Being married but in love with someone else is something all couples would like to avoid.
However, just because you’re a married man or a woman, it doesn’t mean that you can control your heart.
Yes, you’ve made some vows and never even thought that you’d catch yourself being emotionally unfaithful.
It doesn’t have to mean that you did something with this third person. They’re present in your heart and mind, and that’s more than enough.
There is no doubt about one thing: This is a tricky and a difficult situation for all parties involved. However, you’re not the first married man or woman going through this scenario.
Here are 10 signs that you’re married but in love with someone else, plus 10 things to do about it.
1. Everything about your spouse annoys you
Remember all those cute things about your husband or wife that you fell in love with, in the beginning of your relationship?
How you even enjoyed the sound of them snoring, how texting them brought a smile on your face, and how you loved their flaws and quirks as much as their good attributes?
Well, all of that’s changed. In fact, lately, it can be said that every little thing about them annoys you.
You’re bothered by the way they talk, laugh – even breathe. To be honest, in most cases you’re annoyed by little, irrelevant things.
In fact, the stuff you loved about them the most has now started to annoy you. All of a sudden, nothing they do or say is cute or charming and you find yourself rolling your eyes all the time.
The truth is that you can’t stand this person. You don’t hate them or anything like that, but you simply don’t feel comfortable around them.
The same way their presence used to brighten your entire day, now you can’t wait to see their back and for them to leave the room.
If this is something you can relate to, it is certainly a red flag and one of the first signs of trouble in paradise.
2. You find excuses not to be in the house
While you and your wife or husband were dating, you couldn’t wait to finally move in together.
You were sick and tired of driving around in your car, sleeping over then going back to your place in the morning to get ready to work, having to come up with different date ideas, and spending time in coffee shops or restaurants.
For you, it was a dream come true to spend the rest of your life waking up next to this special person.
You couldn’t wait to eat breakfast with them every single morning, cook together, spend all of your lazy Sundays next to each other, and sleep together until death do you apart.
However, now all of that has changed. In fact, you keep coming up with different excuses just to not spend time with your significant other and to leave the house.
In fact, even your partner notices this. You’re never around and nowhere to be found most of the time.
Maybe you refuse to admit this, but if you look at things realistically, it really is the truth.
This doesn’t have to mean that you’re sneaking around to see someone else. You would just rather be alone than with your partner, which is certainly not a sign of a happy marriage.
3. You’re spending time with another person
However, if you catch yourself spending more and more time with this third person, that might be a good sign that you’re head over heels for them, without even being aware of it.
When you’re home, you’re making excuses to stay away from your spouse. On the other hand, you’re putting a lot of effort into seeing this person as well.
If this is a coworker, you’re constantly staying extra hours at your work. You’re helping them out with everything and trying hard to synchronize your shifts.
If we’re talking about your neighbor, you catch yourself checking when they’ll go out so you can accidentally meet.
The same goes with that bartender in your nearest joint or with someone you only saw as a best friend up until now.
You’re never too busy to talk to them. Moreover, when you don’t see this person for a few days, you start missing them, even though you refuse to admit this to anyone, including yourself.
One thing’s for sure: Their company suits you. However, wouldn’t it be normal if you use every second of your free time spent with your partner rather than with someone else?
4. You share your marital problems with them
Whether we like to face it or not, there are some situations where we all share our private problems with our friends or closest family members. The same goes with issues in your marriage.
Even though a married couple should be able to resolve their differences and hard times behind closed doors, things like this happen.
After all, you two are both adults and you are perfectly capable of coming up with a solution to whatever is bothering you.
However, sometimes you simply have the need to get some burdens off your chest. You want a second opinion and someone to hear you out.
At the end of the day, this is not such a big deal. Of course, as long as you’re confiding to the people you trust – to those who won’t bring you even more trouble.
Nevertheless, lately, you’ve been sharing all of your marriage secrets with this special person. You feel like they understand you and you keep on looking for their advice.
Not only that, their opinion affects your judgment-making skills. You catch yourself agreeing with them more than you should and even following what they told you is the best thing to do.
It seems that this person has indirectly become a part of your marriage, without your spouse having any idea thereof.
5. You’ve changed things about yourself
When we’re head over heels for someone, our subconscious does everything in its power to make us more likeable to the object of our affection.
That is why one of the signs that you’re married but in love with someone else is the fact that you’re ready to change some things about yourself just to please this third person.
It all starts with the little things. For example, if they told you that one shirt you once wore looks great on you, you’ll try to wear that shirt as often as possible.
