There are a number of reasons why guys go cold after a break-up and the sad truth is that half of those reasons are provoked by your post-break-up behavior and the other half have nothing to do with you but with his male mindset.
It sounds harsh, I know, but in my humble opinion, it’s always better to tell the truth than to sugarcoat it and live in ignorance.
It’s evident that guys deal with break-ups differently. They have the totally opposite way of thinking and perceiving things, especially past relationships.
That’s why their somewhat odd method of dealing with a messy situation is avoiding it altogether. And we all know that there are no messier situations than break-ups.
So it’s no wonder they go cold after a break-up. But there’s one more reason besides his male psychology and that’s female behavior after a break-up.
Stop for a moment and be honest with yourself—was there something about your behavior that made your ex-boyfriend pull away?
Or was it something in your relationship that indicated you two can’t function together?
First of all, it’s important to know break-ups are never easy and always complicated. There is always one side who thinks it shouldn’t have ended.
There is always one side who is more hurt and looking for some kind of closure.
It’s exactly our pursuit of closure and healing after a heartbreak that makes our ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend go cold after a break-up.
We want answers they can’t or won’t give. So we call, text, ask time and time again.
Well, that’s just one small reason why guys go cold after a break-up and there are 14 more you should look into to determine which applies to your situation.
1. For him, things ended before the actual break-up occurred
The break-up wasn’t an instinctive decision the dumper (your ex) made.
He had been sitting on that decision for weeks or months before he finally gathered up the courage to talk to you.
While for the dumpee (you), this came as a shock and you never saw it coming, he was well-prepared for the whole situation and clear on his reasons for breaking up.
There came a point in your relationship in which he started to cool off and lost feelings for you.
That doesn’t mean you did something that caused the break-up, it just means that he realized that you were not right for each other long before you even had time to process what was happening in the first place.
Why did he detach from you after it all ended? Well, if you didn’t lose feelings for each other and mutually agreed on parting ways, it’s almost impossible to stay friends after a break-up.
2. He is making things easier on himself by not confronting you
It’s easier for guys to cut off all communication completely than to talk about their feelings.
They avoid every type of communication that makes them feel uncomfortable and talking about why the break-up happened.
Deep conversations on how you feel, how he feels or anything relationship-related fall into that category.
It’s the behavior of a 13-year old boy I know but some men tend to avoid awkward and painful situations at all costs.
Also, he probably had experience with that sort of communication while ending his previous relationships and he doesn’t want to be a part of that scenario again.
It’s not that he doesn’t care how you feel but he is aware that there is no conversation you two can have that will make either of you feel better.
There is nothing to say that will make all the wrongs right and in the male mind, it’s easier to say nothing at all.
3. He didn’t go cold after the break-up, he was always cold
There are men out there who are simply deprived of empathy. They don’t have a compassionate bone in their body and they are unable to realize how their actions affect others.
It’s a pretty common trait of a narcissist too.
If you were in a relationship with someone like that, don’t be surprised with him going cold after the relationship ended. He was cold all throughout the relationship.
The fact that he caused you pain doesn’t make him feel remorse. In his mind, with the relationship ending, he is ending all ties with you and that’s that.
With all that said, there is one question you have to ask yourself: “Aren’t you better off without someone like him?”
4. He doesn’t believe in staying friends after the break-up
When the relationship ends, we don’t only lose our boyfriend, we lose our best friend too and we want to stay in touch.
Sadly, in most cases, friendship after a romantic relationship is impossible, unless the break-up was mutual and you realized you were better off as friends than as a couple.
But that hardly ever happens.
In most cases, one side cooled off while the other was still very much interested and in love.
In that scenario, it’s impossible to maintain a friendship without hurting the person who still has feelings.
5. You are clingy and he knows it
You know it too. Be brutally honest with yourself—do you fit the definition of a clingy girlfriend? Were you a bit possessive at times?
Did you want constant communication when he was not with you?
Have you dedicated your life to exploring his patterns of behavior while putting your life on hold?
Did you cause drama every time he wanted to spend time with his friends than with you? Were you suspicious or jealous?
That’s just scratching the surface but that means you were a clingy girlfriend.
