“I hate my husband.” If every woman was given a dime every time she uttered this sentence, she would be richer than Oprah by now.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. Marriage is tough. At first, everything seems like a fairytale, and then, “all of a sudden,” you wake up in the middle of a nightmare called marriage.
Okay, maybe I over-exaggerated it, but you get the idea. (Well, I hope you do. ?)
You start wondering: Why don’t happy marriages come with instructions? Why do you suddenly hate your spouse when you’re supposed to be madly in love with them?
Here’s the harsh reality: It’s impossible to live with someone without occasionally hating them. Period.
The problem arises when you hate your spouse every single day of your life and have no idea why or what to do about it. If that’s what’s happening to you at the moment, I’m glad that you “landed” here.
Today is your lucky day! (No, this is not one of those commercial tactics to persuade you to buy something.)
Today you’ll learn about all the possible reasons why you hate your husband, signs of a bad husband (I’m really excited about this one), and what to do about it.
Also, we’ll go through some signs that will help you realize whether your marriage is over (or not).
Have an imaginary drink on me (I’m sure you need one), and let’s get started!
Is Hating Your Husband Normal?
Yes, it’s completely normal to hate your husband from time to time (or all the time). Here’s why.
We often tend to misinterpret the word “hate” and use it incorrectly. Whenever something bad happens to us, we immediately think, OMG, I hate this woman/man. I hate this situation. I hate this weather. I hate this city. I hate this cake.
As you’ve probably noticed, we tend to overuse the word “hate” for the sake of expressing our annoyance and other negative feelings. So, when you say that you hate your husband, this doesn’t mean that you don’t love him anymore or that he doesn’t love you. Well, if you notice other signs he doesn’t you anymore, then you can start suspecting that it is true.
Otherwise, when you say that you hate your husband it means that, for some reason, you find him annoying. So, there’s no reason to blame yourself when you start feeling like this.
These feelings of annoyance usually pass through time once your husband changes or once you change your mindset.
Well, sometimes these feelings of hatred last for longer, and that’s a red flag that something in your marriage needs a serious makeover or has come to an end.
I Hate My Husband: 15 Possible Reasons Why You Hate Him
Your marriage is in a rut
You no longer surprise each other with little things, there are no romantic gestures, and you can’t remember the last time you said something nice to each other.
You know your marriage is in a rut when the biggest romantic gesture you make for each other is bringing toilet paper in case of emergency, aka “no toilet paper in the house.” ?♀️
Be honest with yourself. When was the last time you went on a trip or did something new like joining a new class? If you can’t remember, then you know your marriage is in a rut.
“Surprisingly,” this is one of the most common reasons why spouses start hating each other. You don’t really start hating your husband, but you start hating your boring marriage.
Perhaps your husband is totally okay with all this, and he’s happy to only watch movies with you for the rest of his life (or do nothing), and that’s why you hate him even more.
Guess what? You’re totally right about it!
Now that you know where the problem lies, it’s time to do something about it. Talk to your husband about it, suggest doing new things, and bring the old spark back into your relationship.
There’s no reciprocity
Whenever he needs support, you’re there. When he needs help with something, you stop what you’re doing only to assist him. You’re the only one who still says I love you from time to time.
You know a marriage lacks reciprocity when one person feels like they’re doing everything in a relationship without getting anything in return.
Once frustration and resentment build up, hating your husband seems logical. If your husband thinks that he’s always right and is not willing to even consider your opinions, then you know your marriage is not equal.
What you need to do is show him that you’re not happy with that. Stop doing things for him until he starts appreciating it and reciprocating.
Compromising is a long lost art
Before, you would consider each other’s feelings and ideas, but today, you fight over every single thing only to avoid compromising. Perhaps you’re the one who is willing to compromise, but he’s not cooperating.
And then you ask yourself: Why do I hate my husband? Obviously, you hate him because he’s not even trying to let you know that your opinion matters too.
If one spouse thinks and behaves like they’re always right, you can forget about equality in a relationship. Constant fights over trivial things are not a solution either.
So, what can you do about it?
I suggest baby steps and starting with small things. For example, if you don’t know how to arrange pictures on the wall, find a solution that will result in compromising. Then switch to bigger things and apply the same method.
Lack of respect
I still remember one of the best pieces of relationship advice given to me by my best friend: Without respect, you have nothing.
