You screwed things up. And you screwed them up badly.
You cheated, snuck behind your partner’s back, violated their trust, and broke their heart in a million pieces. And they found out about it.
Naturally, they want you out of their life and heart. However, you realized your mistake and are ready to do everything in your power to make them forgive you.
Well, this is what usually happens when someone cheats on their loved one.
You understand the consequences of your actions, and you beg for another chance to make things right.
So, how do you do it exactly? Do you write an apology letter in which you simply say “I’m sorry”? Do you keep on texting and calling your significant other until their anger goes away?
Or do you try putting all the blame on them? Do you justify yourself and use false excuses for your behavior?
How to apologise for cheating? Well, you’re about to find out.
Just follow the steps below, and find the best way out of this situation. Good luck!
1. Cut ties with the third person
Before taking any action towards making things right, first and foremost you have to break up with your affair partner.
You don’t necessarily have to fight with them, but you can’t stay best friends either.
However, if they are your coworker or some other person you can’t kick out of your life completely, reduce your contact to the bare minimum. There is no texting, no phone calls, no spending time together…
You can’t expect your partner to be okay with the fact that you still hang out with someone you cheated on them with, and you certainly can’t expect to get another chance in those circumstances.
Nevertheless, you shouldn’t blame your lover for anything that has happened either.
Of course, it is never okay to be the third person, but they didn’t force you to become a cheater, no matter what they did.
You were the one who made this choice, so there is no need to pick fights with them and consider them guilty for your mistakes.
Besides, your partner could interpret your communication wrongly and could conclude that you still have feelings for this person as soon as you have the need to seek closure with them.
Therefore, the best thing you can do is to stop all possible contact with this person.
Naturally, you’re not ignoring them to get their attention: you’re doing it because it is the only right thing to do.
Be radical: block their social media profiles, block their number, and stop appearing in the places in which you know you might encounter them.
You shouldn’t be doing this to prove something to your partner either: you should make this move only because you’ve realized that this was an awful mistake and because you want this person out of your life.
Don’t wait until you’re sure that your significant other will take you back to cut your lover off.
Instead, go no contact before you even give it a shot with them and even before you start with the apologizing process.
Trust me—this is the only way for them to see that you’re serious and that you’re really sorry about everything you did.
2. Understand why you did it
The next step doesn’t have a lot to do with your significant other: it is something you have to do on your own.
For starters, start analyzing your relationship problems, and try figuring out why you did all of this.
This is one of the first questions you’ll be asked when you confront your partner, so it is better to have an answer ready.
What did you miss in your relationship that you tried searching somewhere else?
Did you feel emotionally neglected? Or you were trying to pay back your loved one for something they did in the past?
Did your relationship fall into a rut? Were you looking for butterflies and the excitement you haven’t been getting for some time?
Did you try to make a point and prove to yourself that you still have what it takes to win someone of the opposite sex over?
Or you were just not thinking straight and don’t even know why you did it?
Even when you get to the bottom of each one of these questions, they don’t free you from guilt.
It doesn’t matter what was going on in your relationship: cheating is never an option.
If your relationship was going through some hard times, you should have acted like a mature adult and put an effort into sorting things out.
If you saw that you two as a couple were doomed to fail, you could have walked away in time instead of doing all of this.
No matter what your partner did to you and how they treated you, this is never a way to resolve your relationship problems or to make them change.
Another thing you should think about are your feelings towards your affair partner.
Was it nothing besides passion or did you fall in love with them?
Did you break things off with them out of fear that you’ll lose your relationship or marriage, which are way more permanent and secure or did you really understand that you were making a mistake?
3. Decide if the relationship is worth fighting for
After you’ve gotten all the answers, it is time to look at your relationship as realistically as possible.
Is it really worth fighting for, and is there a possibility of you two working things out after this disaster?
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not trying to justify your affair in any way, but it is more than clear that something was off in your relationship as long as you cheated. Well, is this something that can be fixed?
Do you and your significant other have the strength and the ability to turn over a new page and to start over, without ever looking back?
Or will this entire effort be pointless because deep down, you’re perfectly aware that you can’t succeed?
Do you expect your partner to pay you back when the first opportunity arises? Will they be able to truly forgive you for everything?
Are you done with your affairs? Do you sincerely think that you won’t repeat the same mistake at the first glance of trouble?
Do you two love each other enough to make things work, despite this betrayal and humiliation?
Are you ready to do whatever it takes just to have this person back?
If you’re trying to rebuild your broken relationship just out of habit and nostalgia and are not sure that you won’t engage in another affair soon, please give up in time.
You hurt this person enough, and the last thing they need is you backstabbing them again.
However, if you think that this is something worth fighting for and your partner is your soulmate, repent and do whatever it takes for them to take you back.
