“Why does nobody want to date me?”
It’s not uncommon to hear this from a troubled 15- year-old high school student who’s still learning how to make their way through life and relationships. At that age, everyone knows a limited number of people they could date, and every single one of them is confused, so not being able to find someone is nothing out of the ordinary.
However, when you’re an adult who’s asking the same question, you’re not in the same situation. You know how dating works, and you know people outside of your immediate environment. If everyone around you is pairing off and starting their lives with a significant other, you might be feeling hopeless.
Do you wonder what it is about you that’s so unattractive that no one wants you? Rest assured that your lack of a romantic partner has nothing to do with your attractiveness. It’s all related to your feelings and behavior, which you can start to work on and change as soon as you realize what exactly is going on.
Once you figure out the real reason, you can start dealing with it and open the door to invite in someone you can share your life with.
Why Does Nobody Want To Date Me? What’s Wrong With Me?
I’m sure you’ve seen someone who’s less attractive, less intelligent, less interesting than you, someone unkind or ill-natured, and they had a partner in their life who loved them. If you thought, “Why does nobody want to date me when this objectively horrible person has someone?” The simple and only answer is that they’re still a person, and everyone deserves love.
“So how come no one wants to date me ?” you might ask, and the answer is because you’re not letting anyone love you . The only reason that mean person is married and you’re not even dating is because they let someone in. Let’s look at all the reasons you’re depriving yourself of love and find out how to let go and invite it into your life.
1. You believe you’re not worthy of love
First of all, you must believe that you are worthy of love . Not because you’re special, not because you’re you, or any other platitude. The real reason is because you are a human being, and without fail, everyone is worthy of love.
There are plenty of reasons you might believe you don’t deserve love – the way you were raised, your life experience, even if someone said so to you. Getting rid of these damaging beliefs might be very difficult.
Therapy can help, but therapy isn’t magic. You still need to do the work necessary to restore your self-esteem or build it from the ground up if you never had any in the first place .
There’s a voice deep in your subconscious telling you things like, “no one will ever love you,” “why would someone pick you over anyone else,” “you’re unattractive,” “you’re useless,” and a number of other damaging examples of negative self-talk.
You know deep down that the voice telling you these things is wrong, yet you still believe it. Your journey towards healthy self-worth and confidence needs to start with you making a decision to deal with it once and for all.
Prioritize yourself and your mental health. Even if you feel like loving yourself is arrogant, unearned, and delusional, push through because those thoughts are just a product of years of hurt you’ve been exposed to attacking you. Fight back by loving yourself. Acknowledge that you’re a person, and you deserve to be loved.
2. You don’t show vulnerability
This is often related to the belief that you’re unworthy of love. You’re ashamed of yourself in some way, and you play it cool to avoid showing something about yourself that you don’t want other people to see.
Your insecurities are preventing you from opening up and showing your true self because you’re afraid that people will think you’re pathetic, ridiculous, shameful, or whatever else your inner voice is telling you.
You might think you’re acting naturally, but are you? Sometimes people put up a wall of sarcasm, or they’re the funny one, or the bubbly one, or another persona they adopt to hide their vulnerable selves.
You might even say that you’re not really interested in meeting anyone so that people won’t pity you because you’re single when in reality, there’s nothing you’d like better. You might hide behind being busy, self-sufficient, or uninterested because you’re afraid to show yourself.
People pick up on these vibes and feel intimidated. You project an image of disinterest, and people feel like they would be rejected if they approached you, so they don’t even try. You need to deal with this first by accepting yourself.
You must deal with your pain, your shame, and your fragility. Only when you acknowledge the things you hide and accept them fully can you start opening up and showing people who you are.
Sometimes you fail. Sometimes you succeed. Sometimes you cry. You don’t have to be perfect all the time. In fact, only when you‘re not will people be able to feel close to you.
3. You’re needy
If hiding vulnerability makes people intimidated, being too needy makes people feel repulsed. What’s the difference between being vulnerable and being needy ?
Showing vulnerability is a positive quality that lies between hiding and being needy. Vulnerability is a good thing. It’s desirable because it shows your true heart. Neediness shows your heart but makes demands and asks for others to deal with it , which is off-putting.
