Dear “Love of my Life”,
First of all, I want to thank you for showing me what I didn’t deserve.
I didn’t deserve those nasty words you screamed at me and the spitting in my face that I got. This only made you feel more of a man and it destroyed me completely.
I didn’t deserve degradation and being called names. You made me feel like I was nothing only so you could feel the power—the power you tasted when you made me helpless to do anything to save myself.
I didn’t deserve waking up in the middle of the night covered in sweat because I had nightmares with you playing the starring role. You weren’t there by my side to see me in agony. You didn’t care what happened to me. The only thing you cared about was satisfying your needs and your selfishness.
I didn’t deserve all those anxiety attacks every time I thought or heard of you.
I didn’t deserve the lack of love I got from you and most of all, I didn’t deserve you cheating on me.
Now, what I have to say to you is thank you.
Thank you for making me realize YOU didn’t deserve ME!
Thank you for that night of horror when you beat me to an emotional death. Only then was I able to be born again. That night was the night you gave me the courage to finally leave you. I know that you thought that everything that you had been doing to me was right but you were so wrong. You don’t treat the woman you love like shit. You don’t bring her to the edge. You don’t destroy her every wish to keep on living.
Instead, you keep her like the most valuable thing in your life. Because deep down, you know that she is a woman to love and that you were one lucky bastard to win her over. With a woman like that, you don’t play mind games nor do you do all those horrible things to her. You cherish her and you thank God every day that you have her in her life. But you didn’t do that, did you? You took advantage of her and you destroyed her life forever because even when she managed to get away from you, she wasn’t the same person anymore.
You killed that woman she used to be, and you nurtured a new one, perfect for you, just the way you liked it.
You swore that you loved her. Every time you did another horrible thing and she wanted to leave, you begged her to stay. You swore on your life that you loved her and that you wanted to help her. What a bunch of lies!
But still, there is something I cannot understand. How can a person like you dare to say ‘I love you’ to anyone? Those three words represent something you can’t comprehend. I don’t even know why you said that you loved me when you didn’t feel that. Maybe you wanted to deceive me and take advantage of me. Maybe deep down, you were a broken man who didn’t know how to love a woman, so you did all those nasty things to me. Maybe you really thought you were right, that you are doing the right thing. Maybe you are that much of a psychopath.
I was always wondering where your conscious lies. I was always wondering is it hard for you when you go to sleep? Are your mind and soul at ease? But I never got an answer to those questions. I’m not even sure you ever thought about it because everything you did to me seemed so natural to you.
You DIDN’T love me. You can’t love anyone. Maybe you just liked the idea of love, so you gave it a try and I was your ‘guinea pig’. But, let me tell you something. You failed and you failed hard.
Foolishly enough, I was the one who loved you truly but I shouldn’t have loved you at all. I was the one who was prepared to move mountains for you and all I was left with was a chunk of one of them that broke off and hit me. I was the only one trying and the only one fighting for what you called ‘eternal love’. And what did I get in the end? I got emotional scars that are never going to heal. I got memories that are never going to disappear.
I still hear the echo of your harsh words in my head. I feel them haunting me and making me shiver. I get cold for no reason and then I remember I was thinking of you. Back then, I started feeling numb every time you insulted me. I thought it was because I was getting used to it. Only now, when those words from the past haunt me, I realized I was bottling up those feelings to be able to survive. I locked what was left of me deep inside, in the hope I will find it one day soon. That was my defense mechanism and now I know what kind of horror I survived because of you. Now that I’m far away from you, I’m finally aware of how lucky I am to be able to go on living.
I finally realize how lucky I am to be getting another chance—not just for love, but for life, too. Now I realize how strong I am and this time, I promise myself I will never let anyone hurt me the way you did.
My behavior, everything that I did and what I was, was never good enough for you. To you, I was a piece of clay ready to be molded. Today, I realize I was already a masterpiece until you ruined me by trying to ‘improve’ me.
In the past, when I loved you, I thought you were the light at the end of my dark tunnel. But, you were the darkness holding me back. You were the shadow that was pulling me deeper in, every time I reached for the light to save myself. All this time you were the man who was holding me back to reach my goals and to make my dreams come true. And the saddest part was that you wanted me to believe that you were helping me rise up and all that time you were shoving me deeper into a vast nothing.
Even if I thought that you were the love of my life, you were actually my worst enemy. And truth to be told, I still don’t understand how you could do that to the woman you were living with. How could you tell me that you loved me if you didn’t mean that? I guess you were that kind of a man who actually doesn’t give a damn what people think about him. And in this case, you didn’t care what I thought of you because if you had, you would have thought first before doing it but when we were together, you always acted and then thought. But, then it was too late for forgiveness.
A person can take just enough. When you think you’ve reached your limit, you’re not there yet. When you think that you can’t take it anymore, you’re not there yet. But, when you don’t care anymore, when it’s all the same if you live or die, when the days and nights look completely the same, that’s when you’ve had enough.
You made me believe in things that are not real. You bullied me into trusting you. You told me I was impossible to live with. You told me I was crazy, that I needed help. You told me I was unlovable, but it was you who couldn’t handle me.You said that because you saw me doing things that you weren’t capable of. Just because I was stronger than you, you wanted to belittle me and gaslight me. You wanted to have control over me. You wanted to rule me and sadly, for a moment you did.You were my necessary evil: the narcissist in disguise and the man who knew how to make me feel like shit only by using words. You knew exactly where to hit. You knew exactly how to destroy me.
After years have gone by, I need to tell you just one thing.
The girl you ‘molded’ into a pitiful, meaningless NOTHING has become a woman who is a powerful and unbreakable SOMETHING.
Thank you for being a part of my life.
Thank you for making me realize I was the only one that could save me.