Limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher (13 tipos + como corrigi-los)
Sei que provavelmente tem dificuldade em admitir para si próprio que tem limites pouco saudáveis com a sua ex-mulher. Afinal de contas, vocês já foram casados.
Como é que não podes estar perto dela? Como é que a podes deixar completamente?
Todas estas perguntas são válidas. Mas esqueceu-se de perguntar a si próprio a mais importante:
O que é que seria melhor para a minha saúde mental? Como é que as minhas decisões em relação à minha ex-mulher terão impacto noutras áreas da minha vida? Como é que eu defino limites saudáveis?
Encontrará as respostas a todas estas perguntas nos parágrafos seguintes.
13 tipos de limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher
Quer saber se tem limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher? Confira os 13 comportamentos tóxicos abaixo para ser claro:
1. A raiva é inútil.
O destruição do divórcio is real. One partner usually blames the other for the problems that led to it. But, addressing the issue isn’t the same as constant fighting.
When you want to solve the problem, you don’t care about being right. You only want peace in the marriage again.
But, if you argue only for the sake of arguing, that’s something you need to fix.
Porquê? Por duas razões:
1. Whatever issues made you separate don’t even matter now. You already made up your mind that o divórcio era a vossa única opção.
2. Since you aren’t together anymore, as guilty as the other person is, you can’t play the blame game anymore.
That’s an obvious example of unhealthy boundaries with ex-wife. If your angry outbursts happen too often, that’s even outright emotional abuse.
It doesn’t matter whose fault it is anymore. What’s done is done.
2. Jealousy won’t bring her back.
Do you meddle with your ex-wife’s new partner or vice versa?
If so, let me remind you that you decided to end things. You signed the divorce papers. You don’t owe each other any explanations anymore.
I know it’s hard to ignore your spouse while you’re separated e de o ver com outra pessoa, mas ambos fizeram a vossa escolha de se separarem.
Of course, it’s going to hurt, but that doesn’t mean that you have any right to openly complain about it.
Suffer in silence… until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Trust me, acts of jealousy aren’t good for either of you.
Instead of getting angry, try finding a new girlfriend yourself. But, make sure that it’s not an relação de ricochete pouco saudável. Devias gostar dela por ELA.
3. We weren’t made for only one love story.
Se der demasiado espaço à sua ex-mulher na sua cabeça, as coisas vão acabar por ficar feias.
You need to convince yourself that she’s in your past now. Learn to appreciate the memories without letting them control you.
If you focus on what you had with her, you’ll never allow yourself to see someone else as an ideal new girlfriend.
O seu casamento acaboupor isso, porque não dar um nova relação uma hipótese?
Sabe quanto tempo pode perder se continuar a agarrar-se a ela?
What if your ideal person is right under your nose, but you can’t see them because you’re stuck somewhere you no longer belong?
Pensem nisto durante algum tempo.
4. Away from the eyes, away from the heart…
Well, not really… but constant chatting isn’t going to help either!
Como é que se espera seguir em frente da sua ex-mulher, se estão sempre a falar um com o outro?
Quanto mais falarem, mais difícil será para vocês encontrarem outra pessoa. Podem ter-se divorciado por uma boa razão, mas (presumo eu) há provavelmente anos cheios de amor atrás de vocês.
No matter how much they hurt you, it’s not easy to forget someone you’ve lived with for so long.
Faça um favor ao seu coração e deixe de falar com eles mais do que deve. Ligue-lhes apenas se for REALMENTE necessário, mas, caso contrário, afaste-se.
Por vezes, pode procurar inconscientemente razões válidas para os contactar (o que é um sinal de ligação pouco saudável!), por isso aconselho-o a prestar atenção a esse facto.
Every time you feel tempted, ask yourself: ”But do I need to do this? Can’t I solve this on my own?”
Acredita em mim, quanto mais longe estiverem de ti, mais depressa te curarás.
5. If you can’t kill the connection, at least don’t deepen it.
Your ex-wife has been with you through thick and thin. Understandably, she’s the first person you’d like to call in times of need.
No entanto, AGIR de acordo com esse desejo é uma coisa completamente diferente.
If you keep reaching out to her, you won’t ever get her out of your head. You need to learn how to não se aproximar dela e depender de outras pessoas.
When someone helps you deal with a problem, you get attached to them. It’s only natural. So, you can imagine what a problem that is when your EX-WIFE is in the picture.
