and try looking at the world through his eyes.
Just for a moment, try walking a mile in his shoes. How does he see this entire situation? How does it make him feel?
Most importantly: What should you say for this man to really understand you? How should you act in order for him to get to the bottom of your words and finally for you two to reach an agreement?
4. Talk to him in person
In modern dating, everything, including communication skills, has changed. It seems that everything revolves around texting, phone calls, or social media.
When you want someone to get your message, you’ll probably post a status update or a quote dedicated to them, expecting them to understand what you’re trying to say.
Or you’ll just text them; after all, it’s much easier to write down everything that’s been bothering you than to say it face to face.
When you send someone a text message, you avoid the risk of being interrupted.
You have enough time to put your emotions into words in the best possible way, you can check everything you have written down multiple times and you can prepare your essay for days until you get the perfect form.
Also, you are safe from the possibility of your nervousness ruining everything.
The other person won’t hear your voice shaking, you won’t get tongue-tied, they won’t see your palms sweating and you won’t start crying in the middle of making a point.
This is especially the case when it comes to some ‘difficult’ talks.
You won’t chicken out when you see the other person’s reaction to your words and you won’t give up in the middle of your speech and change your mind about whatever you wanted to say.
Yes, the truth is that talking to someone over the phone or texting them appears to be easier. However, it is not the way to go in serious relationships.
Of course, you can text your boyfriend about some irrelevant things and your texts can contain small talk.
Nevertheless, when you want to address an important topic, it’s always best to talk to him in person.
First of all, this way, you’ll show your strength and determination. You’ll show him that you’re not a coward who hides behind the screen of her phone.
Besides, when you’re talking face to face, there is no running away. There is no leaving one another’s text messages on read, turning off your phone or not answering.
Never forget that the two of you are adults and you should behave accordingly.
5. Be respectful
Even when they don’t show it, all men have a fragile ego. The things they hate the most are being insulted, put down, or humiliated.
This especially applies to their masculinity. Every guy likes to feel like he is man enough for his woman and if you insult his masculinity, everything else becomes in vain.
Therefore, the number one rule of healthy communication with your boyfriend or husband is respect.
Trust me—you won’t go anywhere if you show him that you don’t respect him as a person or as your partner.
As much as you think he is wrong, there should be no such thing as name-calling.
Don’t try to ruin his self-esteem and increase his insecurities. Even when you disagree with him, don’t devalue his opinion.
Don’t question his intelligence or wit. This is especially important when you’re communicating in front of others.
Of course, respecting your man doesn’t have to include you nodding your head and agreeing with everything he has to say just not to hurt his feelings.
Becoming a better communicator doesn’t include you being a people-pleaser just to boost your guy’s ego.
In fact, you have the complete right to call him out on his actions or tell him that he is wrong. However, the key is in the way in which you do it.
6. Use positive statements
If you’re wondering how to communicate with men, the important thing is not to be negative while trying to make a point. Instead, try using positive statements while talking to your guy.
What are positive statements and how do they differ from negative ones?
Well, for example, let’s say that you want to tell your partner that you’re bothered by the amount of time you two spend together.
You feel emotionally neglected and think that he isn’t giving you enough of his attention.
Your first impulse will probably be to attack him. It’s to tell him that everyone and everything seems to be more important than you and to accuse him of not loving you enough.
This is where you would be wrong. Each one of these sentences is a negative statement and it has the potential to turn into an unnecessary fight, instead of giving you what you want.
Therefore, it’s time to change your ways of communicating. Instead of telling your partner any of the things mentioned above, try using a different approach.
For example, tell him how much you miss him and that you would enjoy spending more time with him. Propose an activity that would suit you both.
Also, tell him that you’re aware of all the good things he does for your relationship. State that you’re not criticizing him and that you’re only looking for ways to improve things between you two.
7. Choose the right place and time
When you’re trying to figure out how to communicate with men and become a better communicator, two more important aspects are the time and place of your talks.
Don’t start some important topics while you two are in a crowded place or with friends. First and foremost, you can’t hear each other properly this way, let alone have healthy communication.
Don’t do it while he’s busy and in the middle of something. This way, your man won’t be able to give you his full attention and completely focus on your discussion.
