Confini malsani con l'ex moglie (13 tipi e come risolverli)
So che probabilmente avete difficoltà ad ammettere a voi stessi che avete dei limiti malsani con l'ex moglie. Dopo tutto, eravate sposati.
Come si fa a non starle vicino? Come potreste mai lasciarla andare completamente?
Sono tutte domande valide. Ma avete dimenticato di porvi quella più importante:
Cosa sarebbe meglio per la mia salute mentale? Che impatto avranno le mie decisioni sulla mia ex moglie in altri ambiti della mia vita? Come posso impostare confini sani?
Nei paragrafi seguenti troverete le risposte a tutte queste domande.
13 tipi di confini malsani con la ex moglie
Vi chiedete se avete dei limiti malsani con l'ex moglie? Date un'occhiata ai 13 comportamenti tossici qui sotto per fare chiarezza:
1. La rabbia è inutile.
Il distruzione del divorzio is real. One partner usually blames the other for the problems that led to it. But, addressing the issue isn’t the same as constant fighting.
When you want to solve the problem, you don’t care about being right. You only want peace in the marriage again.
But, if you argue only for the sake of arguing, that’s something you need to fix.
Perché? Per due motivi:
1. Whatever issues made you separate don’t even matter now. You already made up your mind that Il divorzio era l'unica opzione possibile.
2. Since you aren’t together anymore, as guilty as the other person is, you can’t play the blame game anymore.
That’s an obvious example of unhealthy boundaries with ex-wife. If your angry outbursts happen too often, that’s even outright emotional abuse.
It doesn’t matter whose fault it is anymore. What’s done is done.
2. Jealousy won’t bring her back.
Do you meddle with your ex-wife’s new partner or vice versa?
If so, let me remind you that you decided to end things. You signed the divorce papers. You don’t owe each other any explanations anymore.
I know it’s hard to ignore your spouse while you’re separated e di vederli stare con qualcun altro, ma entrambi avete scelto di separarvi.
Of course, it’s going to hurt, but that doesn’t mean that you have any right to openly complain about it.
Suffer in silence… until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Trust me, acts of jealousy aren’t good for either of you.
Instead of getting angry, try finding a new girlfriend yourself. But, make sure that it’s not an relazione di ripiego malsana. Dovrebbe piacerti per quello che è.
3. We weren’t made for only one love story.
Se lasciate alla vostra ex moglie troppo spazio nella vostra testa, le cose sono destinate a peggiorare.
You need to convince yourself that she’s in your past now. Learn to appreciate the memories without letting them control you.
If you focus on what you had with her, you’ll never allow yourself to see someone else as an ideal new girlfriend.
Il vostro matrimonio è finitoperché non dare un nuova relazione una possibilità?
Sapete quanto tempo potreste sprecare se continuate a tenervelo stretto?
What if your ideal person is right under your nose, but you can’t see them because you’re stuck somewhere you no longer belong?
Pensateci un attimo.
4. Away from the eyes, away from the heart…
Well, not really… but constant chatting isn’t going to help either!
Come si può pensare di andare avanti dalla tua ex moglie se vi parlate sempre?
Più parlate, più sarà difficile per voi trovare qualcun altro. Forse avete divorziato per un buon motivo, ma (presumo) probabilmente ci sono anni pieni di amore alle spalle.
No matter how much they hurt you, it’s not easy to forget someone you’ve lived with for so long.
Fate un favore al vostro cuore e smettete di parlare con loro più del dovuto. Chiamateli solo se ne avete davvero bisogno, ma altrimenti statene alla larga.
A volte, potreste inconsciamente cercare dei motivi validi per contattarli (il che è un segnale di attaccamento malsano!), quindi vi consiglio di prestare attenzione a questo aspetto.
Every time you feel tempted, ask yourself: ”But do I need to do this? Can’t I solve this on my own?”
Credetemi, più sono lontani da voi, più velocemente guarirete.
5. If you can’t kill the connection, at least don’t deepen it.
Your ex-wife has been with you through thick and thin. Understandably, she’s the first person you’d like to call in times of need.
Tuttavia, mettere in atto questo desiderio è tutt'altra cosa.
If you keep reaching out to her, you won’t ever get her out of your head. You need to learn how to stare lontano da lei e fare affidamento su altre persone.
When someone helps you deal with a problem, you get attached to them. It’s only natural. So, you can imagine what a problem that is when your EX-WIFE is in the picture.
No matter how tempting it is to call her, solve your issue on your own. It’s not fair to drag her into your world again.