The same goes with your haircut, perfume, and other things. However, after a while, you notice even bigger differences about you.
You see that you’re ready to change some things about your character or to modify some of your personality traits just because you think that this other person will fancy you more in this new, updated version.
You start paying particular attention to the way you look because you want to be as appealing as possible to this special someone.
You want them to always see you at your best and that is definitely not the type of behavior you display when your spouse is around.
On the contrary, it’s like you couldn’t care less about what your partner might think of you. You’re not trying to win them over; you’re redirecting all of your effort to this new person.
6. You hide their existence from your spouse
Your spouse shouldn’t just be your romantic partner, they should be your best friend too.
However, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to hang out without them. After all, you’re human beings and it’s natural that you want contact with other people.
It doesn’t mean that you should suddenly become antisocial, you should reduce your circle of friends, or you don’t have the right to have friends outside of your marriage.
Nevertheless, when you have nothing to hide, it is perfectly normal that your marital partner knows all the people you spend your time with.
They don’t have to be friends, but your spouse should at least be aware of their existence in your life.
After all, this is the person you share your everyday life with. Therefore, it is expected that you’ll mention your friends or that their name will come up in some random conversation.
However, this is not the case when it comes to this special person. In fact, you probably hide their existence from your spouse.
There is no trace of them in your social media profiles, you two aren’t texting in front of your spouse, and so on.
Suspicious, right?
Even if your husband or wife knows that this someone exists as your friend or coworker, they certainly have no idea how important this person is to you.
So, why do you think this is so? Is it possible that deep down you’re aware that you’re doing something wrong?
Is it possible that the depth of your heart is aware of these forbidden feelings you have? Do you feel guilty for spending so much time with this person?
If that is so, something is definitely off.
After all, if you were one hundred percent sure that nothing is going on, your conscience would be crystal clear and you wouldn’t have the need to exclude this person from your marriage to this point.
7. You argue with your spouse all the time
Sometimes, you may feel dissatisfied with your life but not know the reason or even be aware of your dissatisfaction in the first place.
However, in this scenario, you can’t control the bad vibe you get from your spouse and the fact that all of this is turning you into a negative person.
So, you two end up fighting all the time. You argue about every little thing and it always turns into a big mess.
Of course, all couples fight and you two have had your share of differences since day one. But this time it’s different.
It seems like you don’t even care about the outcome. You don’t try to get to the solution and you put no effort into making things right again.
Even when – if you put things realistically – your spouse isn’t actually at fault, you’re constantly angry at them.
You hold grudges about things that should have been left in the past and you’re the one who’s always picking fights.
Besides, nothing new has happened between you two to cause all of this drama. Nothing besides this person who’s entered your life and obviously shaken you up.
8. You can’t stop thinking about them
One of the biggest red flags that you’re married but love someone else is that you can’t seem to get this person out of your head, as hard as you try.
You think about them all the time, even when you’re with your spouse.
It doesn’t have to necessarily mean that you only have romantical thoughts about this special someone. They simply cross your mind more often than they should and without any specific reason.
Nothing has to remind you of this person in order for you to remember them.
However, that is exactly what you keep on doing: thinking about them, what they’re up to, and how they would react in a certain situation.
They’ve become the first person you want to call when you hear some good news and someone you want to share your happiness with.
They’re also the first ones you have the urge to reach out to when you need comfort, advice, or a shoulder to cry on.
All of this would sound lovely if not for just one small detail: your marital partner.
Let’s be honest here: Shouldn’t your spouse be the person to stand in this role instead of this third person?
9. Your mood changes when you’re with them
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve had a bad day, if you feel like crying, or you’re just not feeling as your best self.
This is the person who can cheer you up and raise your self-esteem all times, regardless of the circumstances.
Whenever you’re with your spouse, you feel like life is being sucked out of you. You have no energy for anything.
You are cranky, anxious, and depressed, and their quirks bother you. So at first glance, you blame your partner for your condition.
You think that they’re sending off some negative vibe you can’t help but absorb. However, the truth is actually hidden a little deeper.
Conversely, when you’re with this third person, you feel like you could do anything and your self-esteem skyrockets.
You enjoy every breath you take, and positivity and optimism overwhelm every atom of your being.
It’s pretty clear here: You’re in love with this person. Your emotions for them are making you happy and satisfied with your own life.
Whenever you’re around them, all of your problems seem resolvable. It’s like this special someone is the light at the end of your tunnel and the only person who can brighten up your darkest day.