Being needy puts responsibility for your feelings on others, and this immediately makes them not want to have anything to do with you. When you’re looking for a partner, neediness can make you seem different from the loving person you are – someone who is too much responsibility.
How can you be vulnerable without being needy ? First of all, you must learn to meet your own needs and not expect others to do so. When you don’t depend on anyone to give you what you need, you’re not putting pressure on them.
For example, telling your friend that you have a problem and want to talk to them about it is you being vulnerable. Getting mad at them because they’re too busy to meet with you today is needy .
In this case, you need to understand that your friend has their own issues too. They’re prioritizing themselves, which you should do too. You have to learn to handle your own issues and be grateful if you‘re offered help instead of demanding it. This is how you stop being needy .
4. You’re not actually looking
Be honest with yourself – are you actually looking for someone to date? The perfect person won’t just show up at your door one day, ready to take you out. Are you putting yourself out there and meeting people who could be a good match for you?
Do you pretend you don’t want anyone at all because you think you won’t find someone, so you’ve given up?
If this is why you can’t find anyone, then the solution is easy. Find some way to actually find and connect with someone. Some people are successful with online dating and social media , while others prefer meeting people through friends and acquaintances.
Make a profile on a dating site if you think that would work for you, but be smart about creating it. Your profile should make it clear what you’re looking for. Try to be as honest as possible about who you are so that your profile appears interesting to someone who is looking for a person like you.
To find someone more directly, let everyone know that you’re looking: your friends, family, and colleagues. Some of them definitely already have someone in mind for you but were reluctant to mention it because you claim you’re not looking. Put your trust in them and give it a chance.
The worst that can happen is that you don’t like whoever they set you up with, and then you just move on.
5. You self-sabotage
Why does no one want to date you? Because you might be doing things to discourage them when they show interest. “This can’t be real,” you must be thinking. “Why would I push people away when I want to find someone?”
This is related to the first point above: lack of self-worth . Sometimes when people feel like they don’t deserve something, they can’t accept it when it’s given to them. When this happens, they do everything they can for it to be taken away.
Self-sabotage is often characterized by self-destructive behavior. People self-sabotage by doing things that stop them from getting something that would be good for them, yet they’re afraid of it. For example, someone might fail at work on purpose to prevent a possible promotion that would give them responsibilities they’re afraid of.
When it comes to dating, you might be subconsciously looking for ways to discourage someone who’s interested in you because you don’t want that person in particular or you’re afraid of a relationship . Maybe you give them a hard time or show a side of you that’s unattractive on purpose so things never go past the first date .
A better approach is to be honest if you’re not interested in someone. If you’re self-sabotaging out of fear, working on your sense of self-worth will be helpful.
6. You want people who don’t want you
It’s not that nobody wants to date you. It’s that you want specific people, and it turns out that they’re not interested. This isn’t the end of the world. It has nothing to do with how good looking or interesting you are. It’s okay that not everyone you like likes you back, only one person.
Why, then, can’t that one person you like be into you as well? Unfortunately, we don’t choose who we like, but the good news is that it’s possible to move on, keep looking, and find someone else if that one person doesn’t like us.
Being stuck with a crush might also be a sign that one of the points above might be an issue. If you always choose people who don’t want you back, it might signify self-sabotage. Picking the type of person who won’t like you back is a sure way of not getting into a relationship.
The problem might also be that you’re looking for love in the wrong places. Some people are lucky to enter a healthy relationship with someone they’ve met on a dating app , but very often, people you meet on Tinder are only interested in hookups and not dating.
This is why it might seem like nobody wants to date you when, in fact, the person you’ve met is only looking for single women or men for casual encounters and aren’t there because they want to date the person they meet.
7. You’re afraid of getting hurt
Fear of getting hurt is reasonable, but when it becomes paralyzing, it might be time to take a step back and choose a little trust and faith in others. A lot of people are genuine and are just looking for a happy relationship.
This fear can stem from trauma – if your parents’ relationship or other relationships you were around growing up were unhealthy. Perhaps you were burned in a past relationship , and now you can’t move past it. Even people who were never in any kind of relationship can be terrified of what would happen if their partner betrayed and hurt them.
