The number one thing that can help you on your journey to recovery from heartbreak is the no contact rule – or in other words, experiencing the power of silence after a break up.
The no contact rule means having zero contact with your ex in order to gain perspective and clarity for yourself and make them realize your worth in the meantime.
Don’t shower them with messages and calls filled with apologies and promises. Instead, take a step back and let time and silence do the work.
It’s no secret that human beings have a bad habit of realizing the value of other people only after they lose them.
That’s when the truth hits the hardest and the reason why you should stay silent.
It doesn’t matter where you stand after the breakup. If you want to get over your ex – this is it; if you want to get back with your ex – the process is the same. Either way, silence will work its magic.
However, it’s a good idea to ask yourself: What do I want? Do I really want my ex back or do I want them to see what they lost?
Staying silent after a breakup is not easy. However, it’s one of the most efficient ways to make your ex-partner realize your worth and to understand your own feelings.
Don’t forget that this doesn’t mean you’ll lose contact with them forever – it’s just a period when you allow time to pass until they reach out to you.
This method is great for getting control of the situation and helping you observe your emotions with a cooler head.
So, next time you think to yourself I just want him/her to know I miss him/her, or I should check his/her Instagram – put that phone down and start doing something to distract yourself because that’s a very bad idea.
This won’t work without consistency and discipline, so tough it up and trust the process.
How does the no contact rule work?
The idea is simple in theory: You stop all communication with your ex for a certain period of time to create space for each other so you can heal and recover, along with possibly opening up the opportunity to come back together as a couple.
The no contact rule is also known by the name radio silence.
There’s no official rule of how long it should last but you should definitely start with no less than 30 days. During that period your ex will probably go through a few different emotional stages.
At first, they will probably feel good about their decision and stay calm. That’s the period when life suddenly feels different and freer, but it’s only an illusion that won’t last for long.
I’m sure it’s not the first time you’ve heard a story about a man or a woman breaking up with their partner and suddenly acting like they’ve been let off the leash.
Trust me, that first rush of adrenaline will soon fade.
After the initial positive period comes the first time they feel worried about not hearing from you, but still they don’t make a move.
They’re starting to get nervous because they expected to receive text messages and phone calls, but nothing happened.
They expected you to fulfill their expectations and call them, but you didn’t!
Now, this is when they become angry. That’s the third stage. They become angry because you’re not giving them the attention they expected.
They start to wonder, what’s wrong? Why aren’t you playing the role they wanted you to play?
It’s even possible they will contact you in this phase – but if that happens, the only thing you can expect is some angry and hurtful comments about how they’re glad you’re not together anymore.
Now after the third phase comes the final phase. During the final phase they finally realize what they could lose forever.
With that realization comes regret. That’s the time when you can expect your ex to admit their feelings and ask you for another shot. Your ex misses you.
Now it’s up to you. Do you want them to come back to you? Do you want to be left alone and move on with your life?
Sometimes romantic relationships are great but other times they’re just wake-up calls to learn a lesson in life.
I’m not saying you should give up on your relationship, but it’s possible that the NC rule method has got you thinking about everything and seeing things from another perspective.
What do you gain from this method? How does it work?
Staying silent makes you feel more powerful because you’re not begging for anyone’s attention and it brings them to you. It shows firmness.
It shows that you can live without them, that you’re not dependent – and that’s a highly desirable trait.
In a way it’s taking back your power and establishing your worth and in some situations self-respect too.
The other thing is the old rule of action speaking louder than words. When you actually do something rather than just saying it – they’re going to take notice.
As I said before, people often don’t know what they have until they lose it.
They’re used to certain relationship patterns which you’re not following this time and that’s what’s catching them off guard. If they have feelings for you, this is what will make them show it.
You’ll also have time to self-reflect, think about everything you want or don’t want and detox from all the emotions.
Staying still in emotionally challenging situations is the hardest thing but it’s worth it in the long run. It has to do a lot with your motivation and goal.
When you let go of things they no longer have power over you and that’s when you can enjoy them if they come back better.
5 Things To Do During A No Contact Period
1. Keep yourself busy
You can’t just wait for a text and do nothing. Make a schedule of activities and stick to it. Make some new goals for yourself. Just get up and do it.