No matter how tempting it is to call her, solve your issue on your own. It’s not fair to drag her into your world again.
She’ll probably be glad to help you, and then you’ll create a never-ending cycle of a relação tóxica.
Sim, isso seria tóxico. Se achas que ser assim tão próximo da tua ex-mulher é normal e giro, pensa outra vez.
6. Deixar o passado no passado.
Chatting with your ex-wife is bad enough, but if your conversations revolve around your past, that’s a recipe for disaster!
Se, por alguma razão, tiverem de se manter em contacto, optem por temas mais leves. Conversa fiada, uma ou duas piadas, ou simplesmente tratar dos assuntos que têm de resolver em conjunto.
The shorter the visits, the better because there’s no need to stir up memories of past happiness.
If you keep reminding yourselves of how good it was, it’s only going to be harder to deixar ir.
Treating them as a stranger is even more awkward if you’ve ended on good terms, but that’s precisely why you have to be careful.
You divorced for a reason. In your eyes, it was obviously unforgivable. Don’t let love blind you.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you.
I know that’s the biggest lesson I learned, and I hope it’ll help you, too!
7. Sex isn’t always ‘just sex.’
To you, sex might seem harmless and fun, but if you’re doing it with your ex-wife, it’s anything BUT.
This is someone you used to live with, someone you genuinely loved. It’s impossible to just turn your emotions off.
If anything, they can only become stronger. When you’re already emotionally attached to someone, physical intimacy brings you closer together.
Don’t play this game. If you want to be with her, you shouldn’t have signed the papers in the first place. Satisfy your sexual desire elsewhere…unless this isn’t about sexual desire at all…
Seja honesto consigo próprio sobre o que quer. Só então será capaz de fazer algo a esse respeito.
8. Abandonar os antigos papéis.
Então, deixa-me ver se percebi bem. Decidiram divorciar-se um do outro, mas continuam a agir como marido e mulher?
Esta é a definição de limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher.
If you both agreed on separation, you can’t have the same demands as when you were together.
Before, you were two individuals involved together. You both had wants and needs the other person had to take into consideration. That’s what partnership is all about.
O que tens de perceber é que isto já não é uma parceria. Agir como se fosse é uma caraterística tóxica que precisa de trabalhar.
Pode ter-se divorciado legalmente da sua ex-mulher, mas ainda precisa de trabalhar na separação mental.
9. If someone decides to leave you, let them…
It can’t get worse than this. If you are so hung up on your ex-wife (or vice versa) that you use the court to stay close to them, you really need to do some soul searching.
This isn’t only about you. You are actually affecting the life of another human being.
You refuse to disengage from her and ruin her chance at happiness due to your selfish love. Yes, I’m sorry, but if you genuinely loved her, you wouldn’t treat her this way.
If you see that she’s doing fine without you, then cortá-la. You can use the legal system against her as much you’d like, but that will only create resentment.
In a desire to keep her close, you’ll only drive her further away. Is that what you really want?
On the other hand, if you want some sort of revenge, isn’t it better to use your time to build a vida mais feliz para si próprio? Porquê perder tempo com uma relação arruinada?
Sejam quais forem as suas razões, a pessoa mais prejudicada, no final, é VOCÊ!
10. Your children aren’t toys.
Haverá um exemplo mais desagradável de limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher do que usar a vossa relação de co-parentalidade para se vingarem um do outro?
Maybe you’re talking negatively about her all the time and turning your kids against her. Or maybe she’s seeking child support and alimony not for her kids’ sake but out of anger?
Do you even realize what you’re doing? Instead of being a good and loving parent, you see your children as pawns in a game of revenge.
Remember – they exist for you to LOVE.
If you’re still resentful towards your ex-wife, why not talk to her about it? If it’s too awkward, there’s always a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist.
But, please, leave the kids out of it. Don’t give them trauma. Even if they’re not fully aware of what’s going on, it has an impact on them.
Divorce is hard enough for them. Don’t make it even harder.
11. Be a good parent… for a good reason.
You’re using your own children again, but this time, in a more “loving” manner.
O que é que isso significa?
Bem, basicamente, trata-os bem pelas razões erradas.
You don’t really care about raising them properly. You don’t care about being a good parent. You care about being BETTER than the other parent.
It’s all a competition to you. You don’t know any other way to take out your anger on your ex-wife.
Actions don’t matter. Motives do. Treat your children well not out of resentment but out of love.
