If you ask me, insecure men are a toxic version of ‘the One’. They are masters at making you feel like you’re the only girl in the world and they are masters at covering up their insecure behavior with toxic behavioral patterns.
Even though most of them would never admit it, many men have very fragile egos that can be easily broken. To be more exact, insecure men have low self-esteem and fragile ego that are trying to hide at all costs.
You might not know it but when a man is emotionally insecure, his insecure behavior impacts all aspects of his life.
Insecurity is usually triggered by past events
Something probably happened to him in the past which caused him to be this way, and with time, his insecurity became one of the biggest reasons why his relationships don’t work out.
If you really like this guy and want to help him gain confidence and change for the better, I strongly recommend unlocking his hero instinct with His Secret Obsession.
When you first meet this guy, you don’t see his true face right away.
Instead, he will probably be quiet and mysterious which will intrigue you and make you want to get to the bottom of all the layers of his personality.
Nevertheless, as time goes by, you’ll notice that this man isn’t sure about himself.
You’ll see that he is actually emotionally unavailable and that he carries a lot of emotional baggage which will become a huge burden for you before you know it.
I suppose these are the questions that are running through your head right now:
- What exactly are these hidden warning signs of insecurity in a man?
- What are the clues that can help you figure out if a man has confidence issues and if you’re dealing with an insecure partner?
- How do you deal with an insecure man?
- What are the main causes of insecurity?
Read on and find out.
Insecure Men: What Are The Signs Of Insecurity?
The biggest sign of insecurity is low self-esteem. People with low levels of confidence think badly about their skills, abilities and they might have body image insecurities as well. A negative self-image usually reflects on every aspect of their life.
If you google insecure meaning or what does insecure mean, you’ll get this answer: uncertain or anxious about oneself; not confident. However, low self-esteem is not the only sign of insecurity.
Other signs of insecurity:
- Anxious or avoidant attachment styles
- Anxiety or depression
- Job insecurity (poor job performance)
Anxious or avoidant attachment styles
When it comes to romantic relationships, insecure people have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.
In other words, they have a dysfunctional approach to relationships. Those who have an anxious attachment style tend to be emotionally dependent on their partner, they have a fear of being alone and often they have unrealistic expectations in a relationship.
They fantasize about being in a perfect relationship which is not really possible because such relationships don’t exist.
Those with an avoidant attachment style keep relationships superficial and avoid building intimate connections with their partners.
What Are The Main Causes Of Insecurity?
The main causes of insecurity are lack of self-confidence, fear of failure, and lack of trust in others. A healthy dose of insecurity is desirable but the problem arises when insecurities become constant and severe.
Low self-confidence, fear of failure, and lack of trust are influenced by many other factors from childhood or in adult life:
- A traumatic event
- The media
I would like to refer to two things from this list and that is a traumatic event and the media. If a person has experienced something traumatic such as betrayal in the past relationship, chances are they will have trust issues in the next relationship.
They will constantly be in a state of anticipating the worst. Every single person will be a threat to them (be it their partner’s friend or a colleague). This will trigger their insecurities and make them overreact.
Another main cause of insecurities (perhaps the biggest cause of insecurities generally) is the media and social networks in particular.
If you haven’t noticed so far, the media is skilfully imposing this message to you: “You need to look “perfect” or “exactly like this” if you want to find a partner or if you want others to like you.”
What does this do to you?
Well, you start thinking that you’ll never be truly happy if you don’t look like Irina Shayk or Robert Pattinson. Wait, you can look like Irina Shayk if you use the same products as she’s using, right?
Or maybe you can’t? Does this make you feel a little bit insecure? Does this force you to think of other ways that can make you feel prettier?
You can spend tons of your money on trying to reach perfection or trying to be who the media wants you to be but the more you’re doing it, the more insecure you’ll feel.
You are beautiful. You are worthy. You matter.
Insecurity doesn’t make you who you are. The truth is, we all feel insecure from time to time but not all of us are ready to stop for a moment and think about what causes it. Well, now it’s time to do that.
Understanding = overcoming.
What Are The Characteristics Of An Insecure Man?
He’ll love bomb you way too soon
One of the first signs of insecurity in a man is connected with love bombing.
When you first meet a guy like this, he will immediately start acting like you are the love of his life and the one he’s been waiting for all along.
