Dating is hard. It’s stressful enough that you have to deal and compete with all the potential prospects to win a lady’s heart – you don’t want her ex on your list too.
The situation gets worse when her ex was a really big deal. You know, the kind of guy you also have huge respect for. He had it ALL: looks, status, power and set the bar unattainably high for any man coming next.
Gentlemen, I have some bad news, you’re dealing with an alpha widow. Then I have some good news: it doesn’t have to be a losing battle.
Let’s see how you can recognize an alpha widow and deal with this situation like the true man you are.
What Is An Alpha Widow?
An alpha widow is a woman who was engaged in a romantic or sexual relationship with a man who is considered an alpha male. The relationship ended, but her fixation on the alpha man she was dating hasn’t.
Such a relationship could last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of years and didn’t even have to be exclusive.
It could even be just a one-night stand. However, she still holds attachment to it, sometimes being completely unaware of the impact it has had on her.
The standards she holds become impossibly unrealistic for an average man to achieve. When dating other men, she compares them to the high-value man of her past, making both herself and the guy she is dating frustrated.
Longing for the alpha male and mourning the missed opportunity she had with him make her unable to move from the past.
7 Signs You Are Dating An Alpha Widow
If this is your first time experiencing such a woman, it can be confusing to understand what’s going on.
Let’s first go through some clear and obvious signs that the woman you are dating is still very much attached to the alpha man there before you.
1. Her ex is still there
Not physically, of course. But she still has his stuff around, keeps old pics and memories of him, gifts he gave her, maybe even old chats and messages.
This behavior is never a good sign, no matter the explanation it comes with.
She may say they are good friends and that she has no feelings for him. She may even say that she keeps stuff of her other exes, too (does she know she just made it worse?), so it’s not a big deal. Or she could blame it on your own insecurities.
A guy once told me he had pictures of his ex on the wall just because he was…wait for it… so indifferent to her that he didn’t even notice her pictures. Pictures on the wall next to his work desk where he spends most of his day!
They get really creative when trying to bend the truth.
Although she may come with all sorts of believable and unbelievable explanations for why she keeps his things, the truth is pretty much obvious: she’s still stuck on him.
2. She talks about him…
Next on the list of “Signs that are never good in a relationship” is talking about the ex.
When entering a new romance, it’s perfectly normal that we are very curious about the other person. Therefore, we are curious to know more about their past relationships. We also want to share a bit of our past, so we can get to know each other better.
But when mentioning the ex occasionally becomes talking about them constantly, things are not good.
If she brings up the topic of her ex more often than you are willing to discuss, chances are she is still not over him or over the whole situation the two of them had.
(I was trying to be polite. She is definitely not over him.)
3. …and to him
I’ve personally never understood why people stay in close contact with their exes. It’s not that we should completely cut off people from our pasts, especially if we ended on good terms, but what’s the point of talking to them regularly?
I doubt there are good and reasonable explanations for why people text their exes frequently, especially if they are seeing someone new.
If she keeps coming up with a variety of excuses for why she’s reaching out to her ex, it shows that she’s unable to cut the cord with him. She still needs his presence in her life.
4. She even compares you to her ex
Every podcast you listen to and that book you got from Amazon will tell you the same: this is the ultimate sign of alpha widowhood.
Comparison always kills the mood and makes people feel bad about themselves. But more importantly, it shows the secret desire of the person who is making the comparison – they crave something they don’t have at the moment.
An alpha widow is a woman who still longs to be with the alpha male long after their break up. And when she compares you to her alpha ex, she’s basically saying it out loud.
We get it – the guy was amazing, pure 11/10 on an SMV scale. You don’t beat that.
You don’t need the red-pill awareness to understand such behavior. She is obviously very much attracted and attached to him and would likely want to go back to him.
If only she had the chance.
5. It’s impossible to please her
She had a top-notch experience with the alpha male she was dating, and now she refuses to have anything other than that.
An alpha widow is very hard to please, and I don’t mean only sexually, but in every other way too. And she is very vocal and open about how unsatisfied she is.
You’ll find yourself trying hard to satisfy her needs and to do what she likes, whereas the whole time, she is thinking in silence: “I know someone who can do it better.”
Even in the healthiest relationships, it’s normal sometimes to be unsatisfied with certain aspects. Our partners are not mind-readers, and if we want them to know how to please us (again, not only erotically), we need to explain what we like.
But if your partner constantly shit-tests you while you’re trying your hardest to make them happy, then you should ask yourself what’s going on there.
It almost sounds like she doesn’t want to be with you.
