‘‘My husband and I are separated and he is dating some other person. What should I do now? Is this even considered cheating? And why is he doing this in the first place?’’
Those are some of the questions that probably pop into your head if you’ve just separated from your husband and he is already dating someone else. So you may wonder if dating during separation is okay.
We all know that this dating is totally fine if you follow the legal agreements and, of course, live apart with respect to your state’s law.
But what’s up with the emotional side of this issue? Is it okay to feel jealous or maybe even humiliated?
You’ll find the answers to all these questions later in the article, but now let’s focus on how to deal with your husband dating someone during the separation period!
My Husband And I Are Separated And He Is Dating: 6 tips
Although it is completely legal for your husband to date while in the process of separation according to some state laws, it may have an emotional impact on both you and your children, if you have any.
It is totally okay to experience some struggles dealing with the fact that your significant other is fantasizing about someone else and starting a new life in such a short period of time.
1. How did you separate?
It’s important to take into consideration the type of separation between you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
Anyone who is divorced or separated from their spouse needs to be aware of the many separation scenarios as the type of separation can greatly influence their dating life.
There are different types of separations. The first one would be a trial separation. This separation is also known as ‘‘the break.” You and your husband sign a separation agreement and live apart for a while just to figure out where you two actually stand.
In this separation, you are supposed to figure out if you want to go back and fight for your long-term relationship or if you simply want a divorce. This is, however, not a time to experiment with your love life and begin a new relationship.
There is also a legal separation. This is an arrangement where a married couple continues with their marriage; however, they live separately.
If you agree to such a separation, you should be aware of the consequences and never blame your ex-husband for having another serious relationship.
So, the moral of the story is to behave according to the type of separation. If you are on hold with your marriage, he is still a married man, and you have all the right to feel bad.
If you are legally separated and it was a mutual decision, you should try to move on as you are only a married woman on paper. However, similar to a divorce settlement, the court’s decision establishing a legal separation includes provisions for alimony, property split, child support, and custody.
Also, if you have any disagreements regarding the separation process, it’s best that you contact a nearby family law firm.
2. Know your value
After a divorce, it’s pretty common for an ex-wife to lose her self-worth. You may have zero confidence no matter the reason you separated.
You are horrified by the fact that the person who loved and adored you woke up one day and realized that you weren’t the right match for them.
Remember, it’s not he who lowered your self-worth. It’s always you and your mindset. So, how can you stop thinking you are worthless?
First things first, you should know where you are. Self-awareness is the first stage. Recognize, acknowledge, and take note of your own emotions and poor self-worth. But don’t be hard on yourself.
It’s not necessary to despise your negative self-image. Simply accept yourself for who you are and your feelings. Additionally, positive affirmations are always a good thing to start with.
It would be great if you write down all these positive affirmations:
• ‘‘I am enough.’’
• ‘‘I deserve to be happy.’’
• ‘‘I am grateful for everything in my life.’’
• ‘‘Everything that I need is within me.’’
• ‘‘I don’t need a man to be happy.’’
• ‘‘I value myself.’’
I am sure you’re thinking now that this is complete nonsense and that there’s no way it might help, but try doing this for a couple of days, and you’ll start to see the results!
3. Focus on yourself
If your divorce proceedings aren’t finalized yet, but he has already moved out and is dating someone else, then it’s time to focus on yourself.
I know how this can be a real challenge not only for you but also for everyone around you – your family, best friends, and kids. Your success will be the best revenge.
You should focus on yourself, and the thought “My husband and I are separated and he is dating’’ should never again cross your mind.
I know you’re probably thinking: “It’s the end of the world. My ex found a 20-year-old, and he’s happy that we finally split up.’’
As a separated wife, you owe yourself to think more rationally. First of all, it’s not your fault. It’s totally normal that people lose interest in you.
What isn’t normal is that you lose interest in yourself. Focus and work on yourself! Firstly, cut off all communication with your ex. The only communication you should have with him should be regarding your children.
Finding positive distractions is the next step in the healing process. It would be great if you could set some goals regarding your social, personal, and work lives.
Setting goals can help you focus on something useful and get your attention off of your ex-husband. Also, don’t be shy in rewarding yourself for accomplishing any goal that you’ve set. Remember: you don’t need anyone to be happy.
Setting up a daily, healthy routine can also help you focus on yourself. Of course, there are also your children. They are and will be one of the definite reasons to keep fighting during this awful time.
4. Avoid conflict with him
Being in constant conflict with him, although there’s nothing more to say, will only do you harm. The moment he decided to start dating again, he put an end to your previous relationship.
This is definitely not the time for you to complain about why he used dating sites even though he wasn’t yet a separated man or the fact that he had physical contact with some other girl while still living under the same roof as you and the children.
This is the time to let him go completely, as this is the exact thing he did to you a long time ago.
Conflict will only make you feel worse as you’ll see his real attitude toward you and how little he cares about you.
5. You still have a future
One important note: don’t worry about your future! Just think about your mental health and remaining stable during these hard times.
Even if you are left unemployed and with children – don’t worry! By getting a divorce attorney, you can legally get money from your partner after the separation or divorce.
This spousal support can help you get on your feet and allow you a fresh start without your ex-partner. And with family, friends, and children on your side, you will be unstoppable!
6. Talk about your feelings
People deal with their problems differently. Some people prefer to withdraw from everyone, even their loved ones. Others can’t spend a minute alone.
I think that it’s crucial to know the right balance. Although it’s completely fine to be alone in this situation, talking to friends and family can be very useful.
Maybe your friends have been through a similar situation, maybe your mother is a wiser person who can advise you correctly. Two heads are better than one!
5 Reasons He’s Dating Someone Else
Although you shouldn’t be thinking about the reasons your husband is dating during your separation, knowing why can make things easier.