If you ask me, respect is a synonym for love. When partners don’t respect each other, they allow themselves to behave how they want without taking responsibility for their actions.
Lack of respect is one of the biggest marriage destroyers for a reason. It’s when a partner (or both partners) don’t express gratitude for little things and when they don’t care about each other’s feelings.
If you’re feeling disrespected in a marriage, you need to let your husband know that something needs to change. Or you can trigger the hero instinct that will motivate him to be your everyday hero!
Your husband has stopped taking care of himself
They say that if you’re not in love with yourself, you cannot love others either. When one spouse stops taking care of themself, this reflects on their marriage as well.
Physical attraction is also one of the important aspects of every relationship. When your partner stops taking care of themself, it means they’ve stopped taking care of your marriage as well.
If he’s not doing anything about his physical appearance even though he should, then this is a sign of laziness and disrespect (unless it’s linked to mental health).
So, don’t be afraid to let him know how you feel about all this. Help him establish a healthy diet and an exercise routine. Inspire him to start loving himself again.
There are big differences between the two of you (that you never addressed)
Every single person has their own core values that can be cultural, spiritual, and moral. These values are a part of who you are and what you want from your life now and in the near future.
Have you ever noticed a huge gap between you and your husband’s core values? Did you ever address them?
Perhaps you desire to have kids one day, and your partner doesn’t. Or he wants you to split finances while you want it to be shared.
There are lots of other things that could turn into huge issues (if not addressed in time). So, there are three things you can do here:
- Compromise between these differences.
- Change your beliefs for the sake of your marriage.
- Go your separate ways (if you can’t find a way to make things function).
You’re (both) stressed out over other things
We live in such a stressful world that not having panic attacks on a daily basis should be considered the biggest life achievement.
It’s totally normal to be stressed out over other things outside your marriage, and when that happens, your marriage can suffer as well.
Those other things could be some of the following:
- “My husband has dementia, and I hate him.”
- You no longer spend enough time together.
- You’re overworked.
- There’s a problem in your family.
All these things can trigger the accumulation of negative thoughts and make you stressed out. That’s when you start hating each other without knowing why when in reality, you hate your hectic lifestyles.
He hurt you big time
Has your husband done something in the past? Did you have a hard time forgiving your hubby for hurting you?
It could be cheating, emotional infidelity, doing something behind your back, betraying your trust, and breaking promises.
When something like that happens, it’s normal for you to have thoughts like, I hate my husband and want a divorce.
When someone hurts you, the healing process can be tiring and long-lasting. Whatever he did to you (if he did anything), his actions have turned into resentment toward him.
You don’t know if and when you will be able to forgive him, and until then, you’ll continue hating him until something changes.
He has a habit of hurting you in little ways
Sometimes, you have to discard all your attempts at making excuses and admit that your husband is a legit jerk.
If he has a habit of hurting you in little ways, that’s why you hate him in the first place. (I’m really proud of this rhyme.)
He regularly embarrasses you in front of your friends and family. He judges your choices. He seldom (or never) supports you.
He’s causing you distress and ruining your confidence. He makes you feel like you’re incapable of taking care of yourself or doing certain tasks without his assistance.
Perhaps he’s doing all this on purpose or without knowing it. However, the effect is the same. If he does this, you shouldn’t be silent.
You need to let him know that his actions have consequences, and they impact your well-being as well as your marriage.
He’s dealing with an addiction
I hate my husband when he drinks. I can’t stand his gambling addiction or drug addiction.
If your husband is dealing with an addiction that he doesn’t try to fix, my sincere condolences. There’s nothing more exhausting than watching your loved one ruin their health and life willingly and unapologetically.
If your man is dealing with an addiction, this can become the main problem in your marriage because it can influence every single aspect of it (from finances to your relationship dynamics).
Dealing with an addiction is like having a roommate that you never see in person but you both know is there.
If your husband isn’t trying hard to get rid of this “roommate,” then you need to remind him to do so (or you can continue hating him).
You don’t get along with his family members and friends
I hate my husband’s family, and I mean it! I still vividly remember these words from my friend. She was so frustrated about her spouse’s family because they didn’t stop interfering with their marriage.
Through time, she started hating both her husband and his family members. Well, who would blame her, right? Perhaps the same thing is happening to you right now.
Do you get along with his family members and friends? Do you, at least, tolerate them? Are there some things that annoy you about them? Does your husband choose his family over you?