4. Provide a detailed explanation
When you’re trying to figure out how to apologize for cheating and lying, you have to be ready to be interrogated by your partner.
After all, they won’t forgive you just like that, without finding out everything they’re interested in.
Don’t lie and don’t make excuses because that will just make them even more angry.
Don’t try making them a fool—just be as honest as possible.
Of course, you won’t talk about some sexual details, but you shouldn’t wrap things up in a shiny paper either.
Besides, be aware that your partner probably knows a lot more than you might think, so don’t let them catch you lying again.
After all, you’ve already done enough, so getting another strike against yourself is the last thing you need.
When your significant other asks you why you cheated, tell them the truth.
Be sincere about how long your affair lasted, if it was a real relationship or just a casual fling, if it was just sex or there were emotions involved, if this happened for the first time ever or you kept on doing it, and any other information they want to know.
I know you’re trying to spare them, but believe me when I tell you that coming clean is the only way to start over without any emotional baggage from the past.
Remember: the truth cannot be hidden, and your significant other will find out everything sooner or later.
Therefore, it is always better for you to be the one who tells them everything.
You need to finish this thing once and for all instead of sweeping it under the rug and constantly worrying when it will reappear.
I’ll be harsh here, but I don’t care if you’re ashamed to talk about all of this.
Yes, I know that you would rather skip this topic, but you weren’t ashamed when you were fooling around, so now is the time to man (or woman) up and stand by your actions.
At first, wanting to know all of this sounds masochistic. However, if having all the necessary information will help your partner feel more in control and eventually forgive you, it’s what you have to do.
They just want to know everything they’re dealing with, and they’re testing your honesty.
5. Take full responsibility
Repeat after me: “I’m the only one guilty for everything that went on, and I’m sorry.
Nobody forced or manipulated me into committing adultery, and no matter what was going in my relationship at that moment, I’m the one who is guilty.”
There are not just the words you should tell your partner to make them forgive you and take you back.
This really is the truth, and something you have to start believing in before telling it to anyone.
It doesn’t matter if you had a long-lasting affair or you had a one-night-stand with someone while you were wasted or in a fight with your significant other: your sin is the same.
You’re an adult, and you consciously chose to do the wrong thing, without thinking about how your partner feels.
You’re responsible for cheating, for humiliating and hurting your partner, and for destroying everything the two of you have been building for years.
Responsible for all the traumas and scars all of this might leave on them, for their trust issues and for them questioning their worth.
You carry full responsibility for their every tear and heartache. So, you’re the only one who should be judged.
The worst thing you could even think of doing is engaging in the blame game.
Don’t plan on getting away with your misdeeds by accusing your partner of not giving you their undivided attention, of not loving you enough or of not treating you the way you deserved.
They are the victims here, and the victim is never guilty!
As was already stated, you could have tried changing the situation or leaving it, but out of all the options, you chose cheating—like a real coward.
Also, remember that you ought to be sorry for everything you did—not for getting caught.
Apologize to your partner and be the bigger person for your misdeeds, not because they found out.
Do it because it is the right thing and because you want to—not because it is expected of you and not because it is something you should do in this type of situation.
If it’s necessary, write a sincere apology letter and put all of your feelings on a piece of paper.
For example, start with telling them “I’m sorry for what I did and I promise I’ll never do it again.”
This is a good idea even if your fiance or spouse refuses to hear you out: just send them an apology letter to let them know how you feel.
6. Apologize without any expectations
You and your partner have been through a lot and have spent a significant amount of time next to each other.
You two had big plans and shared deep emotions.
It doesn’t matter what happened later on—the fact is that at one point, this was the reality of your relationship.
Even if there is no trace of romantic feelings between the two of you now, you two were a thing, and you have a history together.
Therefore, your relationship and everything you guys have been through together deserve respect, and they deserve your sincere apology.
Have in mind that you are a cheater and that your partner doesn’t have to give you a second chance. In fact, they have every right to forgive you but not want you back in their life.
That is why you have to apologize without any expectations.
Tell them straightforwardly that you know you’re in no position to make any demands and that you just want them to know how terribly sorry you are for causing them this pain and for destroying your romance.
Don’t even think of insulting them or changing your story even if you see that they have no intention of forgiving you.
They’re not the bad guy here, and you’re the one who needs to stay humble until the end because you’re the one who made an awful mistake.
Also, make sure you apologize in private. Avoid writing apology letters and posting them on social media or involving your mutual friends in all of this because they won’t help you.
7. Give them time
When you hurt someone, you can’t expect one sincere apology to magically erase everything you did and fix things overnight.
People need time to process things, to accept them and finally, to decide whether you deserve their forgiveness or not.
And your partner is no exception. Being a cheater is terrible, and it is natural for them to ask you to stay away for a certain period of time until they think everything through and go through the process of affair recovery.
So, don’t demand an answer right away simply because they can’t give you one.
