The words of my best friend are still ringing in my ears: When he pulls away let him go. Don’t chase him and don’t make it easy for him. All I’ll say is: Damn, she was right.
I bet every single woman in the world recognizes this annoying pattern by most men:
- Treats you like his priority.
- Showers you with affection and unique romantic gestures.
- Makes you feel like you’re the only girl in the world.
- PULLS AWAY.
Most men are masters at going from being THE (potential) ONE to disappearing into thin air. Truly, it takes great skill to win a woman and then pull away as if you’ve never been with her.
Why do men do that? Why do men pull away before they decide to commit to you? What should you do when this happens?
I’ve seen a lot of complicated questions, but these are definitely in the top 10. Don’t worry, my lady. Today, you’ll learn all you need to know about why men pull away and what to do about it, a.k.a., how to get them back (if you want to, of course).
What Does It Mean When A Guy Pulls Away
One of the biggest reasons why men pull away in the early stages of a relationship is because they feel like their freedom is in jeopardy. In other words, they start pulling away when they feel like they’re suffocating.
Why do men pull away after getting close? This happens all the time and it can be considered as an epidemic of men pulling away in the early stages of a relationship right when feelings start to kick in and things are about to become more serious.
Men pull away when they feel like you’re trying to be in control of them
Allow me to demonstrate. Let’s say that he’s no longer courting you as he used to and his romantic gestures either scream low effort or they are nonexistent.
You notice all this and it starts bothering you. You wait for him to change, but that doesn’t happen. So, you decide to take things into your own hands and push him to make more effort.
You start demanding him to spend more time with you and shower you with affection as he used to do before. Once you start doing that, he’ll feel like you’re trying to be in control of him, so he’ll pull away.
He’ll become scared of being in a relationship with a controlling partner, and because of that, he might start ghosting you.
Men pull away when they feel like they have to choose between themselves and their partners
Here’s the thing. Men are extremely sensitive about their freedom of choice. If a man starts feeling like he has to choose between himself and his partner, he’ll get scared.
He’ll start thinking the following: OMG, I’m in a serious relationship. I obviously no longer get to choose with whom I’ll spend my time because my significant other insists that we watch that romantic movie (or do something else of her choice).
Let’s say that he desires to watch football with his buddies, but you’re not allowing him to do so because you want him only for yourself.
If you don’t give a man a choice, he’ll start suffocating and he’ll pull away.
It’s true that being in a committed relationship takes work and dedication, but this doesn’t mean that partners should spend all their free time together.
Compromising is the best bet. If you know how to compromise with him, he will have enough time and space for himself and he’ll never think of pulling away again because such a relationship won’t feel like a burden to him.
Men pull away when they feel like you’re nagging them
One of the biggest reasons guys decide to pull back is when you constantly make them feel guilty for not doing something or not meeting your expectations.
It looks like this:
You: Why haven’t you washed the dishes??
You: I told you a million times to do it.
You: Why do I always have to be the one thinking of everything?
Him: Okay, I’ll do it now.
You: Do you really have to spend every Friday with your friends?
You: Why don’t you want to spend time with me? Am I boring to you or you’re no longer interested in me?
Him: I’ve never said that you’re boring or that I’m not interested. The truth is, Friday is the only day of the week I spend time with them.
By constantly nagging him, you’re sending him a message that he’s not doing anything right. So, pulling away is his way of giving you a disclaimer that you shouldn’t expect too much from him.
Men like to feel like they’re capable of making their woman happy. If you’re only focused on nagging instead of finding a peaceful way to solve your problems, he’ll start suffocating and he’ll want to get out of this type of relationship.
The more you push, the more he will pull away.
I understand this completely. When my ex was pulling away from me, I freaked out, and pushing him was a reasonable thing to do back then. Sadly, I didn’t know that the more I pushed, the more he pulled away.
The reason why I pushed him is that I was scared of losing him. When a man stops making an effort and starts acting all weird, you can’t help yourself, but overthink things.
This overthinking is what forces you to do stupid things like chasing him in hope that you will change him and make him realize that he’s making a mistake.
I’ll tell you this: If you feel the need to push him, then you know you’re not in a healthy relationship.
Pushing happens when desperation and fear enter. Suddenly, you find yourself devising the perfect plan that will make him regret even thinking of ghosting you or pulling back from you.
Sadly, you can’t lie to yourself for long. At one moment, you realize that you’re not in control of it at all. So, when he pulls away let him go.
If you send him desperate texts, you’ll push him away even more. Remember: The more you push him to be the man you expect him to be, the more he’ll pull away.