Work harder or do something you have never done before. New experiences will create a new mindset and space to think about things from a different perspective.
New things will occupy your mind and shift your focus somewhere else.
2. Work on your self-confidence and well-being
Invest in yourself. Do all the things you’ve been putting off. Transform the space you live in into something you enjoy.
Level up your physical appearance. Caring about your looks isn’t selfish or superficial, your appearance is part of you the same as everything else and it should be cared for.
It will make you feel good in your skin.
Other than that, take care of your body from the inside; be mindful about what you put in your body. Try switching your diet or introduce some healthy habits into your lifestyle.
Most important of all, remember to respect yourself as you are and remind yourself of all the beautiful traits that you have. Challenge your bad thoughts about yourself and be good to yourself.
3. Hang out with your best friends
Friends are not mentioned enough when it comes to methods of healing. Having a good friend is the most precious thing in the world.
Having someone you can be comfortable and vulnerable with is priceless.
With friends, you don’t have to pretend you’re cooler or tougher than you are, you already know they know the real you.
They can take your mind off of the situation and help you have fun and relax.
4. Learn to be by yourself
While having a friend or partner is great, the most important thing you need to learn is to be comfortable on your own.
Learn how to positively talk to yourself. Just like you can distance yourself from outer negativity, you can distance yourself from your own negative thoughts.
Instead of asking others for advice, ask yourself for advice. Trust that you can solve a problem yourself.
The more you keep solving problems using your own intuition and reasoning the more you will trust yourself and your decisions.
When you’re really comfortable in your own presence, that’s when you achieve inner peace and your heart won’t be easily disturbed.
5. Try to relax and be in the moment
Why do so many people mention this?
The key is not to live in the past or future, because you can’t change or predict them. It’s important to live in the now and be aware of your current choices.
The only thing we can affect is happening right now and that’s why it’s important to stop living in the illusions of the past or future. The only person whose actions we can control is us.
4 Terrible Mistakes To Avoid During A No Contact Period
1. Checking their social media profiles
Scrolling through their feed, refreshing pages to see comments, and checking the last time they were online on WhatsApp isn’t how no contact works.
Even if it’s not technically a contact it does the damage.
People are easily triggered by photos, comments, and sounds. There’s also a chance that you might misinterpret something you see and make an unnecessary fuss in your head.
In this state of mind, it’s easy to change the narrative to fit your emotional state.
It’s not unlikely that after a breakup people will do something out of the blue like post something they wouldn’t post normally. That’s going to confuse you even more, but for what?
Don’t go against yourself, make your life easier.
2. Talking to mutual friends about them
This is a big NO. I’ve been there myself too many times.
Talking to mutual friends is just pouring oil on the fire. You don’t need anyone’s advice. Trust yourself and what you feel. Nobody knows what happened between you two other than you.
It’s tricky because you value your friends’ opinions but they probably just want you two to be together again or insist they he/she wasn’t the one for you.
Either way, it’s useless because it’s not their concern.
Other than that there’s a high chance of your words being taken out of context and relayed to your ex and that only complicates the situation even more.
3. Thinking about texting them
Stop. Don’t do it. Your ex wants you to give in and send a message but that’s not what you want.
Keep reminding yourself it’s better not to text and keep yourself busy. The minute you send that message, you’ll regret it.
Clean your house, get a manicure, talk to your friend, or go somewhere you don’t have service.
4. Rewinding the last conversation in your head
Replaying conversations in your head over and over again will bring you nothing but feelings of frustration, sadness, or even guilt.
Did he/she really mean it? Why did I have to say that?
It doesn’t matter anymore. They said what they said and you said what you said. There’s no going back. If love is true, they will be able to see past your words and consider your feelings.
5. Indulging in any type of harmful activities
In situations when you feel directionless and sad it’s normal to search for distraction.
However, drinking, overeating, and indulging in any type of harmful activity won’t help you feel better in the long run, it’s only going to make you feel worse.
Alcohol can be an easy vice to turn to when you’re feeling bad, and it doesn’t come without its risks. It’s used as a quick fix – a non-permanent way to feel better.
Distractions are only masks we use to numb the pain when we don’t want to face it.
So, does silence really make a man miss you and why?
Okay, I know that simply saying that silence will bring your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend back is not very convincing at first.