Even if your significant other already knows what the outcome will be but wants to torture you a little bit, it is what you deserve—as awful as it might sound.
Give them as much time as they need to come to a decision. On the other hand, if you’re not ready to wait, tell them straightforwardly, and try setting a date by which they will give you their final answer.
Use this period of time to work on rebuilding trust. Don’t be a stalker and don’t push them too hard, but let them know that you’re there and that you’re not going anywhere.
Show them that you really will change and that you’ll do whatever it takes for their forgiveness.
If nothing else, be their best friend and someone they can count on, despite everything that went on.
Don’t even think of dating other people during this time, let alone getting back in touch with your lover.
Yes, you will be officially single, but that doesn’t give you the right to fool around while you’re allegedly trying to rebuild your relationship.
8. Be ready for the worst case scenario
I will be straight with you: don’t expect too much out of this. Don’t get your hopes up because there is a big possibility of your partner choosing not to forgive and sending you to hell.
So, this is something you simply have to get yourself ready for. Actually, this is something you should have been prepared for since the moment you decided to engage in this affair.
Not only that—your significant other might insult you, call you names, and refuse to even give you an opportunity to explain yourself.
Even if the worst thing happens and you two break up, remember that it is your fault and that you’re the one who caused it.
I’m not saying not to put all your efforts in apologizing—I’m just introducing you to all of your options, so you don’t start acting all surprised if they cut all ties and kick you out of their life, as if you were never a part of it.
However, even if this occurs, at least you’ll always know you didn’t give up without a decent fight.
Despite the outcome, you’ll know that you did everything you could and that you gave it your best.
Of course, if you have any conscience, this won’t help you a lot. You’ll still have to live with yourself and with the fact that you are the one who blew things.
However, if your partner decides to forgive you, don’t forget to appreciate it more than anything and finally put them in first place in your life.
Don’t see it as a green light to keep on hurting them, and don’t take them for a fool just because they decided to give you another chance.
9. Don’t expect everything to be the same
When you break a plate, it crushes into a million pieces. And when you glue it back together and try to make it whole again, scars remain forever.
Well, that is exactly what will happen with your relationship and your significant other’s heart, even if they accept your apology and decide to take you back.
The harsh truth is that things will never be the same, and you shouldn’t expect them to be.
The trust you two had was violated, and your entire romance was put in danger.
Everything you two had and all the love you shared is in question, so don’t think that your partner will start acting like nothing has happened just like that.
I’m not saying that you should spend a lifetime apologizing for your affair.
After all, if your loved one decides to forgive you, there is no point in bringing the subject up everyday or holding grudges.
In this case scenario, it is better for them to be honest from the start and tell you that they can’t continue living next to you then to make your future a living hell and a torture for both of you. Nevertheless, be aware that this experience changed them for good.
It will take you years to get back their trust and for them to truly forget the pain you put them through because it will take them years to really heal from it.
When someone cheats on you, you need a lot of time to heal, to regain your self-esteem, and to get over it.
And a lot of people don’t succeed in accomplishing all of this is hard work.
Of course, miracles are always possible. There is a chance that this event will strengthen your relationship, as crazy as it might sound.
Don’t see this as a sign that you should continue being unfaithful to revive the passion in your romance, but the fact is that some couples start loving each other even more after their relationship successfully survives an affair.
The fear of losing one another makes them correct their mistakes and makes them appreciate everything they share even more.
Basically, you can never be sure what will happen and can only hope for this second option to occur.
Either way, nothing will ever be the same—there is no doubt about that.
10. Take counseling into consideration
Forgiving a cheating spouse, rebuilding trust, and saving a relationship after an affair is hard work. However, it can be done.
A lot of people are willing to work things out, but they simply don’t manage to do so, despite all their efforts.
They’re simply unable to find common ground but are sure that they want to give a second chance to their relationship.
Sometimes, the cheating spouse refuses to take full responsibility or can’t give an answer to why he or she committed adultery.
Or the other person can’t find the strength to forgive the cheater, even though they want to, and keep on resenting their partner after taking them back.
In a situation where you’re trying to figure out how to apologize after cheating and your fiance or spouse is wondering how to forgive you, the best option is to seek professional help.
This is nothing to be ashamed of: after all, there are trained experts and specialists for these situations who will give you a hand and push you in the right direction.
In fact, consider it a sign of your good luck if your partner proposes therapy and couple’s counseling.
It is a surefire sign they want to make things right and that they want you two to save this relationship with common forces.
If you two decide that this is the best option, follow the therapist’s instructions, even if you don’t like them at first.
Maybe they’ll ask you to write a letter of apology in which you’ll acknowledge everything you did and put your emotions on paper or do some other exercises which have the goal of repairing your bond.
Trust me—they know what they’re doing, and it will all be for your good and for the good of your relationship.