How Do You Respond When A Guy Pulls Away
When a guy pulls away, you need to stop contacting him and give him some space. By letting him go, you’ll take back your power and you’ll show him that you’re a high-value woman. This will motivate him to pursue you.
Don’t chase him, text him, or call him 24/7 until he finally decides to text you back. If you do any of that, you’ll only scare him away even more.
It’s time to take back your power
Many women forget that taking back their power is not about being forceful or making men do exactly what you tell them to. I used to think that, too, but now, I know the real truth.
Taking back your power is about realizing that you’re not in control of his actions but your own.
Stop thinking to yourself: He used to be a good man, and I know he still is, but I need to help him show me that. I need to change him because if I don’t, I’ll lose him for good.
NO, you cannot change a man if he’s not willing to change himself.
You cannot force him to act as you want him to.
You cannot lose him if you’ve never had him.
Taking back your power is about realizing that he’s the one responsible for his actions and it’s not your job to help him ‘become the man he ought to be’.
You cannot force him to send you good-night and good-morning texts every day. You cannot force him to be more romantic if this is only your idea and not his.
If a man is not ready to treat you the way you deserve, then criticizing him and forcing him to change won’t help if he himself is not ready or willing to do so.
Don’t make it easy for him
So, the worst thing you could do in this case scenario is decide to chase him or beg him to come back. Instead, make him chase you and fight for you.
Maybe, it’s not the first time this has happened to you. If it has happened multiple times so far, this is a huge red flag, and this time, you need to do the right thing (every relationship expert and dating coach would confirm that).
High-quality men like the challenge of a high-value woman.
Look at it this way. If a man decides to pull away and you immediately start running after him, he won’t see you as a high-value woman but as being desperate and perhaps needy.
He will know how much you want him and need him in your life, even though he’s retreating and giving you nightmares at the moment.
If you let him know that he can pull back any time he wants and you’ll end up chasing him every single time he does that, he will lose respect for you.
Don’t make it easy for him. Instead of running after him, wait for him to come back to you on his own. Show him that you’re a challenge, and if he wants to be with you, he has to be ready to win you again.
Show him that you’re a high-value woman who doesn’t run after those who decide to pull back because you have your own life and exciting things going on.
You don’t have time to focus on those who are not willing to be a part of your life and who are not ready to commit to you to the fullest.
Once he realizes all that, he’ll come back to you in record time (assuming he still has feelings for you).
When He Pulls Away Let Him Go
What do you do when he pulls away? Should you enter the begging mode and try hard to catch his attention? Or, should you act like you don’t care?
When he pulls back, here’s exactly what you need to do:
Don’t freak out
First and foremost, don’t allow his instantaneous decision to pull back shock you. I know this doesn’t sound comforting at all, but men do that all the time.
Sometimes, they themselves don’t know why they’re doing it, but they’re still doing it. So, don’t freak out. Don’t start overthinking: Is he pulling away or initiating a breakup? How will I survive another heartbreak?
I understand that being on the receiving end of someone who is pulling back leaves you feeling scared and insecure, but you’re stronger than that.
If he pulls away, let him go. Don’t freak out immediately, and don’t see it as a big deal. Why? Because you can still be in control of it, at least indirectly.
No, you cannot control what happens in his mind, but you can send him certain messages, such as: If you pull back, I won’t chase you because I don’t have time for that.
By not doing anything, you can do A LOT. We often forget the power of indirect messages. The truth is, you don’t need to lift a finger in order to let him know how you’re feeling about this whole situation.
All you need to do is NOTHING and you’ll achieve the desired effect. Sounds too good (and easy) to be true? Well, I dare you to try and see for yourself.
Take some time to understand what’s really going on with him
Instead of immediately running after him, decide to take some time to understand what exactly is going on in his head.
Observe this situation from his point of view and you’ll learn so many things about you, him, and your relationship (or whatever-ship you were/are in).
There are a number of reasons why a guy would suddenly pull away, and if you want to know what exactly happened, you need to reflect on both your and his behavior as well as your relationship in general.
Did he have problems opening up to you? Were you too pushy? Is he the type of guy who cannot make up his mind? Does he have an anxious attachment style?
There are so many questions you can ask yourself that will help you make an analysis of his behavior. If you were in a long-term relationship, it’s important to learn what can be improved, so that you can make it work in the future.
How Do You Get High Value When He Pulls Away?
If you want to get him back, you need to remain a high-value woman and you’ll do that by letting him go, focusing primarily on yourself, and realizing that you don’t need a man to make you feel complete.
When a guy pulls away, it’s normal for you to desperately try to figure out why all this is happening and what you have done wrong. But, if you want him back, you shouldn’t do that.