Everything will seem perfect…
Of course, in the beginning, you’ll be more than happy that you have met this man who isn’t afraid to express his feelings after all those douchebags who were stringing you along for ages.
An emotionally insecure man declares you his undying love for you right away.
Not only that—he will also start talking about the future he has planned with you, even before you two get to know each other well.
He will immediately post pictures with you all over his social media accounts and introduce you to all of his friends, showing the world how proud he is to have you next to him.
At first glance, something like this will probably flatter you and you will be bursting with happiness about finally meeting a guy who sees your worth and obviously thinks of you as special.
After some time you’ll realize that something’s off.
Nevertheless, after you think about it, you’ll find that something is wrong with that picture and that you’re dealing with an insecure partner.
How is it possible that he already loves you and you’ve only gone out on your second date?
Don’t get me wrong—love at first sight probably exists, but even if it does, you wouldn’t be telling your date that you love them right away.
So, you can’t help but wonder what is wrong with this guy who is obviously too good to be true.
Do insecure men play games? Is he lying to you just to manipulate you and to get into your pants? Or is he so desperate for love that he is lying to himself?
Either way, something is clearly wrong. After all, you are not teenagers, and love declarations are not something a grown-ass man should play with.
He is overly jealous
Another sign of insecurity in a man is his unhealthy jealousy or possessive behavior.
Of course, we are all flattered when the guy we are dating shows a little bit of jealousy because that is a clear sign that he is afraid of losing you.
However, this guy is different, and he is literally jealous about every little thing you do. It is like he expects you to stop existing as a person just because you are in a relationship with him.
He wants you to spend all of your time with him and to put all of your focus only on him.
This guy is jealous of everything and everyone you give your attention to—your male friends and coworkers, your family, basically anyone who has any kind of contact with you.
Whenever you go out without him, he’ll ask you not to hang out with guys in general.
He will call you and text you to check up on you and see who you’re with, using the excuse that he misses you or is bored and wants to know when you’re coming home.
Controlling behavior will become a part of your daily routine.
He might even try controlling your phone and social media activity. He wants to know who you’re texting and where you’re going at all times, which is nothing more than a display of his insecure behavior.
In the beginning, this kind of behavior will make you feel special and loved, but as time goes by, you will be sick of not having your freedom.
You will be sick of him smothering you and checking your every move. After a while, all of it will start to suffocate you, and you won’t be able to help but wonder why he acts that way.
Well, it’s actually pretty simple—a man who is insecure constantly feels threatened and intimidated, and it is definitely a red flag you should pay attention to.
Insecure people don’t think they are good enough, and they live in the constant fear that you are going to break up with them and leave them for someone else.
His lack of self-confidence makes everyone around you look like his competition, and he is convinced that the only way to keep you by his side is to stick to you as hard as possible.
He compares himself with your ex boyfriend
When you’re dealing with an insecure man, he won’t only be jealous of the men who are present in your life now.
Instead, he will obsess about your past relationships too–he will want to know what happened before him and what might happen if he happens to leave your life as well.
This guy just can’t face the fact that you dated someone else before him, and that is nothing but a serious sign of insecurity.
He will constantly talk about your ex, investigate his social media profiles, and ask you about all the little things regarding your past relationship, especially in the moments when his insecurity kicks in.
Accusations will be constant.
Whenever you give him some constructive criticism about your relationship, he accuses you of wanting him to be the same as your ex.
He constantly suspects that you’re searching for this man from your past and that you’re trying to rebuild the relationship you had with your ex.
Although you are trying to convince him that you and your ex are ancient history and that you have lost contact, he won’t stop.
He is so insecure about himself, and he thinks that you will leave him and get back together with your ex.
Not only that—he will probably talk trash about all of your ex-boyfriends, simply because he is afraid that you are constantly comparing him to them and that each one of them has something he doesn’t.
Even though you are very much aware that this is all nonsense, after a while, this guy will get into your head to the point where you’ll even start feeling guilty for daring to have a life before him.
He has trust issues
Another sign of insecure men is connected with trust issues, which usually come hand in hand with insecurity issues.
The guy we are talking about has probably been hurt in the past or he didn’t get enough attention from his ex-girlfriend or maybe even as a child.