When it comes to choosing the place for your communication, make sure it’s somewhere where you both feel safe and comfortable. If you two live together, the best place is your home.
On the other hand, if you’re dating and still haven’t moved in together, try choosing a neutral place.
Don’t do the talking in your home because he might feel like you could kick him out if things get nasty and don’t do it in his either because that is his space and you’ll feel like you’re being rude for calling him out on something in his own home.
Also, both of your biorhythms are important here. Some people are cranky when they get up so you might not want to start some serious topics before having your first coffee in the morning.
On the other hand, some don’t function well at night after a long day so if you’re one of those couples, avoid discussions before bedtime.
8. Be careful about your tone of voice
Many people raise their voice trying to make a point. In most cases, we are not even aware of doing so and are convinced that our tone is completely normal.
This kind of reaction is completely natural.
You want to be heard and understood so desperately that you subconsciously start raising the tone of your voice in order for the other person to really get what you’re trying to tell them.
However, this approach will bring you more bad than good. Your partner will feel that you’re attacking him and he won’t listen to your point.
Instead, he’ll only hear you yelling at him and disregard the bottom line of what you’re trying to tell him.
Consequently, he’ll feel the need to defend himself and you two will just end up fighting, without reaching any kind of conclusion.
On the other hand, you shouldn’t be too quiet either. This way, you’ll just appear as being too scared to speak your mind and to say what you want.
Instead, do your best to find the perfect balance while choosing the right words. Be certain about what you’re saying without shouting and screaming.
Try hard to remain as calm as possible and don’t raise your tone of voice. Don’t lose your patience and don’t let this conversation turn into a yelling competition.
9. Get him to focus
Women are born multitaskers. Contrarily, this is not a quality most men possess and that is also one of the most common problems in male-female communication.
Therefore, it’s crucial for your guy to be completely concentrated on what you’re saying. If you want to have a successful conversation, you simply have to find a way to get him to focus on it.
This means that you should get rid of all possible distractions. Tell him that you want to talk to him about something important and ask for his full attention.
Make sure you maintain eye contact and that your facial expressions show your seriousness.
Don’t look away while you two are talking and don’t turn your conversation into background noise while you’re busy making lunch or doing something else.
I know that sometimes you don’t want to make a big deal about the things you want to say so you just casually mention them and expect your partner to listen to you and understand what you are trying to tell him.
However, I’ll have to burst your bubble and tell you that this is not likely to happen.
If you want him to take you seriously, you have to be sure that you have his full attention and that he is concentrating on your conversation.
10. Be concrete and direct
Here is the tough part—whenever you’re communicating with men, you have to be concrete and direct.
You have to verbalize your emotions and thoughts in detail if you want to be comprehended in the right way.
The truth which most women fail to accept is that men don’t take hints.
They don’t understand mixed signals, have zero capacity for reading between the lines and, most importantly, they’re not mind readers.
Therefore, if you expect your partner to know that he’s been doing something wrong just because it is clear and logical for you, think again.
If you expect him to realize that he’s been hurting you with a certain behavior without you pointing out his mistake, you’ll be disappointed.
If you expect him to change by you being passive-aggressive or giving him the silent treatment, trust me that you’ll be waiting for ages but nothing will happen.
If you want him to magically know how you feel and what you think, you’ll get nowhere.
All of this means just one thing—when it comes to men, there is no beating around the bush. Instead, if you expect success, explain to your guy in detail everything you want to say.
11. Reach equality
As we already said, a relationship is a two-way street.
Among other things, that also means that you’re both equal partners and that one person should never be dominant over the other when it comes to open communication and problem solving, among other things.
This is especially important when it comes to communication if you want it to be healthy. You both have the same right to speak, to have an opinion and to feel whatever you want.
So, please, make sure you don’t fall into a trap many women sadly get themselves into. Don’t act like your partner is a little child.
You’re not his mother or his teacher and you’re not there to parent him.
You’re not there to show him how to live his life or teach him anything so there is absolutely no need to use a condescending tone or any words which will make him feel inferior.
Of course, this goes both ways as well. Don’t allow him to treat you like he is above you either.
Remember that you can’t have healthy communication as long as one of you is afraid of the other in any way. I’m not talking about the possibility of actual abuse of any type here.