If you think his family and friends negatively influence his well-being and your marriage, you have every right to talk to him about it and highlight that important fact.
After all, marriage is not only a unity of two people, but both your family and friends are a part of the equation. That’s why you should work together to make things function.
He’s a bad parent
Maybe he allows your children to stay up late and sleep in the living room in front of the TV. Maybe he curses in front of them and doesn’t even try to be a good role model.
Either way, his parenting methods worry you, and that’s why you can’t help but think, I hate my husband’s parenting or co-parenting style.
I always say that being a bad parent is a matter of choice. If your husband doesn’t care about your children the way you do, you have every right to be mad at him (and hate him).
Parenting is challenging, but it’s even more difficult when only one spouse is doing everything. Let your husband know that you’re not okay with that and that you won’t tolerate him not even trying to be a damn good parent.
He’s preventing you from reaching your full potential
In a healthy relationship, both partners have enough time and space for themselves. They are allowed to unlock their full potential.
If your husband is preventing you from doing so, this might be why you hate him.
- Do you look at yourself in the mirror and nostalgically think of times when you actually knew who you are?
- Do you feel like your marriage is suffocating you?
- Do you feel like you can’t express yourself the way you want to?
If yes, then it’s time to make some changes. Suggest having more “you” time to your husband so that you can focus on things you enjoy doing.
If he really cares about you, he won’t have a problem understanding your need to work on yourself and follow your passions. If he doesn’t care about you, then you know what you ought to do.
He’s a narcissist in disguise
Yes, it’s possible to end up being married to a narcissist without even knowing it. Perhaps he used to be self-absorbed before, but it wasn’t such a big deal back then.
Now that you live together, his narcissistic personality is overshadowing his other qualities. Everything revolves around him, and you’ve become a legit “Yes woman.”
If this resonates with you, maybe you loathe him because he’s a serious narcissist in disguise. Maybe you’re being manipulated on a daily basis without even knowing it.
If he lacks empathy and only demands things from you without giving anything in return, then you know he’s one of those narcissistic souls that you need to protect yourself from.
Truth be told, even narcissists are capable of changing, but only if they want to. So, the question is: Does he want to?
He’s not the same person you fell in love with
When you think of the first time you went on a date and compare your husband with who he is now, you feel like you no longer know him.
Well, it’s normal for people to change over time, but did he change completely in a negative sense and to the extent of not recognizing him anymore?
If yes, then this might be why you hate him in the first place. He’s not the same person you fell in love with, and you’re having a hard time figuring out how to tell him this and motivate him to improve himself (if needed).
Change comes within yourself.
You can inspire him to start the process of improving himself, but you can’t do it for him.
What Are The Signs Of A Bad Husband?
One of the biggest signs of a bad husband is self-centeredness and overly controlling behavior. Sometimes, these signs are obvious, and other times, you need to pay more attention to recognize them.
If your husband acts in the following way, then you know he belongs to the ‘bad husbands’ crew:
Controlling behavior
Do you have to ask your husband for permission to do anything? Does your husband control with whom you spend your time? How do you feel when you ask for something, and he says no?
Controlling behavior comes in many forms, and the biggest sign that your husband is controlling you is when you feel the need to tell him every single detail about your life.
If you don’t do so, you feel guilty for hiding something from him, when in reality, he’s the one who is controlling you.
Many victims are not even aware that they are being controlled because controlling abusers make it seem like this behavior is totally normal.
Negative mindset
Is your husband filled with hatred toward the whole world every single day? Does he successfully (and without trying) find negative elements in every single thing around him?
We can all agree with the fact that life is not black and white. Life is a process painted with multiple colors, with many ups and downs, but this isn’t a reason to lose our optimism.
Constantly having a negative mindset influences not only that one person’s well-being but also other people’s.
Therefore, a bad husband won’t even try to find a silver lining in difficult situations, and he’ll do his best to continue maintaining his negative mindset.
Talking too much and not being willing to listen
Recently I went on a date (okay, a couple of dates) with a guy who talks TOO much. But, believe it or not, that wasn’t the main issue. Besides talking too much, he didn’t listen to me at all.
When I got home, I instantly pictured having a husband like this, and it was a huge no-no.
Excessive talking and unwillingness to listen to other people is not only a trait of a bad husband but of any self-centered person out there.
It’s okay to talk too much (if you really have to), but you should also allow others to express themselves the same way.