That kind of behavior makes a man lose interest very soon and if he used to put up with it while you were in a relationship, there is no reason to do it after it all ended.
That might be hard to hear but it doesn’t make it any less true. Work on yourself for yourself. Build up your self-esteem.
Make a life for yourself and never do anything that jeopardizes your inner peace and happiness once you enter a new relationship someday.
The best thing you can do regarding your ex is nothing at all; stop texting, don’t make phone calls, delete him on social media and slowly start accepting that things ended and you need to heal.
You need to move on and prepare yourself for a new relationship in which your clinginess will be a distant memory.
6. He is working on his new single life
Some men look at break-ups like an opportunity to start again.
It doesn’t mean they have it easy and that they suddenly stop caring for you all of a sudden, it only means they are trying to cope with the new situation.
They are well aware that they can’t get over you if you are still a part of their life, that’s why they go no contact.
Maybe it isn’t a lack of love for one another that draws you apart but a lack of compatibility.
If your relationship was an on-again, off-again thing, it’s probable that your ex decided it was off for good.
Some people simply can’t function together, in spite of their best efforts and feelings.
As for him going cold? You can’t be friends with someone you still care for.
He figured it was better not to hear from you or see you and move on with his life. Maybe you should follow his lead and move on with your life without him.
7. He is enjoying his newfound freedom
If a lack of space was one of the most mentioned sentences your ex-boyfriend used, the odds are he felt a bit suffocated by your relationship and he is learning how to be single again.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that he went out chasing other women; he might be gaming all day long or spending time with his friends.
Some men break things off because they are still not ready for a relationship.
Others because they lack freedom and they feel like the relationship is trapping them.
So ask yourself if you wanted to know every step your partner made. Did you need a lot of attention and reassurance?
Did you continue to demand the same after the break-up? If your answers are yes, then it’s no wonder your ex disappeared from your life.
8. He has a new girlfriend
One of the most obvious answers to: ‘Why do guys go cold after a break-up?’ is ‘Because they are already seeing someone else’.
If a man is jumping ships so quickly, he will make sure to cut off all ties he has with you.
And no, you shouldn’t ask him if he is seeing someone else because he will either deny it or ignore your question.
You will know soon enough because it will all come out in the open soon enough.
If it turns out that a new girl is the reason for your break-up, you will at least know he is definitely not the one for you and you haven’t lost much by losing him.
9. He is consumed with guilt
Your ex might be consumed with guilt and there are two possible reasons why he feels guilty.
He either feels bad because he knows you are in pain and hates the fact that he was the one who caused it.
Or if he cheated on you or started a new relationship with some other woman while he was with you, it’s no wonder he can’t have a face-to-face conversation with you.
He knows what he has done is wrong and it’s easier this way.
10. He is over you
Somewhere down the line, he simply stopped having strong feelings for you. It’s difficult to accept that but sometimes people fall out of love and there is nothing you can do about it.
There is no advice, method or a secret spell that can help you get your ex back if this happens. If he is over you, there is nothing you can do to change his mind.
It’s not your fault this happened and it’s not him either; when two people are not meant for each other, the ending is inevitable.
If your feelings are strong, you will have a hard time accepting he doesn’t feel the same way about you.
But keep in mind that you need someone who loves you just as much as you love him and would never think of letting you go.
So don’t pine for the wrong person, wait for the right one.
11. He is dealing with issues unrelated to you
Every time our ex doesn’t take our phone call or respond to one of our text messages, we think it’s something we said or did that’s making him ignore us.
What you, me and my other readers have to understand is that our ex is under no obligation to keep in touch with us after it’s all over.
Secondly, the world of our ex-boyfriend doesn’t revolve around us.
He might be having problems and personal matters he has to resolve and ghosts from relationship past are adding additional baggage.
If this is the case, he will reach out in a couple of days, or it might last weeks or even months before he apologizes.
He will then explain why it all had to go down like that. If he doesn’t, he had no real problems except his rude behavior.
12. In the case of a long-distance relationship…
Relationships can be hard in general and long-distance relationships are a challenge in itself.
The most common cause for a long-distance relationship breaking up is the distance itself.
When it gets hard to remember the last time someone kissed you or held you close, things start to break.
