We all know the old saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ but are we really willing to test his love in that way?
Do we have enough courage to let everything be, to simply let go and see if he is the one who will come after us?
In my personal experience, if you lack courage, you should do your best to gather some. Because in reality, that’s the only way you will know if you have the kind of relationship with him that is worth being in.
“Will he miss me if I leave him alone?” was the only question I kept asking myself when he said he needed some space.
He said that everything was going too fast and it was just overwhelming. He said he felt lost. He had lost track of who he was and what he wanted. So he asked me if I could give him time to figure out what he wanted.
I said I would give him all the time he needed but everything inside of me screamed NO. I didn’t want us to be apart. I didn’t need any time.
I knew what I wanted and he was that and I had absolutely no doubt about it. But what was I supposed to do? Force him to stay? That was not an option.
I would have done anything for him, I would have moved mountains to make him happy, I would have been willing to make compromises but the only thing I would never do was beg him to stay if he wanted to leave. And though his wishes broke my heart, I had no other option but to grant them.
I couldn’t pull on his sleeve, I couldn’t run after him shouting how great I was, how good we had it together, about how many more amazing things lay ahead. I couldn’t because it made no sense; he knew that already.
And if he wasn’t feeling the same way as I did, what option did I have but to let him be and hope deep down that the absence would really make his heart grow fonder.
I hoped. But somehow I prepared myself for the worst.
I tried to be rational with all the pain that was coming over me. I knew that things might go either way, that he might never come back and that I might lose him for good.
I wanted to fight for us. I wanted to call him. I wanted to text.
I wanted to go knocking on his door in the middle of the night and scream at him for being so stupid and heartless to let me go. I wanted him to hug me, kiss me, calm me down and tell me he was not going anywhere, that he was here to stay.
I wanted to do that more than anything but I decided to be stronger than myself.
I remembered all the real-life examples of my friends who had been in similar situations.
They chased after their partners like there was nothing more to life. They texted. They texted even when their texts were ignored. They called until they saw no more point or until they would piss them off.
They did basically everything they could think of to keep them a bit longer in their life but that pulled them even further apart and there was no going back.
I figured that whichever way I chose I was running the same risk of losing him.
Would he miss me if I left him alone? Would he realize that he loved me?
I really couldn’t answer that. But I chose that path. I chose to respect his wishes and see what happened. I felt that if nothing else I would at least have my dignity if things didn’t work out the way I wished.
I decided to behave like we had broken up and that there was nothing I could really do. I was so sad that words can’t describe it but I knew there was no other way. I had to grieve for my lost love.
I had to put my life back on track and see who I was without him, who I was when he was missing from my life.
So I did exactly that. I started rebuilding myself. I started rebuilding my life. I had ups and downs. I had days when I would lie in bed wide awake, not being able to get him out of my mind. I had days when I would fall asleep as soon as my head would touch the pillow. I had days when I was unable to move. I had days when I conquered the world. But that’s all part of the process that is life.
When I finally moved on, when I made peace that we were a part of the past, he came back.
He realized that he had just been freaking out. That he had just got scared. But at that point, I was the one who didn’t know what to say.
I was the one whose heart had been broken into millions of tiny pieces. I was the one who’d had to glue all those pieces back together.
I was also the one who still loved him with every broken piece. That’s why after some time of him being persistent and fighting to get me back, I gave him one more chance. To this day, I haven’t retreated it and I hope I never will.
So if I was to ask myself again, “Will he miss me if I leave him alone?” my answer would be, “Most definitely, YES.”
But all things taken into consideration, things could have gone in a different direction too—that’s why it’s a good thing to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.
Knowing how difficult this is, I want to make some points to make the whole waiting and hoping period easier:
1. You really have no choice but to respect his wishes, so why wouldn’t you?
You should never ask for somebody’s attention. You should never beg for someone’s time and affection. You should never, ever, under any circumstances, beg someone to stay if they are already one foot out of the door. They will leave regardless of what you do and what you say.
The thing is, if you look past your feelings and see the reality that someone wants to be left alone, there is no other way but to let them go, no matter how hard it is. It’s never a good idea to beg for someone’s love. Love should be given freely. It should come naturally to both of you and it can’t be forced.
2. Ignoring him is really the best way to get his attention.
Regardless of if he says he wants to be left alone or if he shows it with his actions, you should never go into clingy mode and chase after him.