Either way, all of it caused a serious problem in his personality, left deep consequences on his mental health, and made him the insecure person he is today.
Being betrayed by his ex girlfriend in the past made this man expect the worst from everyone, including you.
He simply can’t force himself to trust you completely, due to his abandonment issues, and he lives in constant fear that you might break up with him.
Even if you show him you love him and want to be with him, he will doubt you because some girl cheated on him and broke his heart before you came along.
Of course, this lack of mutual trust makes it impossible for the two of you to build a healthy relationship, no matter what you try to do about it.
He plays mind games
Playing mind games is one of the signs of an insecure man and tools emotionally unbalanced and insecure men use to cover up their insecure behavior. And your guy is no exception.
This man has the urge to keep you under control as much as he can because he expects that to raise his low self-esteem.
He will manipulate you into doing things he wants you to do, just so he can be sure you are going to stay with him, that you are not going to hurt him, and that you won’t find someone better.
Even though he doesn’t show it at first, he doesn’t think that he is good enough for you.
Of course, he is frightened that you will walk away from him the moment you see the truth, so he is doing everything in his power to turn the tables.
In order to mask his insecurities, this man will use different tricks and manipulation techniques to make you think you are the lucky one to have him.
Without you even being aware of it, he will try to make you believe that you could never find someone better than him and that you should even be thankful for him putting up with you.
Of course, in the beginning, you don’t let him get to you, but with time, his sneaky manipulations make you believe that all of it is actually the truth.
This all happens due to this guy’s insecurities, but it is very dangerous because it can destroy your life and mental health as well if you don’t figure out what’s at stake right from the start.
His world revolves around you
When you first meet an emotionally insecure man, you are more than happy to finally have a boyfriend who puts the effort into your relationship and who prioritizes you the way he should.
You have a real man who spends his entire day texting and calling you, and you are the leading actress in his movie.
Everything is about you. He puts your needs in front of his own, and he does everything in his power to please you and make you feel perfect.
Doesn’t it sound great? Well, it does, but what happens when you want some personal space, sometimes just for yourself, and he is still there next to you, watching you like a hawk?
On the other hand, when you dare to do something he doesn’t want you to do, he gets upset because he can’t control you or he is too possessive and he thinks that no one has the right to ‘share’ you with him.
This man obviously sees you as his property, and as long as you are by his side, everything is perfect. However, when you decide to do something on your own, you have a problem.
He has very few or no friends at all
One of the warning signs of insecure men is definitely their inability to socialize and form healthy relationships with others.
Don’t get me wrong—this doesn’t mean that all introverts are emotionally insecure, but the fact is that men who have self-confidence problems are usually loners and don’t feel comfortable around people, which is one of the first signs of insecure behavior.
Maybe they’ll have one or two male friends or coworkers, but even they will get pushed away at some point.
People who don’t recognize emotional insecurity in a man will describe such a person as a shy introvert and won’t see any red flags in their behavior.
However, the truth is, they have some serious problems and insecurity issues.
They are emotionally unavailable, and if you try to date such a man, you’ll probably end up regretting it.
He needs constant validation
The last but definitely not the least important trait of insecure people is their need for constant validation. An emotionally insecure man will always seek your approval regarding all aspects of his life, and he will never be able to take any constructive criticism.
At first, you might see this as proof of his undying love for you—the fact that he values your opinion and always takes it into consideration.
However, after a while, you see that this man is not mature enough and that he needs your hand to lead him through life.
He’ll ask questions like: “Why do you like me?” or “Out of all the men in this world, why did you choose me?”
Through time, his insecurity turns into selfishness.
You want him to feel good, so you’ll compliment him and tell him how awesome he is, which will give him an ego boost to get through the day.
Maybe this doesn’t sound that bad. Maybe you’re thinking he is just a poor, insecure guy who needs help.
Okay, it may be like that. However, what happens when this becomes too smothering and exhausting?
What happens when you’re the one who needs to be encouraged, but he can’t do it because he’s even more insecure than you are?
If you try to claim your right for attention, he’ll lose it and accuse you of not caring about him now and that you never did.
Do you really want to date that kind of a man? A man who is so insecure that he becomes selfish?
How Do You Deal With An Insecure Man?