The least your husband can do is listen to you when you have something to say because healthy communication is the cornerstone of a happy marriage.
Constantly playing the victim
I’m sure you’re familiar with this type of person. They have no luck like the rest of the human species, and they can’t do anything right.
When they get stuck in traffic, they see themselves as the biggest victim of coincidence. Their boss is their biggest enemy because they simply won’t listen to them.
Also, their wife or husband is their second biggest enemy because they are never on their side, and they don’t understand them.
If you have a husband like this to whom playing the victim has become a hobby, then you know your marriage is toxic.
Not respecting boundaries
Every partner needs some space and time for themselves. No matter how social you are, you just can’t spend all your free time with your partner. Period.
If your husband gets upset when you tell him that you need some time for yourself or when you want to hang out with your friends instead of him, then you know he’s not respecting your boundaries.
Being with a husband like this is a real nightmare. Not respecting boundaries is also a sign of ultimate disrespect toward your partner. Well, I can certainly tolerate lots of things, but disrespect is not one of them.
Being self-centered
When you tell your husband that you had a bad day, what is his response? Does he minimize your feelings and exaggerate his own?
Does he have this tendency to always make you feel like he’s the one who has it worse than you? Being self-centered is a serious issue, and it is usually accompanied by talking too much and not listening.
Self-centered spouses don’t have limits. They think the whole world revolves around them, and you simply can’t have a worse day than them.
You aren’t allowed to express yourself when you want because your words and wishes are not as important as theirs.
If you ask me, a self-centered spouse should definitely be on every list of top 10 toxic spouses out there.
Constantly going to the extreme
Do you ever (or always) feel like your marriage only consists of extremes? Does your husband always nag you? Does he never listen to you? Does he constantly manipulate you?
These are all extremes, and if your husband acts like this, then you know he has lost touch with reality and became one of those toxic husbands.
If you’re the only one who’s doing everything in marriage to make things right while your husband is constantly going to the extreme, then you know a toxic marriage (read: a toxic spouse) has taken its toll.
What Do You Do When You Hate Your Husband?
If you hate your husband, it’s recommended to communicate in a healthy and effective way, work on your marriage, and try couple’s counseling. Here are some things you can try to do when you hate your husband:
Evaluate the situation
Before doing anything, you need to evaluate the situation in your marriage. Instead of simply putting all the blame on your husband, think about your actions as well.
Are you unhappy with yourself and, because of that, projecting hatred toward your husband? Do you think you could improve some things about yourself that could result in less hating of your husband?
As always, don’t jump to conclusions. Stay calm and take time to evaluate your marriage. Remember these points once you decide to talk to your husband about all this because it will give you a better understanding of the whole situation.
Accept him (including his flaws)
Or better said, accept the fact that he’s not perfect and never will be. I’m trying to say that sometimes we start hating others because they don’t meet our expectations.
Of course, there are some things that partners should improve about themselves, but generally, you need to accept your husband for who he is, including his flaws.
Don’t accentuate his every single imperfection, and don’t let it be the reason for your hatred toward him or constant arguments.
This is probably the hardest thing you’ll have to do, but if you want to save your marriage, then it has to be done.
However, don’t get me wrong. If he cheated on you, you certainly don’t need to accept the fact that he’s a cheater and will always be one. Instead, talk to him about it to make sure that he’s willing to change.
Communicate with him in an effective way
What does this mean? It means that you should avoid accusing your husband and playing the blame game. Why?
Because this will not motivate him to change, and it could only make your “marriage situation” even worse than it already is.
Here are a few tips that will help you effectively communicate with him:
- Choose the right time for a conversation.
- Have a conversation in a neutral space (garden or living room).
- Start the conversation with positive words (e.g., how much you appreciate him and similar).
- Express yourself in the most genuine way possible (no sugar-coating or accusing).
- Avoid statements like “You make me feel this way.” “It’s because of you that…”
The bottom line is that you want him to understand that you want to help him improve himself for the sake of saving your marriage.
Try couple’s counseling
After you have an open and honest conversation, it’s time to consider marriage counseling, which is always a great idea. A few of my friends tried it, and they said that it helped them a lot.
Your therapist will teach you how to improve your communication and deal with certain marriage problems. They will provide you with a better understanding of what needs to be done to fix and save your marriage.
In the beginning, you can try seeing a therapist individually, and then you can switch to sessions for couples. As always, consult with your partner and try to find the best solution for both of you.