Even if you notice that he enjoys being chased, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be chased too. He should be the one meeting you somewhere in the middle by putting in the same effort and making the same investments. He shouldn’t lead you on by playing hot and cold or some other mind games.
Chasing after him will lead you nowhere, so the best thing you can do is stop trying. Ignoring him to get his attention is the best method you can use if there is any chance of making your relationship work.
3. Use reverse psychology.
The thing is, if he is afraid to commit, if something in his relationship with you is making him pull away, the harder you try to keep him, the further the gap between you will be. That’s why you have to use reverse psychology.
Reverse psychology basically means doing the opposite of what he would expect you to do. He would expect a random text from you; you know, the kind of text you send wanting to be just casual and friendly, to check up on him. Don’t do that. On a subconscious level, it will send him the message that you are desperate.
Men like to be needed but they don’t appreciate being ran after. Men are born hunters so they will inevitably go after what they want. If he actually needs some time to figure things out, he will hunt you down the moment he is ready to do so. If not, there is, unfortunately, nothing you can do about it.
4. Give him space to miss you.
Sending him texts is the trickiest form of communication. Texts provide us with a sense of fake security. We don’t have to see him or hear his voice, so we avoid feeling shy or embarrassed by something that we might say. So we send a text and another text, and when all the texts are left unanswered, we send some more. We even send those long texts where we explain everything that lies on our heart. But we only sabotage our chances by doing so.
Our partner asks us for some space to breathe and we are constantly suffocating him further, which results in him running even further away.
That’s why if we want him to miss us and if we want a chance for him to change his mind, we have to restrain ourself from texting and from any other form of communication for that matter. He can’t miss us if we are still present.
He needs a chance to see what he is missing out on. All that you mean to him, all that he has with you, all that you have done for him, he might be taking for granted. He needs to miss your smile, your attentive ear, all of your support and affection. He has to miss your love so he can see how it feels living without it.
Unfortunately, people are sometimes unable to see what they have while they have it. That’s why they recognize the true value of other people in their life only after they almost lose them. So let him lose you, let him be deprived of everything you are and everything you have been giving into the relationship. If he doesn’t miss you then he was never worthy of your time.
5. Remember who you are without him.
What I realized from my time apart with my boyfriend was that I wasn’t only missing him; I missed myself too. Somehow, along the way, I lost sight of the things that mattered to me. I neglected my friends. I dropped my interests as if they didn’t matter. I forgot how my smile looked if he wasn’t the one putting it on my face.
I should have never done that. And neither should you. The thing is, we need to love ourself truly and wholeheartedly so that someone else can love us too. And that’s not a cliché, that’s the God’s honest truth.
Sometimes we are so into a person that we unwillingly change so much. We fit their needs and forget that we have our own. We go all the way instead of meeting them halfway, instead of acknowledging that we had a life before them and that we will have one after them.
That’s why we need to take our life back. We have to remember to love ourself more each day. We have to value the people in our life who are always there for us. They are the ones who are happy for our good days and they are there standing right next to us on our bad days and we should never forget that.
We have to start doing things for ourself. Because putting ourself first is not selfish, it’s necessary and no matter the outcome, having our own life regardless of our relationship status will do us some good. We have to remember that our significant other should be an important part of our life but never our entire life.
6. Avoid oversharing on social media.
This also has to do with point 4 and giving him space to miss you. If you are still friends on Facebook or follow each other on Twitter or Instagram, don’t display your emotions too bluntly for him and everyone else to see.
For starters, that will give some petty people the excuse to gloat or comfort themself in seeing that not only their life is miserable. Second and foremost, he will see right through you and you will get the same effect you would get by sending texts; it would make you seem desperate. He would probably feel sorry for you and that’s surely not something you want to achieve.
The best thing to do is not to post anything on social media, at least for a while. Then if you still have the need to post something, be smart about it. Post something that subtly hints at your emotions, like someone else’s story you would like to share or a song that might trigger something in him. Change your profile photo from time to time, to let him see what he is missing out on.
What I am saying here is you can use social media as a little boost that he needs to trigger his emotions and make him miss you. But if you overdo it and overshare it can backfire and the results will be completely opposite to those you hoped for.
7. Mutual friends.
Similar to social media posts, mutual friends can be either beneficial or destructive to your chances of patching things up. He might share a similar feeling of closeness toward your mutual friends, so they can let you in on how things are going, on his side of the fence. But that communication goes both ways, so know that whatever you say might reach his ears too.