She’ll probably be glad to help you, and then you’ll create a never-ending cycle of a relazione tossica.
Sì, questo sarebbe tossico. Se pensate che essere così vicini alla vostra ex moglie sia normale e carino, ripensateci.
6. Lasciare il passato nel passato.
Chatting with your ex-wife is bad enough, but if your conversations revolve around your past, that’s a recipe for disaster!
Se, per qualche motivo, dovete rimanere in contatto, attenetevi ad argomenti più leggeri. Parlate un po', fate una o due battute o semplicemente affrontate le questioni che dovete risolvere insieme.
The shorter the visits, the better because there’s no need to stir up memories of past happiness.
If you keep reminding yourselves of how good it was, it’s only going to be harder to lasciarsi andare.
Treating them as a stranger is even more awkward if you’ve ended on good terms, but that’s precisely why you have to be careful.
You divorced for a reason. In your eyes, it was obviously unforgivable. Don’t let love blind you.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you.
I know that’s the biggest lesson I learned, and I hope it’ll help you, too!
7. Sex isn’t always ‘just sex.’
To you, sex might seem harmless and fun, but if you’re doing it with your ex-wife, it’s anything BUT.
This is someone you used to live with, someone you genuinely loved. It’s impossible to just turn your emotions off.
If anything, they can only become stronger. When you’re already emotionally attached to someone, physical intimacy brings you closer together.
Don’t play this game. If you want to be with her, you shouldn’t have signed the papers in the first place. Satisfy your sexual desire elsewhere…unless this isn’t about sexual desire at all…
Siate onesti con voi stessi su ciò che volete. Solo così sarete in grado di fare qualcosa.
8. Abbandonare i vecchi ruoli.
Quindi, fatemi capire bene. Avete deciso di divorziare, eppure vi comportate ancora come marito e moglie?
Questa è la definizione di confini malsani con l'ex moglie.
If you both agreed on separation, you can’t have the same demands as when you were together.
Before, you were two individuals involved together. You both had wants and needs the other person had to take into consideration. That’s what partnership is all about.
Quello che dovete capire è che questa non è più una collaborazione. Comportarsi come se lo fosse è una tratto tossico su cui è necessario lavorare.
Potreste aver divorziato legalmente dalla vostra ex moglie, ma dovete ancora lavorare sulla separazione mentale.
9. If someone decides to leave you, let them…
It can’t get worse than this. If you are so hung up on your ex-wife (or vice versa) that you use the court to stay close to them, you really need to do some soul searching.
This isn’t only about you. You are actually affecting the life of another human being.
You refuse to disengage from her and ruin her chance at happiness due to your selfish love. Yes, I’m sorry, but if you genuinely loved her, you wouldn’t treat her this way.
If you see that she’s doing fine without you, then tagliarle la strada. You can use the legal system against her as much you’d like, but that will only create resentment.
In a desire to keep her close, you’ll only drive her further away. Is that what you really want?
On the other hand, if you want some sort of revenge, isn’t it better to use your time to build a vita più felice per voi stessi? Perché perdere tempo in una relazione rovinata?
Qualunque siano le vostre ragioni, la persona che ne soffrirà di più, alla fine, sarete voi!
10. Your children aren’t toys.
C'è un esempio più brutto di confini malsani con l'ex moglie che usare il vostro rapporto di co-genitorialità per vendicarsi?
Maybe you’re talking negatively about her all the time and turning your kids against her. Or maybe she’s seeking child support and alimony not for her kids’ sake but out of anger?
Do you even realize what you’re doing? Instead of being a good and loving parent, you see your children as pawns in a game of revenge.
Remember – they exist for you to LOVE.
If you’re still resentful towards your ex-wife, why not talk to her about it? If it’s too awkward, there’s always a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist.
But, please, leave the kids out of it. Don’t give them trauma. Even if they’re not fully aware of what’s going on, it has an impact on them.
Divorce is hard enough for them. Don’t make it even harder.
11. Be a good parent… for a good reason.
You’re using your own children again, but this time, in a more “loving” manner.
Che cosa significa?
In pratica, li trattate bene per i motivi sbagliati.
You don’t really care about raising them properly. You don’t care about being a good parent. You care about being BETTER than the other parent.
It’s all a competition to you. You don’t know any other way to take out your anger on your ex-wife.
Actions don’t matter. Motives do. Treat your children well not out of resentment but out of love.
The world didn’t come to an end. It was only your marriage that ended. Your little ones still need you.