The best way to deal with an insecure man is to show support and encourage him to open up to you. You need to give him some time to improve himself. If you’re dealing with an insecure man, here’s what you need to do:
Evaluate your relationship
When it comes to dealing with insecure men, the first step is evaluating your relationship aka finding the root of your man’s insecurities. Think about whether your behavior is making him feel insecure.
Are you unconsciously making him jealous? Are you being totally honest with him? Is there something that needs to be changed in your relationship (except the fact that he needs to overcome his insecurities)?
Think about these questions and be honest with yourself. Evaluate your relationship, your personality, and your behavior. If you’re one hundred percent sure that his insecurities have nothing to do with your behavior, chances are the root of his insecurities is linked with his past.
Be supportive and understanding
Being supportive and understanding is the key to helping your guy overcome his insecurities. Avoid being judgy or forcing him to change because this will not help. Instead, it will make things even worse.
What you need to do is communicate with him and try to eliminate all his doubts and concerns. Compromise is more than welcome in this situation.
For example, if he’s feeling insecure about certain people you hang out with, then invite him to join you. Once he sees that these people aren’t really a threat, he will be less insecure and he will act less like it.
Of course, you shouldn’t fulfill his every wish if it is unreasonable. There’s no point in calling him every two minutes so that he knows what you’re doing at the moment.
Let him know the value he adds to your life
When someone is feeling insecure, they think that they aren’t worthy of being with you. That’s exactly how your man feels.
And that’s why you need to let him know the value he adds to your life. You need to remind him of the importance he has in your life.
So, what are the things he’s really good at? Do you like when he gets up before you only to make you a cup of coffee in the morning or when he helps you with your tasks? Do you like how supportive and caring he is?
If you can’t remember the last time you surprised him with those little romantic gestures, now it’s time to change that. You can make his favorite meal, buy him a cool T-shirt, play video games with him, buy him a special beer mug, you name it.
Also, don’t forget to kiss him, hug him and tell him how much he means to you because insecure people often forget that and need to be reminded of it more often.
Encourage him to open up to you about his past
The insecurity issues your boyfriend is dealing with might be due to his past experiences. What you need to do is encourage him to talk about it.
Perhaps he had toxic parents, or his ex-girlfriend (s) made him feel insecure in his past relationships and now he has issues trusting you.
The fact that he is talking about his past is progress in itself because he’s accepting that he has a problem and he’s ready to work on it. Of course, you cannot expect him to start talking about it immediately.
Usually, such people need more time to open up to you about things from their past, so patience is required.
Be as honest as possible in the relationship
You probably already know that if you lie to him (or keep lying to him), things will get even worse. His insecurities will increase and his trust issues will become severe.
Don’t EVER lie to him (even when you’re sure that he won’t find out). When you feel the urge to lie to him only to make him feel less worried, stop for a second and think about the consequences.
Even if it’s something totally trivial, he won’t be happy once he finds out that you lied to him. This will make him feel insecure about your every move in the future.
Instead of lying to him to make him feel less worried, try to explain to him that there’s no need to worry about anything and that you’re always 100% honest with him.
Building trust in a relationship requires baby steps so keep that one in mind.
Share your concerns and insecurities with him
If you want to help him open up to you about his insecurities and past, then you’ll have to share your concerns and insecurities with him. Mutual sharing and confiding in each other will strengthen your relationship.
You already know that being open and honest with each other is the basis of any healthy relationship.
You need to be comfortable with each other in order to be able to share your feelings and talk about things that make you feel vulnerable.
Encourage him to talk about the things that are going on in his mind, his insecurity triggers, and how he perceives your relationship.
Be a good listener
What does it mean to be a good listener? Does it mean only nodding at his every word or it’s something more than that?
Of course, being a good listener means being ready to listen to your guy when he has something to say to you.
It means establishing direct eye contact, focusing on the tone of his voice, observing his body language signs, and making him feel understood.
Show concern and let him know that you’re worried about his mental health. Don’t act like he needs to stop being insecure just because of you.
Of course, his insecurities are damaging both your relationship and your well-being but you need to understand that he’s the prisoner of his own mind.
Insecure people don’t act like that because they want to but because they don’t know how to get out of this confusing labyrinth.
Every single one of us loves receiving compliments, right? Compliments make us feel noticed and appreciated. Regardless if it’s a compliment on our personality or appearance, every nice word means a lot.