10. You daydream about your life with this person
Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming about this person? You’re in the middle of something and out of nowhere, they appear in your thoughts.
You wonder what it would be like if you two were together, even if you had to be away from each other.
Sometimes, you even plan your life together in detail and only feel good while you’re occupied with your imagination.
This especially happens when you’re in bad relations with your spouse (which is almost always).
Even though you’re probably not doing this on purpose, the fact is you’re comparing your marital partner with this other person.
You wonder how they would react in a certain situation. How would they treat you?
Would you be happier next to this person than you are now? Did you make the wrong decision when you married your spouse?
Would this special someone love you more? Would the two of you get along better?
Would it be less fighting and tensions? Are you more compatible?
The more you think this way, the more flaws you keep on finding in your spouse. All of a sudden, they become the worst choice you could have ever made.
On the other hand, this person you’re in love with seems like your perfect match. They appear to be the missing part of your puzzle.
All of a sudden, they have everything your spouse doesn’t.
You think that this person’s better than your marital partner in all ways possible and there is nothing the latter can do to change your mind regarding this.
See also: 10 Signs A Married Man Is In Love With You And That He Plans To Act On it
3 Reasons Why You Are In Love With Someone Else
Why do married men and women fall for someone outside of their marriage? What are the most common reasons for this? Why are people married and loving someone else?
1. They’re really your soulmate
We don’t all meet our soulmates on time.
Some meet their perfect person only when they’re old and wrinkled, some are lucky to encounter them in their early youth, while others never get the chance to live through this amazing experience.
Basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that just because you married someone, it doesn’t magically make them your soulmate.
In fact, there is a great possibility that this new person is actually your match made in heaven.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m sure you loved your husband or wife while you were saying “I do” at the altar. After all, you loved them so much that you decided to spend the rest of your life with them.
However, soulmates are not concerned about a piece of paper. So, it is possible that you’ve met your other half only now, when you’re already married to someone you thought was your forever person.
Don’t ever forget that life writes novels, so something like this can easily happen.
If this is true, it doesn’t mean that everything you had with your spouse wasn’t real. You loved your partner, but your love had an expiration date and it came to its end.
It’s just that everything you feel towards this new person is more intense than anything you’ve ever felt before. This is something you simply can’t fight against, as hard as you try.
The truth is that you stopped loving your partner. You probably have some deep feelings for them as a person, but everything romantic is long gone here.
Not only that, you have all the respect in this world for everything you and your spouse have shared and built together.
This is the person who’s helped you become who you are today – someone you once wanted to grow old with.
You respect all the years you spent beside each other, all the love you once had, all the sacrifices both of you made, and all the history you have.
However, you can’t order your heart what to do, can you? Your emotions are simply stronger than your reason and there is not much you can do about it.
You don’t love the person you share your life with. You see them as a friend, a roommate, or a family member, but you can’t picture the two of you as a romantic couple anymore.
All the same, you fell in love with someone else. You didn’t plan it. You didn’t want it. It just happened.
2. Your marriage fell into a rut
On the other hand, there’s also a possibility that your marriage has fallen into a rut. You don’t actually love this new person; you’re just using them as an escape from your real life.
The butterflies you felt every time you saw your spouse in the beginning of your long term relationship are long gone.
You two lack intimacy and bonding, similar to a lot of married people out there.
Your entire marriage has come to paying the bills and rushing from one obligation to another, which is a far cry from the fairytale you hoped to get.
You don’t have the time nor the energy to give to each other anymore, and nothing is like it used to be in the beginning.
You no longer feel that thrill when you’re about to see your spouse, you don’t miss them even when days go by without a meaningful conversation, and there are no fireworks when they kiss you.
However, all of this doesn’t have to mean that you’ve stopped loving them. Just like many married couples, you’re just fallen out of love with each other and that can be fixed.
You got so burdened up with your busy lives that you’ve forgotten to pay attention to each other. You’ve started taking each other for granted and somehow, along the way, lost the initial spark.
This is especially true if you have children. Like many other married people with kids, you’re so overwhelmed with all the duties a family brings that you’ve stopped seeing each other in a romantic way.
Consequently, the moment you meet someone new who actually looks at you like an individual and shows some interest in you, you start thinking that you’ve fallen for them. Well, that doesn’t have to be true.
In fact, everything you feel for them is short term and it will go away faster than it came. Yes, they’ve managed to shake you up, but you will forget about this person before you know it.
