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I Hate The Fact That I Still Haven’t Moved On From You

I Hate The Fact That I Still Haven’t Moved On From You

It has been almost a year since you walked away from my life, since you walked away from me and since you gave up on us. I know you moved on with your life long ago but the harsh truth is that I haven’t done the same, despite all of my efforts. The truth is that I still love you and that I hate these emotions I have for you.

I hate the fact that you are still the first thing that goes through my mind every morning I wake up. And I hate myself for that first couple of seconds of a new day in which I am somehow still convinced that you are mine and in which I try to reach your hand on the other side of the bed. Soon, I realize the truth and I realize you are gone but those moments are devastating for me because the painful truth devastates me every time, over and over again.

I hate the fact that your face is still the last thing I see before I fall asleep. Because that is when I realize another day has passed without you in it. During the day, I try to run away from my thoughts and from the fact that I miss you but at night, when I lie alone in my bed, my thoughts are the only thing I hear. And that is when you become the only thing I can think of.

I hate the fact that every time my phone rings, I secretly hope it is you calling me. Even though it has been almost a year since I saw your name on my phone display, somehow I still expect for you to call me and to talk to me as if nothing has happened.

I hate the fact that I think of you every time someone who looks like you passes by me, every time I smell your aftershave on another man or every time I see a car like yours on the street. And every time I assume I might run into you, I feel the same butterflies I felt when I saw you for the first time. And at the same time, I feel the same devastating pain in my heart that I felt when you walked away from me.

I hate the fact that I still think of all the things that happened between us and wonder how we couldn’t make it. I hate that I still hold on to all the beautiful memories the two of us shared and that I constantly replay them in my head over and over again.

I hate the fact that I compare every man around me to you. And I hate it even more that no other man seems to be enough for me. I hate myself for secretly hoping to meet someone like you, when I know you were never the man I needed. I hate myself for looking for you in every guy I meet and for walking away from each one of them, when I realize I can’t fool myself and when I realize none of them is you.

I hate that you are the first person that I want to call whenever something bad or good happens to me. I hate it because you are still the first person I want to share everything with, even though you are no longer interested in me or in my life.

I hate the fact that you are the one who crosses my mind the second alcohol takes over me or the second I hear a song that used to be ours. I hate the fact that my subconscious  is obviously so consumed by you that every time I lose a little bit of control of myself, you are the one who appears on the surface right away, despite all of my efforts to bury you deep inside of me.  

I hate the fact that I still love you and that I simply don’t know how to stop loving you. I hate the fact that I haven’t moved on from you and that I don’t have a clue how to do it.