If you want to help your guy overcome his insecurities, then compliment him from time to time. You can compliment his hairstyle, his outfit, his skills when it comes to solving certain problems, his cooking skills, you name it.
I’m sure there are lots of things your guy is good at so focus on those things when it comes to compliments. This will boost his self-confidence and it will make him feel worthy.
It will let him know that you notice things about him and that you truly care about him. The more you compliment him, the more effort he’ll make in the future. Through time, his insecurities will vanish into thin air.
Speak to a therapist
One of my friends was in a relationship with an insecure man last year. She tried really hard to help him. She was supportive, caring and she literally went out of her way to help him overcome his insecurities. Sadly, nothing worked.
That’s when she proposed to him to talk to a therapist. At first, he was hesitant to do it but in the end, he did.
A therapist helped him open up about his past and his feelings. He taught him how to keep his insecurities under control. Today they are in a healthy relationship.
If your guy doesn’t make any progress on his own, maybe it’s time to speak to a therapist. You can also learn a lot by listening to podcasts about insecurity or talking to other people who have gone through the same.
Give him time and space to deal with his insecurities
Don’t expect him to change overnight. You and I both know that this will not happen. Instead, give him time and space to improve himself.
Try to be as patient as possible and don’t rush the process. Still, this doesn’t mean that you should keep fighting for him if you see that things are getting worse.
Without a doubt, you should try to help your guy but if you don’t see any signs of improvement after some time, you need to protect yourself. There’s no point in staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t ready to work on themselves.
The key term here is ‘working on themselves’. So, yes, every relationship has its ups and downs and/or relationship problems that are beyond fixing. Insecurities are not one of those things.
If your guy is willing to overcome it, he will succeed in doing so but if he’s not ready to do anything about it, know that you deserve much better.
16 Insecure Men Quotes
1. “People that don’t know what they are worth will always see their capture’s wings, but never their tail.” – . Shannon L. Alder
2. “Guys have a level of insecurity and vulnerability that’s exponentially bigger than you think. With the primal urge to be alpha comes extreme heartbreak. The harder we fight, the harder we fall.” – John Krasinski
3. “Man who hates cats is insecure, but a man who likes them is one worth keeping. If he can appreciate a cat, he can appreciate a strong, independent woman.” – Larissa Ione
4. “Only insecure boys will belittle a woman. The greatest way to “man-up” is to empower women.” – Steve Maraboli
5. “Most bad behavior comes from insecurity.” – Debra Winger
6. “I get insecure about a lot of things. In my line of work, unfortunately, your appearance is important, and I’m always like, ‘Am I going to the gym enough this month?’ I get insecure about things from time to time.” – Jesse Mccartney
7. “The task that we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to tolerate insecurity.” – Erich Fromm
8. “One reason why people have affairs is the need for attention. It often indicated deep insecurity and a constant need for attention.” – Unknown
9. “I’m the most insecure guy in Hollywood. If you had it good all your life, you figure it can’t ever get bad, but when you had it bad, you wonder how long a thing like this will last.” – Alan Lado
10. “A guy is only insecure about losing his girl when he knows someone else can treat her better.” – Unknown
11. “Jealousy doesn’t show how much you love someone, it shows how insecure you are.” – Unknown
12. “One of the worst things you can ever do to a woman is make them feel insecure about themselves.” – Unknown
13. “People are never more insecure than when they become obsessed with their fears at the expense of their dreams.” – Norman Cousins
14. “A lot of men these days are insecure in front of women, because women have become so strong. Men are very frustrated because they don’t know what women want.” – Pernille Fischer Christensen
15. “As a teenager I was so insecure. I was the type of guy that never fitted in because he never dared to choose. I was convinced I had absolutely no talent at all. For nothing. And that thought took away all my ambition too.” – Johnny Depp
16. “I had hit a critical period in my life, where I changed very much as a person. I consider the person I used to be, dead, and I’m glad that he is. Insecure, frightened, confused, much like a lot of people I know today.” – Peter Steele
Wrapping It Up
Be careful of insecure men because they can be very dangerous. Some of them are just insecure and they need a little push—they need your approval to get their self-esteem back.
Nevertheless, there are men whose insecurity issues turn them into dangerous people. It consumes them, and then, if you let them, they consume you.