6. You feel she’s not emotionally engaged
It’s hard to tell nowadays if the person we are dating is really into us or not. You may have the same confusion.
She seems emotionally distant, but aren’t all modern women like that?
Hell no, they are not.
If you feel that she’s not engaging emotionally and your relationship is mostly physical, it’s probably because it is.
Her mind is still focused on her ex alpha guy, and she still holds attachment to him.
7. She keeps her options open
If the person you are dating is not exactly what you dreamed of, you may not want to leave the situation, but you’ll keep your options open. You are not in love, but you don’t want to be completely alone. So you stay until something better comes along.
I’m saying “you” because I’m sure everyone has been in that situation at least once. It happened to me, and I’m sure it’s happened to you. Sadly, now it’s happening to the girl you are dating.
If she keeps herself available, it means she’s not really into you. She may not openly flirt with guys and go on dates behind your back, but she’ll appear single. For instance, she will not post about you on social media.
If you have the feeling that she is not completely sure about your relationship, it could mean she’s still thinking about her ex.
See also: 5 Signs A Widower Is Serious About Your Relationship
Dealing With An Alpha Widow: 4 Tips & Tricks
The term alpha widow can create some fear in you, I’m sure. This woman is savage, or at least sounds so.
Let’s break the misconception about her being dangerous. She is not a black widow or anything like that. She is just a woman unable to deal with her past.
She most probably is not even aware of how she behaves. Let’s now see what you can do when you find yourself dating such a woman:
1. Decide what you want from her
Are you enjoying the physical part of your relationship without thinking about the future? Or have you caught feelings and hope to develop a long-term relationship?
If you want nothing more than a fling, then there’s no need to bother about whether she thinks about someone else or not. Be open with her about what you want, and if it goes both ways, enjoy the pleasure and don’t worry too much.
But if the situation is more serious, and you’ve grown a genuine desire for her, then proceed to number two.
2. Don’t take things personally
This is super important to always keep in mind since your ego will be hurt many times. If you let your wounded ego take the lead, your relationship will become toxic with no prospect of success.
I’m not saying you should tolerate anything unhealthy and abusive and that you don’t feel ok with in general. But if you’ve already decided to give it a try, you should try to understand the situation from the perspective of the rational male.
Her being unable to get over her ex doesn’t have anything to do with you. Really, it’s not you – it’s her. It doesn’t mean you are not a high-value man, too, because you probably are.
3. Be ready to grow
An alpha widow is a woman unable to overcome traumas and unresolved issues from the past that keep her stuck on the guy that had the greatest impact on her.
When we see it from that perspective, then it is clear that this woman needs healing. In order to be open to new love, she first needs to heal from the past.
If you decide to be with such a woman, you first need to start your own healing process and transformation.
When you get rid of the toxic patterns you have (it’s ok, we all do), old traumas, and pain you have inside you, you’ll also be able to help others heal.
4. Be your true authentic self
Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself with her ex or anybody else. You’ll never manage to be like him, not because you are not a high-value man, but because her standards are not realistic.
You could also be an alpha man, but if you are constantly trying to be like somebody else, you won’t see all the amazing characteristics you have.
And she won’t see them either.
So if you want to get her attention and affection, you need to show more of your unique qualities. Instead of copying the old, give her something different from what she had (and is not able to heal from). Show her your uniqueness and all the richness of your being.
Some would say women are prone to hypergamous behavior, and they’ll always try to find the best and most successful males on the market. Whether I agree with this is not important, but I’ll tell you this: if you want to be the best, then believe that you are.
Happily Ever After With An Alpha Widow: Is It Possible?
Although it may seem impossible, having a healthy, loving, and committed relationship with an alpha widow is something you can achieve with a little work (inner and outer), effort, and lots of love and patience.
First, she needs to be ready for growth and transformation. Then it’s very crucial that you act from a healed state of mind. If you do that, you’ll be able to overcome all the troubles and achieve a happy and harmonious relationship.
But you must be aware that dealing with someone who has not healed from their past traumas is a draining and energy-consuming experience. If you are dealing with your own issues or don’t have enough self-confidence, rethink pursuing the relationship.
See also: First Relationship After Being Widowed: 11 Tips To Make It Work
The term “alpha widow” shines quite an unflattering light on a woman with a wound from a past relationship.
An alpha widow is just like everybody else who deserves to be loved and cared for. The only difference is that due to her personal trauma and learned patterns, she is not able to overcome situations from the past.
Doesn’t that make us all an alpha widow in some way? Are we sure we’ve healed our traumas?