1. Loneliness can drive someone crazy
A separation or divorce is something people never easily accept. This applies to both parties in the marriage. No matter the reason, no matter whose fault it is.
Right after the separation, both of you will feel extremely lonely. After all this time spent together, it’s your first time actually living apart. All this stress and change in your daily routine will have a huge impact on your emotional state.
We are all different and deal with the same situations differently. While you are at home grieving over him and hiding from your kids so that they don’t see you in this condition, he is out there dating someone new.
You would probably understand if he started dating after some time passed, but right after you’ve separated?
Well…maybe this is his way of dealing with loneliness. He was so scared to deal with everything alone, so he thought that the best thing to do would be to find someone to have around.
It’s possible that he wanted a shoulder to cry on because the pain was becoming intolerable. He was a partner in the same marriage that is currently in disaster, so he must be experiencing the same pain as you.
He needed someone who would brighten his days and help him understand that he has the right to enjoy life.
2. He wants to hurt you
There are numerous reasons your husband started dating someone while separated. He might be lonely, or he may be using his new partner as an ego boost or as a rebound, but this reason is specific.
Whenever a marriage has been in a horrible condition for a long time, a separation can be difficult.
He may be filled with hate that was once love as a result of all the resentment that has built up in your marriage. And his primary goal of the separation is to hurt you.
For this reason, your husband might try to get you back. He might blame you for the breakup, or he might be upset that you even brought up the subject.
It can hurt a lot, especially if you have children, to think that your family is about to split, so perhaps he can’t handle it.
Overall, he wants to hurt you in the same manner that you hurt him because, in his eyes, you are the villain, and he wants to get payback on you.
While you’re still hurting, he wants everybody to recognize that he has moved on since you.
He’s obviously attempting to get you back because he has a lot of animosity that he’s not sure how to handle.
3. He’s using her as an ego boost
After your marriage ended, he probably had issues with his own identity as you definitely became a huge part of it.
Not only this, but he also might have confidence issues as this is totally normal after a separation or divorce. He has lost all sense of self and is now in desperate need of validation.
And there’s no better way to do this than by finding a new partner. With his new relationship, he will be able to feel attracted to someone again and impress her with his qualities.
In other words, she will serve as an ego boost. This will help him to start feeling like a man again.
He’s not searching for anything significant right now. He is not going to start dating the first woman he meets.
Instead, despite the fact that your marriage was a complete failure, he needs to feel that he can still attract your attention.
4. She is a rebound
Perhaps your divorced husband is seeing someone else to take his mind off his suffering. It’s difficult to acknowledge that your marriage is in trouble, and there are moments when you just need to get away from your own thoughts.
In such an instance, he might have chosen to begin dating again because he needs a rebound relationship so badly.
He needs someone who can help him turn his attention away from the upsetting situation he is currently experiencing.
Yes, if you think that this rebound relationship won’t last long, you’re right. It will merely be a method for getting over his failed marriage. This is just his attempt at moving on after you and ridding himself of the upsetting thoughts.
5. He really is in love
You probably don’t want to hear this reason; however, we cannot exclude it.
You should be aware that your separated man might be seeing someone else because he really did fall in love with them.
Even though he wasn’t searching for a serious relationship when they first met, he quickly came to the conclusion that he really liked her.
He thought that she might be the one to come to his rescue during these hard times. I understand that it’s probably hard for you to accept this possibility.
He had already taken grasp of someone else’s hand the moment you two split up. Love, however, is not bound by space or time.
Everything suddenly changes when it just happens out of the blue. It will be difficult to accept that he moved on after you as if you had no value to him while you remained fixed.
There isn’t much you can do about it, though, if things were supposed to turn out this way. Stop second-guessing yourself and allow yourself to recover fully.
You won’t be able to get the necessary closure in any other manner.
Is He Cheating If We Are Separated?
Well, it all depends on the type of separation. Some state laws don’t recognize legal separation. So, in some states, you can be either married or not. There is no in-between.
Therefore, even if your partner moved out and you two are living separate lives, it might still be considered adultery.
But what if you’ve already started the divorce process? It all depends on the state. For example, once divorce papers are filed, Texas state law doesn’t address dating or sexual activity.
But until the divorce is finalized, you cannot have relations with anybody other than your spouse without facing repercussions.
Even when couples are living apart, any extramarital contact that is maintained before a divorce agreement has been signed may be construed as infidelity and have an effect on child support, asset division, and alimony.
The bottom line is that even if you are already living apart from your husband, postpone dating until after your divorce is legally finalized.
Keep in mind that you are still legally married until the court stamps the divorce papers.
What Is The Difference Between Separated And Divorced?
Divorce refers to the whole disintegration of the marital state.
A woman may resume using her former name after all assets have been divided, child support has been decided upon, and agreements have been arranged for the kids.
When a couple gets divorced, their estates are once more divided, and they typically can’t share tax filing statuses or health insurance benefits.
Separation is basically the agreed end of cohabitation. There is no requirement that you reside with your spouse according to the law, and you can separate without filing any legal documents.
The separation of your marriage, however, might have an impact on some of your legal rights, such as the criteria for benefits status or taxes.
See also: 11 Warning Signs Your Ex Is Turning Your Child Against You
On A Final Note
Divorce is the second-most stressful life event, right behind a family member’s dating.
So, if the thought ‘‘My husband and I are separated and he is dating’’ is responsible for countless sleepless nights, I can totally understand why.
Sometimes it will be very hard to deal with the empty house, the shock of being replaced, and the look on your children’s faces.
Truth be told, it won’t be easy for you. But, focusing on yourself, spending quality time with your children, and reaching out to your loved ones will make the situation more bearable.
Keep in mind: every end is a new beginning!