Be careful of what you want him to know. Reveal a little but keep some things to yourself. The mystery of not knowing whether you are missing him or not might be just the thing that will make him wonder why he has no information about you. Is it possible that you have forgotten all about him and let him go? He won’t be able to shake it out of his mind.
But be careful. Although these tactics with social media and mutual friends work, they will only awaken emotions in someone who has true ones. However, if he is not serious about you, if his feelings are not true, these tactics will be short-term. He will just come back to see if he can, just to find out if you are still in love with him and you have been missing him. He doesn’t plan on staying.
8. Prepare yourself for the possibility that you will run into him.
And it is going to be painful. It will hurt looking at him and not having him in your life. I have been there. I was crumbling from the inside but I was keeping my cool on the outside (at least I thought I was pulling it off). I remember going home and crying my heart out. Just thinking about that now is painful and surviving that moment was even worse.
You don’t have to act tough if you don’t feel tough at that moment. I was OK with myself at that point so it made everything easier in a way. Although it is never always easy, somehow, after all of it, I was proud of how things ended.
He even asked how I was. I said I was OK. I didn’t lie. For me, OK is somewhere in the middle between completely devastated and completely great. I guess OK is the best I could have been, given the circumstances. It also confused him that I engaged in small talk and skipped all the big words I wanted to say. That wasn’t like me. I always spoke my mind.
I guess at this point he knew that I had now learned the difference between want and need. I wanted him desperately in my life but I didn’t need him. And that made all the difference. He knew if he didn’t get himself together that he might risk losing me forever.
9. In case you are in a long-distance relationship.
You run no risk of running into him, so that’s one of the things that’s a bit helpful. But daily communication is something he is used to. He is used to having you a phone call away. But what happens when that’s no longer an option? When you deny him all contact?
Because even if he said he wanted space, he will probably come back at some point. But if he is not ready to keep the relationship going, he shouldn’t exploit your time. You shouldn’t listen to his daily dramas and have some meaningless conversations when he knows you have strong feelings.
He is more likely to miss you if you leave him completely alone. Remaining in contact with him will give him some kind of make-believe notion that you are still a part of his life even though he is not ready to make even the smallest commitment.
If you are constantly in contact, he won’t miss you emotionally, and he is already used to missing you physically so he considers that to be the normal state of things. Show him that you want all or nothing. If he really misses you he won’t be able to stand not hearing from you for too long. If he doesn’t, at least you will know where you stand and that it’s time you move on.
10. The no contact rule can be very helpful.
A lot of people use the no contact rule either to get their ex back or to make the healing process easier on themself. I used it on two occasions—once before when I wanted to get over my toxic ex, and then when I wanted my runaway boyfriend back and it was beneficial in both cases.
The no contact rule means just that—following the rule of having absolutely no contact with your ex for a certain period of time. No texts or calls, unfriending on Facebook, unfollowing on Instagram; it means no communication whatsoever for a certain period of time or indefinitely (depending on the situation), and not even if he contacts you.
This no contact period serves you to reevaluate your feelings and see where you stand. It’s a great way to get some much needed distance, get some perspective and see whether you have something worth waiting for or if it’s better to go no contact forever.
When you want your ex back, this rule is important because it gives him a chance to see how bitter life tastes without you in it. We are getting back to the fact that it’s important to give him enough space and time to miss you. He has to see all that he is losing by not having you in his life.
It seems it’s common for most men, especially those with commitment issues, to recognize the value of a woman only after they almost lose her forever.
If you are asking yourself, “Will he miss me if I leave him alone?”, I can’t answer that for you. But what I can tell you is that it’s worth the risk. It’s worth testing his real feelings and it’s better to do so sooner in the relationship rather than later.
This all probably sounds a bit scary and you may be afraid to let destiny take its course. But the truth is, whatever you do, you can’t influence the outcome. Things always happen the way that they are supposed to. And while we can influence a lot of things, this is one of those that is out of our hands.
We can’t force love. We shouldn’t have to convince anybody that we are worthy of their presence. We shouldn’t and, most importantly, we can’t. There are no texts, no calls and no words that can bring somebody back if he already decided that he is leaving for good.
But if someone is in-between, if someone is questioning things because of their own personal issues and some fears they might have, isn’t it better to leave them alone and let them miss you? If you were to chase after them, they would just go sooner.
That’s why the best thing to do is to not do anything at all. If he misses you, he will come back. If he doesn’t, he was never meant to be in your life anyway. You can never keep someone who isn’t meant to stay.