A lack of physical contact and face to face conversation makes every day a struggle when it’s all supposed to flow easily.
Once things end it’s easy for both sides but usually for guys to go cold after the break-up.
There is no chance you will bump into them on the street or at a party of mutual friends.
All they have to do is ignore, block or unfriend you to make the coldness more evident.
When this happens, the chances are your long-distance guy decided to end things for good and that’s why he vanished from your life altogether,
13. He worries that you’ll misinterpret his behavior
If you still have feelings for your ex-boyfriend and he knows it, he probably went cold to save you from additional pain.
He is worried that you might misinterpret his sweet words and concerns as signs that he wants you guys to patch things up and get back together.
In any case, as painful as it might be for you not to hear from your ex, he’s probably doing you a favor by not staying in touch.
He isn’t feeding you with false hopes that you will get back together.
14. Him turning cold after the break-up is just his way of finalizing it
Guys deal with break-ups differently and have a whole different way of thinking.
That’s why them going cold is probably confirmation that things between you are over for good.
Trying to see things better than they actually are is a self-defense mechanism a lot of people use while surviving a painful break-up.
That’s why we wonder, “Why do guys go cold after a break-up?” when there is actually no reason for them to stay in touch when the relationship ends.
Staying friends after a romance is something that only people who lost feelings for each other a long time before the official end of the relationship can pull off.
In every other situation, one side (the dumpee) hopes to get back together with the other side (the dumper) which never ends well for anyone.
What to do when a guy goes cold after a break-up?
I know that your initial instinct when a man ignores you is to go after him even harder.
It’s just something every human being is born to do. We are always more interested in the things we can’t have.
The good news is that men are wired the same way. They go after what’s slipping through their fingers.
So if you want to get your ex back or just make him talk to you again, don’t chase after him—ignore him to get his attention.
Spin the situation to suit you. If he is used to you being available all the time, texting for a second time when he doesn’t answer the first time and doing the impossible for him to notice you, just stop.
He will notice your absence better than anything else.
It’s not about playing games and tricking him, it’s about knowing male psychology.
If you push them too hard, if you go after them and try to force anything with them, they will pull away.
If you start focusing on yourself and your life and disappear from his phone and inbox, he will spend the next day wondering, “What happened? Did she lose interest?”
There is one golden rule every woman should follow when experiencing a break-up-caused heartache and it’s well known and highly effective: The No Contact Rule.
No contact means no contact whatsoever, not even happy birthday or a random goodnight text, no asking around among mutual friends, no browsing through his social media accounts, etc.
The effect that the no contact rule has on male psychology is truly remarkable.
If there is anything that can shake your boyfriend up and make him think, “God, how could I ever let this girl go?” it’s the no contact rule.
A lot of times, people wonder if the same methods can be used on their ex-husbands and while those situations are a lil more complicated, the answer is still yes.
No matter whether it’s a 10-year relationship, a marriage or a few months, the same rules apply.
The great thing about the no contact rule is that it serves both as a break-up recovery method and as a means of getting your ex back so it’s a win-win deal you have to take.
Distance yourself from your ex and that whole situation. Let them come to you if they ever have an epiphany and realize everything they lost when they let you go.
Trust me, if his heart is in the right place, he will call, text and come after you with everything he’s got.
But if his heart is not set on you, there is nothing you can do to change his mind.
If that’s the case, if things are truly over, you have to find a way to accept that and move on.
The sooner you do that, no matter how hard it gets, the sooner you’ll heal.
There’s nothing worse than deluding yourself and holding on to something that will never be.
Take a long and deep look into yourself and ask yourself, “Do I deserve better than my ex?” I am sure your answer will be yes.
Recognize your own worth and dare to ask for more than your ex was giving you.
Because if you look at your past relationship from a distance, you will see that there were many more bad things than there were good.
You will see that he isn’t the right fit for you as you thought all along.
Maybe there is someone much more suited for you but by holding on to your past situation so firmly, you are missing out on all the great things ahead. You are missing on a good guy while focusing on the wrong guy.
So don’t do that to yourself and stop asking, “Why do guys go cold after a break-up?” and start asking, “How can I make my life warmer, better and happier?”, ” How can I attract a good guy into my life instead of obsessing about the wrong one?”