DON’T chase him
When he pulls away let him go. Chasing him in this situation is the last thing you should do. A lot of people have made this mistake and realized that by chasing, they made things even worse.
Instead of chasing him, make him chase YOU.
Yes, girl! I’ll share something really valuable with you, so I want you to read it carefully. When men decide to pull back, they always SECRETLY hope that you will run after them. Why?
Because they want to feel wanted. They also want to be in control of the situation, and him pulling back puts him in a dominant position whereas you chasing him puts you in a subordinate position.
By not chasing him, you will let him know that he’s not in control. He will desire to know why you aren’t trying to stop him and make him change his mind.
In a way, he will feel annoyed by the fact that HE has no idea what is going on in your head.
He will start thinking: Why isn’t she trying to stop me from retreating? Has she ever cared about me at all? Has she met someone else and she’s no longer interested in me?
If you let him go, he will ask himself these and plenty of other questions. If you don’t let him go (read: if you start chasing him), he will not ask himself any questions, but he will think only this: She still wants me, even though I’m probably not worthy of being with her at all.
So, how does a man behave when he knows that a woman is still interested in him NO MATTER WHAT he does?
He does whatever the hell he wants because he thinks that you will never stop chasing him regardless of what he says or does.
He takes you for granted. He loses appreciation and respect for you. He starts seeing you as a woman who has no standards.
So, how does a man behave when he thinks that a woman has no standards?
He feels free to break all the rules and still come back to you when it’s convenient for him without worrying about you not accepting him back.
Do yourself a favor and don’t chase him.
Do your own thing, girl, because once you stop chasing him, he’ll come after you. Once you show him that you’re a confident, strong woman, he’ll be more than willing to do everything in his power to be a part of your life again.
Focus on YOU
A lot of times, you’ll feel the urge to initiate contact, text him, or ask his friends about him. Don’t do that.
- Don’t stalk him on social media.
- Don’t stalk him in real life.
- Don’t try to catch his attention.
- Don’t blame yourself.
Instead, live your own life. When he pulls away let him go and focus on yourself.
- Boost your self-esteem.
- Put your happiness in first place.
- Discover your self-worth.
- Find new hobbies.
- Distract yourself.
- Focus on achieving your goals.
Realize that you don’t need a man to make you happy
I used to think that the only thing that can make you truly happy in life is being with someone who genuinely cares for you and loves you. I’ve spent so much time (read: wasted) on waiting for the One who will be the missing piece of the puzzle called happiness.
Now, I can say proudly and loudly: No, you don’t need a man to make you happy. You don’t need a man to complete you.
You are perfectly capable of doing it yourself. Yes, you can make yourself happy. You can spoil yourself and treat yourself the way you deserve. Heck, you can even date yourself!
As a matter of fact, you should date yourself before dating anyone else. You should fall in love with yourself first before loving someone else.
When you realize that you don’t need a man to introduce you to the concept of happiness, you will stop chasing him.
It’s okay if you miss him and if you want him to come back to you and be the old him. Still, this doesn’t mean that you should do everything in your power to get his attention and “bring him back home”.
Here’s the secret to happy dating and relationships: You should never NEED a man, but WANT him.
Think like this: I want to be with you not because I need you, but because I want to. Having a man in your life shouldn’t be something that your entire life revolves around.
You can be perfectly happy on your own. Once he realizes that, he will come back to you.
Will A Man Come Back After He Pulls Away?
When a man pulls away, chances are high that he’ll come back to you once he starts to miss you. He will come back to you ONLY if you don’t chase him because it will make him see that you’re a strong, confident, and high-value woman.
When you’re in love with someone, moving toward them seems like the only logical thing to do. You crave their presence more than the air that you’re breathing, and there’s nothing weird about that.
Sending just one text or hearing their voice even for a second would mean the world to you. But, guess what? If you do that, you will not succeed in restoring his pursuit for you.
When he pulls away let him go and give him some space. That is how you’ll get him back on track (motivate him to pursue you).
Allow your relationship to foster and heal
One of the biggest mistakes many couples make is thinking that constantly spending time together is good for their relationship. It actually isn’t (especially when you have some underlying issues that need to be addressed).
Relationships are like a body. Imagine that you’re running a marathon for some time now and you’re feeling exhausted, but you’re still running. Will you be able to run forever? Of course not.
Eventually, you will have to stop to rest and heal from the exhausting race, so that you can participate again. The same thing can be applied to relationship dynamics.