The world didn’t come to an end. It was only your marriage that ended. Your little ones still need you.
12. És responsável pela tua própria felicidade.
Yes, your ex-wife may have ruined your marriage, but she didn’t ruin your whole life.
O que tem de compreender é o seguinte:
Other people aren’t responsible for your happiness.
Quando eles te magoam, eles SÃO os culpados, mas TU és responsável pela sua própria recuperação.
You won’t accomplish anything by blaming your ex-wife. You will only feed your negative feelings until they drive you insane.
It’s understandable if you’re angry. You have every right to be angry. But, that’s not the emotion that deserves your full attention.
Escolher o amor. Escolha o autocuidado. Escolha o auto-aperfeiçoamento.
A mentalidade de vítima não nos leva a lado nenhum. Só aumenta a sua miséria.
13. Todos nós merecemos a nossa paz.
Divorciar-se da sua mulher = não se meter na vida pessoal dela.
That means you can’t keep showing up to her workplace or sending her textos tóxicos . You can’t go through her stuff or stalk her social media accounts.
She may have been yours, but she isn’t anymore, and you have to respect her choice.
You both lead new lives now. What’s going on in hers shouldn’t concern you anymore.
Por isso, da próxima vez que começar agir de forma possessivaAo verificar a sua lista de seguidores no Instagram ou ao perguntar sobre o seu novo namorado, faça a si próprio esta pergunta:
Why am I wasting my time doing this for someone who doesn’t care about me anymore?
Nada do que fizeres vai mudar alguma coisa. Estes limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher só o vão tornar mais infeliz.
Como estabelecer limites com a ex-mulher?
Se quiser corrigir limites pouco saudáveis com a ex-mulher, dê uma vista de olhos às dicas que se seguem:
1. Mude a sua mentalidade.
This is the most important step. You need to sit down and feel your emotions. Cry your heart out if you must because keeping it inside won’t help you.
Mas, se te permitires ser emocionalmente vulnerável, you’ll be able to see things more clearly.
You’ll be able to admit that your marriage is history now. You are only an EX-HUSBAND to her, and there’s no point in going back to your old life.
You aren’t together anymore, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Obsessing over the old times can only bring you pain. It’s time to stop reopening the same ferida antiga.
2. Say what’s on your mind.
You can’t just make up boundaries in your head. Since they concern your ex-wife, you have to actually let her know what you want and need.
She’s not a mind reader. She can’t respect your boundaries unless you clearly state them.
O que é que aceita em relação a ela? O que é que nunca poderia aceitar?
Pense nisso um pouco e depois ligue-lhe. Mas lembre-se também de que este jogo deve ser jogado a dois. Pergunte-lhe quais são os seus próprios limites.
Maybe your new girlfriend is a bad stepmom to her children. When a stepparent is a negative influence, you can’t blame your ex-spouse for interfering.
If you happen to have a blended family, make sure to remember that the children aren’t only yours. Your ex, too, has the right to make the decisions.
A comunicação é fundamental. Nada de bom resulta da raiva ou da comportamento passivo-agressivo.
Pela primeira vez, sejam honestos um com o outro sobre as vossas necessidades (mantendo sempre a distância!), e conseguirão finalmente manter uma relação saudável.
3. Don’t get too close…
You might think that being friendly with your ex-spouse in the post-divorce period is the mature thing to do, but you’re looking at it the wrong way…
Yes, not arguing when you get together IS mature, but this is more about your mental health than your maturity. You have to do what’s right for YOU.
Cada vez que se aproxima do seu ex-cônjuge, fica mais ligado um ao outro e será ainda mais difícil esquecê-lo.
Por isso, se tem mesmo de manter o contacto, esqueça a sua relação passada. Imagine que a pessoa que está à sua frente é um vizinho que mal conhece.
Talk about what you have to talk about and move on with your lives. Trust me, that’s best for your own well-being.
Parar de revisitar o passado
Admitiu finalmente para si próprio que tem limites pouco saudáveis com a sua ex-mulher? Está pronto para estabelecer novos limites e cuidar melhor da sua saúde mental?
Sei que os velhos hábitos custam a morrer, mas é preciso assumir o controlo da nossa própria vida, o que significa deixar o passado para trás.
It might be easier said than done, but you can start by refusing to look back. By this, I don’t mean ”You can’t think about it” but rather ”When you think about it, don’t act on it.”
És mais forte do que pensas.