I’m not here to justify you, but these things happen more often than you might think. After all those years of marriage, having a crisis that’ll pass by is nothing unusual.
3. You feel emotionally neglected with your spouse
Another reason why some people are married and in love with someone else is the lack of emotional support they get from their spouses.
It’s possible that your marital partner has been emotionally neglecting you, ignoring your needs and desires, and treating you like they’ve stopped loving you.
So, you’ve looked for comfort elsewhere. Back home, you feel unwanted and unloved, and now, this person who obviously likes you has appeared to rock your world.
You think that this certain someone will appreciate you more. You are convinced that they’ll treat you the way you deserve. You just want to escape the toxic atmosphere you have in your marriage.
If this is the case, this infatuation you might be feeling can’t serve as justification. I get it.
Your partner treats you like garbage, but that doesn’t give you the green light to be emotionally unfaithful to them.
Don’t get me wrong;. I’m not trying to justify your husband or wife. However, you can’t solve one problem by causing another one.
If you feel emotionally neglected, that is something you should discuss with your marital partner.
Be honest, tell them how you feel, and try talking to them about all of the problems your marriage is going through.
I won’t lie to you. There’s a chance that you won’t come up with a solution. They might even give you false promises that they’ll change but continue treating you the same way they used to.
In that case, you have two options. You can either stay and put up with all of this or you can pack your bags and leave.
Only when you’re separated as husband and wife is it acceptable for you to grow feelings for someone else or start a new relationship. Until then, you’re taken and you should behave accordingly.
10 Things To Do If You’re Married But In Love With Someone Else
Now that you’ve figured out everything, you’ll probably agree that something has to be done about this situation.
Well, actually, you only have two choices: to stay married and try saving your marriage, or get a divorce and go after this new person.
If You Decide To Stay Married
1. Be certain that this is what you want
First of all, you have to be sure that this is what you really want. Are you staying married because you realized this person beside you is your true soulmate?
Or are you doing it because of your family? Or maybe you’re stuck in your comfort zone and scared of changes your divorce might bring, so you prefer remaining unhappy.
Maybe you’re worried about what other people might say and think about your separation. Or you don’t want to break your home because of the kids?
Ask yourself all of these questions before making a final decision. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to persuade you that getting divorced is the right thing to do for you.
I’m just telling you that this is a call you have to make. You have to follow your heart and disregard social norms, fears, and other people.
Yes, divorce is always tough for all parties involved. BUT, living in a loveless marriage can be even worse.
2. Cut ties with the other person
Once you’ve decided that you want to stay married, it’s time to cut all possible ties with this other person.
You have been in love with them and they can’t stay in your life if you want your marriage to work.
You can’t stay friends. If they’re your coworker and you don’t have the option of kicking them out of your life for good, you have to reduce contact to the bare minimum.
No, this doesn’t make the object of your infatuation responsible for your feelings. However, the truth is that they represent a certain temptation and distraction for you.
So, please, just go no contact and turn to your marriage.
You can either confess your feelings to the other side and explain why you’re doing all of this (don’t worry, I assure you that they will appreciate your honesty and respect your decision), or you can just walk away from them and lose touch.
It’s all up to you and it depends on the nature of your relationship. Just remember, though: This step is not negotiable!
3. Be honest with your spouse
The next thing you have to do will probably be the hardest. However, for the sake of your marriage going forward, it has to be done.
You have to be honest with your significant other. You have to tell them how you felt but also say that you want a second chance.
You have to have this talk after you’ve cut ties with the third person. It’s the only way your spouse will believe you and won’t think that you have a backup plan, if they choose not to forgive you.
Yes, it seems that it would all be a lot easier if you could just stay silent about all that’s been going on in your heart.
After all, you decided to leave all of this behind and you must think that there is no need for making unnecessary problems.
However, you have to start basing your marriage on honesty, if you really want to make it work. No more lies, no more deceptions!
4. Rebuild your marriage
I’m not going to lie: There’s a possibility that your spouse won’t forgive you. At least, not at first.
In that case, it’s your job to win them back over. You have to show them that you want to save your marriage at all costs and that you chose them over everyone else.
This is the part in which you both have to work on rebuilding your marriage. Even though it might have appeared to be perfect at first, the truth is that it didn’t work out for the best.
If that wasn’t the case all of this wouldn’t have happened. Yes, you’re responsible for falling in love with someone else, but you’re both responsible for the reconstruction of your marriage.
Work on your communication. Be honest with each other and talk about everything that you would like to change in your relationship.