Everything in life, including relationships, requires refreshment and proper rest. Of course, you cannot be physically tired from your partner (even though it’s not completely excluded), but from time to time, couples need ‘an emotional rest’ from each other.
This will help you commit in a healthy way again and strengthen your bond. Allowing your relationship to foster and heal is one of the most important things because you can’t continue giving yourself until you recharge.
This will help you establish a natural flow in your relationship.
This natural flow is supposed to feel like breathing. If your man pulls away and he feels like he’s suffocating, know that this is your relationship trying to tell you that you need to take a break and allow it to regain its natural flow.
Give him the opportunity to miss you
I often say that the biggest curse of humanity is the fact that we don’t know what we have until it’s gone. It’s in our nature to take things for granted. If we don’t remind ourselves to be grateful for what we have, we’ll easily forget how valuable that is to us.
This happens every day, every second. Literally, right now, someone is taking their partner for granted because they’ve spent too much time together and there’s no initial excitement since the beginning of their relationship.
If you want him to miss you and come back to you, you will have to give him space to do that.
Imagine that if you continue texting him, calling him, or doing anything else related to chasing him, what do you think would happen? I know what would happen. He wouldn’t be able to miss you AT ALL because you’re still there.
I remember when one of my friends asked me: When does a man start to miss a woman? I didn’t think much about this question, so I told her straight away: When you give him something to miss.
The truth is, men fall in love in your absence and not in your presence. You could go out of your way to please him 24/7, but this will not make him come back to you or motivate him to pursue you.
Every man needs some time to process his feelings, so that he knows what exactly is going on with him. When he’s finally alone, he’ll be able to reflect on his feelings for you and your relationship.
When a man pulls away, let him go. Right then, he will realize how much you mean to him, and he will not want to lose you. That’s exactly what you need to do!
By giving him the opportunity to miss you, you’ll make him realize what he could lose if he doesn’t pursue you.
Also, he might think that you have already met a new guy, and that’s why you have no time to chase him. He will be motivated to prove to you that he’s better than any other man and that he’s capable of making you happy.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
This probably sounds like a cliché, but it’s totally true. If you ask me, absence is a more important aspect than presence in relationships. Why?
Because absence helps you raise the attraction the other person feels for you. So, will he come back to you if you let him go? Hell, yes.
He will come back because he will see how strong and confident you are, and these attractive qualities will raise his attraction for you.
He will be impressed by your bold move and he will start missing your touch, your voice, your weird habits, and so on. The thing is, when guys decide to pull away, they always think and expect that you will chase them.
If you don’t do that, they will be confused. This confusion is what will motivate them to start questioning things, along with your affection for them.
He will feel exactly like this:
What happened to this woman? I thought she likes/loves me. Why isn’t she running after me? Wait, she isn’t desperate. She’s a strong and confident woman who doesn’t waste her time on those who are not willing to stay. Damn, I have to win this woman again.
When a man feels determined to court a woman and wins her heart again, there’s nothing in the world that could stop him from doing so. But, when a man feels suffocated, there’s nothing in the world that could stop him from running.
Yup, that’s how a male’s brain works. Once he starts suffocating, it’s your female holy duty to let him go and make him realize what he had.
Take Your Time
Once you let him go, don’t check your phone all the time, and don’t expect him to get back to you the same day, tomorrow, or after a few days. Truth be told, some men come back after a day or two, but such men are in the minority.
Sometimes, it can take weeks, months, and I daresay even years for a man to realize what he had and decide to pursue you.
No, it will not be easy when you let him go. You will go through lots of overthinking episodes, and sometimes you will feel like giving up and reaching out to him.
Promise me one thing. No matter how difficult it is for you to endure this “let him go” stage, DON’T do anything. Take your time, distract yourself, and wait (but don’t wait forever).
Some men need more time to come to their senses and realize what it is that they want. Other men need less time to figure out if they want to pursue you.
By taking your time, you might motivate him to react faster, so there’s no need to rush. By taking your time, you will also get an answer to the following question: How do you know if he’s the one for you?
By giving him space, you’ll know if he’s the right man for you. If he comes back, he’s the right one for you. If he doesn’t, he isn’t. (Trust your gut feeling ).
Remember: You got nothing to lose
When he pulls away let him go, and remember that you got nothing to lose. If this man was ghosting you for good, you will be happy for not reacting intensely to his decision to pull away from you. You will save lots of time and nerves.
If this man just needed some time to think about everything and sort his feelings out, you will send him a great message, and that is: If he ever does this again, he will know that you will not chase him.
You’ll show him how mature and confident you are. Also, you will allow your relationship to heal and establish its natural flow, which is a basis for every healthy relationship.