Work on your marriage and show affection
Don’t be one of those married women who only expect their husbands to change and work on themselves. Remember that you both need to work on your marriage.
You’ll do it by showing affection, surprising each other with romantic gestures, and looking for new ways to make your marriage more exciting, such as fun couple games.
As long as both of you are equally fighting to make the best of your marriage, everything will fall into place.
How Do You Know When Your Marriage Is Over?
You know your marriage is over if you’re feeling isolated, fantasizing about being free of your partner, and there is a lack of effort and respect. Here are all the signs that indicate your marriage is over:
You no longer operate as a team
As you already know, marriage is all about teamwork. So, the question is: Do you operate as a team, or is there a sense of disconnect?
When your spouse becomes your biggest opponent, then you know your marriage is over (unless something changes).
If you practice revenge over forgiveness, such a marriage cannot function.
The truth is, you’ll both make mistakes because it’s in human nature to err, but constantly holding grudges and using every opportunity to argue are huge red flags.
You feel isolated
Do you feel alone even though you have a partner? Well, that’s nothing weird. When tensions and marriage problems prevail, you start feeling isolated and disconnected from your partner.
It’s when you start thinking about what your life would be like without them. It’s when you can’t remember a single positive thing that has happened in your marriage lately.
The feeling of isolation can also prevent you from facing your relationship problems (if there are any), and that’s how you know that your marriage is (probably) over.
Lack of mutual understanding and effort
A marriage without mutual understanding and effort is nothing but a marriage that is doomed to fail.
When judging and arguing, instead of showing understanding, become the main element of your communication, there’s not much space for improvement.
When you choose to be with someone, you choose to do what’s necessary to maintain your relationship. This includes making your partner feel understood and doing your best to make them happy.
Lack of mutual understanding and effort is a clear sign that your marriage is dysfunctional because you obviously no longer care about each other as you used to.
Refusing to take responsibility for your actions
Taking responsibility for your actions is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in a relationship, but it needs to be done if you want things to function.
If all you ever do is blame each other for your mistakes, and no one dares to take responsibility for their actions, then your marriage is no longer in the healthy and happy zone.
Refusing to take responsibility for your actions looks something like this:
- I missed my deadline because of you!
- You’re making me feel like I’m not capable of doing (something).
- You shouldn’t blame me for this. I have no idea how it happened.
- Our marriage sucks, and you’re not doing anything about it.
- You’re not even trying to make me happy.
Negative memories prevail
Every marriage consists of both positive and negative aspects, including memories. I have one question for you (or two).
What’s the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of your marriage? Do you have more positive or negative memories about your marriage?
If only negative memories prevail, it’s an obvious sign that you see your marriage as a toxic union and not something inspiring or empowering.
It’s obvious that your marriage is over because you no longer enjoy the present but daydream about a future when you’ll finally be happy (with someone else).
Inability to control your temper around each other
I’ve convinced myself multiple times that words can hurt more than actions. If you’re unable to control your temper around each other, and you’re not even trying to compromise, this is another red flag of a failing marriage.
When you’re not trying to be in control of your emotions, and you let your temper be your guide, your marriage becomes the martyr of your carelessness.
The future doesn’t excite you
Before, the mere thought of your future together excited you more than anything else in the world. You were excited about moving in together, getting married, having kids, and spending quality time together as a wife and husband.
But now you hate your husband, and a future with him no longer excites you. Why? Maybe because your relationship problems have overshadowed your efforts and affection for each other.
Whatever it may be, if a future with your husband no longer seems enticing, your marriage might be over.
You just don’t want to try anymore
Are you tired of giving your spouse (or each other) one too many second chances? Are you tired of constant arguing, communication failures, and being the only one trying to make things right?
When you give all of yourself to save your marriage and see that it’s still not enough, it’s normal to feel like giving up. Sometimes not wanting to try anymore is exactly what you need to do (assuming the other person is not even trying).
Final Thoughts
Whenever you think of the sentence, I hate my husband, keep in mind that there are probably serious reasons behind this statement that need to be considered.
If you want to save your marriage, both you and your partner need to work on improving it. However, keep in mind that sometimes your marriage is officially over, and there’s no point in fighting for it any longer.
If you need more advice on what to do about your marriage, here’s something that might interest you as well: My Husband Is Mean To Me And It’s Slowly Ruining Our Marriage.