One of the ways the fear of getting hurt can be the very thing that hurts you is when it leads to avoiding people who might be interested in you altogether and isolating yourself. Pulling back and taking yourself out of the game seems like the only way to protect yourself, but it backfires.
Don’t let yourself regret the things you didn’t do. Accept that a little pain is inevitable. Even the happiest relationships can end painfully, and there are no guarantees. You must get yourself out there and choose to enter a new relationship , and it will come to you.
8. You feel pressured to find a partner
If your dating life, or lack thereof, is a constant topic among your family and friends, you’re probably sick of it. Being pushed to find love when it’s not happening gives you a sense of shame and can lead you to despair.
This incessant pressure can make you feel like something is wrong with you for not being able to find a partner. You need to make it clear to yourself that not having a significant other is nothing extraordinary and that everything is okay.
Everyone moves at their own pace. Some people meet the person they stay with for the rest of their lives when they’re very young, and others never find the one. Both of these situations and everything in between is perfectly normal.
The pressure to find a partner can have an effect on your relationship with your family too. You might start avoiding them because you can’t listen to them anymore. Then the first time you do actually meet someone, you might be reluctant to let anyone know because you’re afraid of their reaction if it doesn’t work out.
The solution to this is to calmly talk to the people who are always asking about your love life and tell them that you don’t appreciate it. Be honest and let them know it’s pressuring you. Then decide what you want to do, look for a relationship for real, or stay single. No one’s opinion except yours matters.
9. You have unrealistic expectations of romance
You’re looking for the perfect person , so any potential partner who doesn’t have everything on your checklist is immediately out of the running as your future true love .
If your idea of a romantic relationship comes from the media, it might be unrealistic. It’s not that nobody wants to date you – you just have the wrong idea of what’s possible and what’s healthy.
A great romance can happen to you, but nine times out of ten, if it starts the way it does in the movies, it will turn out to be a toxic relationship that will only leave you hurt.
A real happy romance starts with respect and kindness. Someone who comes to sweep you off your feet and does so with nothing but grand gestures isn’t who you should be looking for. Don’t wait for what you think love should be, but focus on what it really is.
Love shouldn’t hurt . Having to fight for love isn’t a sign of romance. Love at first sight isn’t a sign of finding your soulmate. Just because someone doesn’t have everything you’re looking for at first glance doesn’t mean that giving them a chance would mean you’re settling.
A happy, healthy, and loving relationship is possible with someone who shares your values, who’s willing to compromise, and who can open up and share their heart with you. If they don’t have the hair color you prefer, or you don’t like what they do for a living, you shouldn’t immediately rule them out.
10. You never make the first move
It’s entirely possible that someone who liked you was afraid to let you know because they thought you weren’t interested. If you’re the kind of person who never makes the first move, this might happen to you a lot.
You might think no one wants you when in reality, people simply don’t show their feelings. Other people might have the same issues as you. Maybe that person you’ve had a crush on for months likes you but feels like there’s no way you like them back.
A little bit of bravery is lacking on both sides of what could turn into a serious relationship . Sometimes it can be enough to just give the other person a clear sign.
Women are especially guilty of waiting for the other person to make a move, but guys tend to do this too. Try having a little courage in the face of fear of rejection. That‘s the worst that can happen, but if you go into it with the conviction that being rejected has no bearing on your value as a person, it becomes much easier.
It Starts With Love And Will
When you feel lonely and unloved, the world seems like a sad place. Asking the universe, “Why does nobody want to date me?” can make you feel alone and hopeless. It’s understandable if it makes you feel overwhelmed and defeated and ready to give up.
But don’t surrender yet. To find someone to love you, you must start by loving yourself. Unless you feel like you’re worthy of love , you won’t find it. So don’t sit around waiting – get up and do everything you have to do to be the first one to love you.
After you raise your self-confidence, you must choose to want a relationship. The first step to getting anything in this world is to want it, and that desire is what makes you work for it. When you decide that you’re truly ready and want to find someone, you’ll succeed.
When these two conditions are met, you can overcome everything else. Your will to find love will make you fight for it, and your sense of self-worth will make you work through all the other mental and emotional issues that are holding you back.
Good luck on your path!