12. Siete responsabili della vostra felicità.
Yes, your ex-wife may have ruined your marriage, but she didn’t ruin your whole life.
Quello che dovete capire è questo:
Other people aren’t responsible for your happiness.
Quando vi fanno del male, la colpa è loro, ma siete VOI a doverla dare a loro. responsabile della propria guarigione.
You won’t accomplish anything by blaming your ex-wife. You will only feed your negative feelings until they drive you insane.
It’s understandable if you’re angry. You have every right to be angry. But, that’s not the emotion that deserves your full attention.
Scegliete l'amore. Scegliete la cura di voi stessi. Scegliete il miglioramento di voi stessi.
Una mentalità da vittima non vi porterà mai da nessuna parte. Aumenta solo la vostra infelicità.
13. Tutti noi meritiamo la nostra pace.
Divorziare da tua moglie = stare fuori dalla sua vita privata.
That means you can’t keep showing up to her workplace or sending her testi tossici . You can’t go through her stuff or stalk her social media accounts.
She may have been yours, but she isn’t anymore, and you have to respect her choice.
You both lead new lives now. What’s going on in hers shouldn’t concern you anymore.
Quindi, la prossima volta che iniziate agire in modo possessivoSe non avete mai avuto un'idea di cosa fare, se non controllare la lista dei suoi follower su Instagram o chiedere in giro del suo nuovo fidanzato, fatevi questa domanda:
Why am I wasting my time doing this for someone who doesn’t care about me anymore?
Niente di quello che fai cambierà le cose. Questi confini malsani con l'ex moglie non possono che rendervi più infelici.
Come stabilire dei limiti con l'ex moglie?
Se volete risolvere i confini malsani con l'ex moglie, date un'occhiata ai seguenti consigli:
1. Cambiare la propria mentalità.
This is the most important step. You need to sit down and feel your emotions. Cry your heart out if you must because keeping it inside won’t help you.
Ma, se vi permettete di essere emotivamente vulnerabile, you’ll be able to see things more clearly.
You’ll be able to admit that your marriage is history now. You are only an EX-HUSBAND to her, and there’s no point in going back to your old life.
You aren’t together anymore, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Obsessing over the old times can only bring you pain. It’s time to stop reopening the same vecchia ferita.
2. Say what’s on your mind.
You can’t just make up boundaries in your head. Since they concern your ex-wife, you have to actually let her know what you want and need.
She’s not a mind reader. She can’t respect your boundaries unless you clearly state them.
Cosa vi va bene di lei? Cosa non potreste mai accettare?
Pensateci un po' e poi chiamatela. Ma ricordate anche che questo gioco va fatto in due. Chiedetele quali sono i suoi limiti.
Maybe your new girlfriend is a bad stepmom to her children. When a stepparent is a negative influence, you can’t blame your ex-spouse for interfering.
If you happen to have a blended family, make sure to remember that the children aren’t only yours. Your ex, too, has the right to make the decisions.
La comunicazione è fondamentale. Dalla rabbia o dalla rabbia non scaturisce mai nulla di buono. comportamento passivo-aggressivo.
Per la prima volta, siate onesti l'uno con l'altro riguardo alle vostre esigenze (sempre mantenendo le distanze!), e sarete finalmente in grado di mantenere un rapporto di fiducia con l'altro. relazione sana.
3. Don’t get too close…
You might think that being friendly with your ex-spouse in the post-divorce period is the mature thing to do, but you’re looking at it the wrong way…
Yes, not arguing when you get together IS mature, but this is more about your mental health than your maturity. You have to do what’s right for YOU.
Ogni volta che vi avvicinate al vostro ex coniuge, sarete più legati l'uno all'altro e sarà ancora più difficile dimenticarla.
Quindi, se proprio dovete rimanere in contatto, dimenticate la vostra relazione passata. Immaginate che la persona che avete di fronte sia un vicino di casa che conoscete appena.
Talk about what you have to talk about and move on with your lives. Trust me, that’s best for your own well-being.
Smettere di rivedere il passato
Avete finalmente ammesso a voi stessi di avere confini malsani con l'ex moglie? Siete pronti a stabilire nuovi limiti e a prendervi cura della vostra salute mentale?
So che le vecchie abitudini sono dure a morire, ma dovete prendere il controllo della vostra vita, il che significa lasciar andare il passato.
It might be easier said than done, but you can start by refusing to look back. By this, I don’t mean ”You can’t think about it” but rather ”When you think about it, don’t act on it.”
Siete più forti di quanto pensiate.