Every situation and every person is different, there’s no guaranteed way that this will work out though it’s based on average scenarios. But hear me out.
There’s a difference between choosing the no contact method and nervously waiting for the call and choosing the no contact method and taking the time to work on yourself and better your self-esteem.
Why is that so important?
Have you ever noticed that people who do what they love radiate a certain kind of energy that’s so fascinating and magnetic? Exactly.
That’s why listening to yourself and being your authentic self is so important. Go on and do all the things that make you happy. Learn to enjoy being yourself by yourself.
In fact, there’s a high chance that’s going to be the thing to spark his attention.
There’s nothing sexier than a woman who takes care of herself and knows what she wants in life. Don’t fake it, embody it. Start caring about all parts of yourself on a regular basis.
It’s time to revisit all the things you ignored while you were in a relationship.
Introduce yourself to some new activities and explore new parts of yourself. Fill your time with things you enjoy.
Let yourself be the person your ex fell in love with. Inspire yourself and you will inspire him. The next time you see each other he will definitely notice the change.
Think about it. A month of self-doubt, crying, and pettiness is very different from a month of self-love, putting intention into everything you do, and feeling at peace with yourself.
But why do people suddenly become interested when we start ignoring them? That’s the power of silence after a break up.
There are a few reasons. The first reason is because romantic relationships are addictive in nature. They trigger the same parts of the brain as an addiction.
We enjoy them in more than one sense because they make us feel good and happy.
We’re addicted to their company and often have overly idealized thoughts about them or you as a couple.
Naturally, when we don’t get the hit we used to get, we will feel dissatisfied and crave it.
The other thing that makes the absence sexy is the attachment style of a person.
If someone’s type of attachment is being codependent, that’s what’s going to trigger their inclination to engage in relationships that mimic the patterns of rejection and being ignored.
What to do if your ex contacts you first?
So, it happened! You’ve followed the NC rule successfully and finally heard that familiar sound of an incoming message and seen their name on your cell phone screen. What do you do now?
There are a few scenarios. First, let’s make clear that if this has happened inside less than a 30 day period, you shouldn’t answer the message.
Simple and clear. This is the period when your ex is probably mad because you didn’t respond to the situation the way they hoped you would.
They probably wondered why you stopped contacting them and why you’re doing so well after the breakup: What if you’re already in a new relationship?
No way! They needed to check.
If you respond to this message, be ready to become upset because they’re probably mad at you for reasons they’ve come up with in their heads – and that’s none of your business.
Ideally, when your ex contacts you after a certain time, you’ll notice the change in their voice and demeanor. They won’t be mad but rather remorseful.
You will feel more powerful and they will talk to you with respect.
They will probably be willing to talk about the situation in a more mature way. From this point, it’s up to you. It’s up to what you want and need.
The truth about the NC rule is that most people will break it.
This happens because people are usually very heartbroken and have a hard time being disciplined because they genuinely miss their partners.
The most important thing of all is to self-reflect and think about what you really want in life and what you really feel for your partner. Do you love them or are you dependent on how they make you feel?
Being honest to yourself is the best thing you’ll do for yourself. Self-deceiving is a tricky and almost addictive behavior pattern that keeps us from ever achieving our goals.
Sometimes we’re too easy on ourselves, but sometimes we expect way too much from ourselves.
In every situation where strong feelings are involved, it’s good to constantly remind ourselves to stay calm and cool before we act.
Sometimes in the period of no contact, you can realize obvious things that were somehow hidden from you.
For example, you might realize your ex was a narcissist or maybe that your long-distance relationship wasn’t as realistic as it seemed at first.
People misunderstand this method thinking all they need to do is ignore their ex-partner but that only pushes people to put their exes at the center point of their existence.
In reality, that’s counterproductive.
Only when you shift focus towards yourself and start feeling good in your own skin will you really become attractive in the eyes of others.
The key to success and positive results is bringing clear objectives, discipline, and creating a positive atmosphere.
There’s always a lot of things unique to your own story and they will be an important factor in the whole process.
Always remember to listen to your intuition and do what you feel is the right thing to do and keep in mind everything that’s been said.
Whether you decide to move on on your own or get back to your ex I can only wish you good luck on your journey and hope that you’ll experience the power of silence after your break up.