I’m talking about the fact that you’re, for example, scared of your boyfriend’s reaction if you tell him something he doesn’t agree with or if you avoid going against the grain just not to provoke an argument or you even think that he might leave you if you tell him something he doesn’t like.
In this scenario, you can never be honest or open with your significant other. Naturally, this brings a lot of dissatisfaction and trouble to the future.
12. Be as quick as possible
When you were told to tell your partner how you feel and what you think in detail, it doesn’t mean that your conversations should last an entire day.
In detail means being specific but it doesn’t have to include long conversations.
In fact, it has been scientifically proven that men have a shorter attention span than women.
Your partner is no exception so it is likely that he’ll lose focus after some time and that he’ll just remain physically present in the room, without actually listening to you.
Well, in order to avoid this, it’s important not to make tiring speeches. Instead, be as quick as possible and get to the point.
Cut to the chase. Don’t make long introductions and conclusions and just speak about what’s important. Instead, split this conversation into a few shorter ones.
On the other hand, if you see that he has stopped listening but you still haven’t finished or you haven’t reached a conclusion, end the conversation.
There is no point in having monologues without any feedback.
I know that you want to get the job done right away but trust me that this will have a better long-term effect on your relationship.
13. Be honest about your feelings…
The basis of every healthy relationship is open communication and the basis of all effective communication is honesty.
You can’t expect to achieve anything or to reach your goals if you lie to or deceive the person you’re talking to.
Therefore, you simply must be one hundred percent honest about your feelings and thoughts when communicating with your guy and this can’t be stressed enough.
First of all, you have to be honest with yourself. You have to have the capacity to recognize your emotions, to accept them and finally to assess them before presenting them to your significant other.
However, remember that feelings are always subjective. Therefore, you’re not the judge of any conversation.
You have the right to say how things make you feel and how certain events look from your point of view. However, this doesn’t mean that your side of the story is the only real one.
Finally, please don’t be ashamed of your emotions. They don’t make you weak and you won’t appear desperate if you acknowledge them.
Instead, being honest about your feelings and standing up for them is a sign of maturity. Being vulnerable is a sign of an incredible inner strength not many have.
14. … but don’t be a drama queen
Nevertheless, it’s crucial not to behave like a drama queen while you’re trying to argue or just communicate with your forever person.
Don’t be a spoiled brat and stop thinking that the earth revolves around you because guess what? It’s not.
In fact, don’t even talk to your partner unless you calm yourself down first. Sometimes it’s better to cool down and let time be your ally before saying or doing some things you might regret later on.
Therefore, if your partner did something that hurt you but you know that you feel too hurt now to talk to him calmly, leave this topic for tomorrow. Sleep it off and don’t react impulsively.
There is no point in making a big fuss about everything. Men don’t like arguing and will mostly react negatively to constant drama, fights and scandals.
15. Don’t be accusatory
Whether we like to admit this or not, every couple fights. Arguments and miscommunication are a part of all relationships and there don’t exist two people who never had the slightest disagreement.
Therefore, it appears that occasional fights are a part of communication. We would all want to avoid them but those are unrealistic expectations.
However, arguments don’t have to be bad for a relationship. In fact, they can actually help you on your path toward healthier communication.
You see, the most important relationship advice here is to understand this: You two are not fighting with each other, you’re fighting against the problem you’re dealing with.
At least, that’s how things should be; you two should work together toward problem solving.
Therefore, there is absolutely no point in engaging in different blame games. You’ll get nowhere if you keep on accusing each other and trying to put the blame on one person only.
Take over your share of the responsibility, be open about everything that’s been bothering you and work united toward a solution.
16. Avoid assumptions
If you’re trying to figure out how to communicate with men in the best way possible, one of the things you have to do is get rid of all possible assumptions you might have.
Don’t make conclusions on your own and don’t create different scenarios in your head, which probably have nothing to do with reality and are only based on fragments of truth.
Here is what I’m talking about; if, for example, you suspect that your boyfriend is being unfaithful, confront him about it.
Don’t spend days or weeks imagining different scenarios and reaching your own conclusion before even discussing things with him.
Yes, this example might sound too brutal but the bottom line is pretty much the same in all situations.
If you have any questions for your boyfriend or spouse, he is the only one who can give you the answers you need.