To begin with, start dating again. Remember why you fell in love with each other and put effort into rekindling those feelings.
Let me be honest: You won’t see any difference right away.
This will be a long and demanding process, but if you’re both really eager to save your unhappy marriage, you’ll succeed.
5. Make sure this doesn’t happen again
Finally, please make sure something like this never happens again.
Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of falling for someone else once more. Because if you do, you’re definitely in the wrong marital union.
Just because your spouse has forgiven you for your emotional infidelity, it doesn’t mean they’ve given you the green light to continue going behind their back.
Don’t see this as an opportunity to fool around.
Trust me: This is your last chance and you better use it right!
If You Decide To End Your Marriage
1. Be certain that this is what you want
Again, even if you decide to file for divorce, you should be completely positive that you’re making the right decision.
First and foremost, this decision shouldn’t depend on this third person and the relationship you have with them. It should be solely based on your emotions and thoughts regarding your marriage.
Don’t separate from your spouse just because you have somewhere to go.
Do it only if you know deep down that you don’t love them anymore (and see no hope of your emotions ever coming back) and are certain that you can’t do anything to save your marriage.
Remember that decisions like this are final and that there is no going back. Make the right decision with a cool head – not in the heat of the moment.
Don’t do it while you’re arguing with your spouse or just because you’re angry at them at that given moment.
Don’t allow others to influence you, and be aware that you’re about to make some drastic changes in your life.
2. Stop idealizing your new partner
Now that you’re certain that you want a divorce, it’s time to think about this new person in your life. First and foremost, you have to stop idealizing them and get back to real life.
Yes, everything between you two might be sunshine and rainbows now. Scientifically, this is called a halo effect – when you see someone in the best possible light.
Nevertheless, this is exactly the way your first marriage started off as well, right?
Every beginning is beautiful and enchanting. However, you have to realize that things are unlikely to stay like this forever.
Therefore, if you end up with this new person, know that your long term relationship or marriage with them will also fall into a rut sooner or later, the same way your first marriage did.
You will get tired of each other and there will be times when they’ll annoy you.
So, if you’re making this step just because you’re hooked on butterflies, think again.
3. Ask for divorce
Now it’s time for the hardest part-time to tell everything to your husband or wife.
Even when you lose all emotions towards someone, looking a person in the eyes and telling them you no longer love them is always a heartbreaking scene, so prepare yourself for the hard time ahead.
Be prepared for a lot of tears – perhaps even insults and name-calling. However, you messed things up and you have to deal with the consequences.
Don’t get into details, but do tell the other side that you are in love with someone new. This way, they’ll understand that you’re deadly serious.
Ask them not to blame this third person. Tell them that you couldn’t control yourself, that you hadn’t planned any of this to happen, but that it did.
That said, don’t ask for their pity either. Don’t play the victim. You are the bad guy in this story, after all.
You’re breaking your spouse’s heart. You’re leaving them, breaking all the promises you made to them.
It’s natural that they will be angry, disappointed, shocked, and betrayed. And that is their right.
So, this is not the time for blame games or for closures.
Even though I’m sure that your spouse is also responsible for some bad things in your marriage, being unfaithful is something you chose to do and you’re the only one guilty for it.
4. Take care of your children’s well-being
If you and your significant other have kids, it’s important to agree on everything regarding them.
I know that you’re overwhelmed with your mess right now, but don’t forget the fact that all of this will bring changes to their lives as well and also hurt them.
So, do your best to ensure your children go unharmed and to preserve their well-being. It’s traumatic enough for them to see their parents getting a divorce.
If you have some issues with your soon to be ex-spouse, don’t mix the kids up in them. Don’t argue over them and don’t involve them to spite your significant other.
At this point, your most important job is to show your ex and your kids that you’re still a parent, even though you’re no longer a marital partner.
Help them separate these two things. Never even think of disregarding your children.
5. See whether you can build a life with this new person
Every person who is married yet in love with someone else thinks that they’ll just jump into this new relationship the moment they sort things out in their marriage.
However, just because you filed for divorce, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t think everything through regarding your new partner.
Is all of this just infatuation? Or is it real love?
Do you see their flaws? Or are you under a halo effect that causes you to idealize them?
Is this just a fairytale? Or can it be real life?
Is this person nothing more than your get-out-of-jail-free card from a bad unhappy marriage?
Are the feelings you have for them just an excuse to get rid of the spouse you’ve stopped loving ages ago?
Or is this the real deal? Can you see yourself building a life with this new person? You’re the only one who can make that call!