Not so long ago, I told my therapist: “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad.” Just like that, I spoke the sentence that’s been bugging me for some time. And I felt relieved because I spilled it out.
At that point, my husband and I had been together for a couple of years. I was certain that everything was flawless in our relationship, everything besides the fact that we were trapped in a sexless marriage.
Luckily, my therapist told me that there was a way out of this situation. A way that didn’t include adultery or divorce.
So, here I am: sharing this wisdom and showing you how I saved my libido and my marriage.
I Have No Sex Drive And My Husband Is Mad: 11 Things To Do
Follow this 11-step program and revive your libido in the blink of an eye.
1. Find the cause of your low sex drive
The first thing you must do is find the underlying cause of this problem.
You’re only human, and it’s natural to have sexual desire, especially when you’re married. After all, you’re constantly with the man you love and who attracts you physically. If this is not the case and if your sex life is suffering, there must be a reason for it.
So, what is it? Dig deep inside of yourself and be completely honest. Don’t worry – you can do it on your own, without your husband, at least in the beginning.
The worst possible scenario is for you to ignore the fact that you have a low libido. There is an issue here that should be worked on. And the first step is to dissect your feelings to try and find out what’s wrong.
Are you attracted to other men but not your husband? Do you have a sexless marriage but can feel turned on by other guys? What about masturbating?
Do you still have romantic feelings for your husband? Do you see him as your partner or just a roommate?
Finally, would you like to have a higher sex drive, or are you perfectly okay with your low sexual desire?
Once you answer these questions, you’re good to go!
2. Work on your relationship
When you tell someone: “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad,” the first piece of advice you’ll get is to spice things up in the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with that.
However, you have to understand that a lack of sex in your marriage is a sign of something else. Therefore, if you put your bedroom activities in first place, you’ll only deal with the surface problem, which is wrong.
That is why you have to work on your relationship before anything else. It’s time to rebuild your marriage because it’s obviously broken.
Don’t obsess over sexual satisfaction. Instead, just introduce some romance into our marriage.
Go on date nights, start saying “I love you” more, and surprise each other. All of these things will strengthen your bond and make you and your husband fall back in love with one another.
Once this happens, higher libido will come along.
3. Work on your libido by yourself
Did you know that you can work on your libido by yourself? Start with masturbating and see if you’re capable of reaching climax by yourself.
If that’s the case, there is nothing physically wrong with you. This is not about sexual dysfunction – your marriage needs to be worked on.
Explore different sexual topics. What turns you on the most? Where and how do you enjoy being touched?
Forget about social norms and dig deep inside yourself. Discover your deepest sexual desires and wildest sexual fantasies. Don’t be ashamed – there is no one listening; you can be honest with yourself.
Is there something your husband does to cause your lower libido? What are your dislikes and turnoffs in the bedroom?
Just be careful: if you decide to watch porn or read erotic stories, don’t exaggerate. It’s okay to dive into this world to help yourself out, but don’t lose touch with reality.
4. Don’t look for a cure outside of your marriage
When a woman says: “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad,” in most cases, her first impulse is to go to social media or someplace else and look for another man to skyrocket her libido.
In fact, both men and women act like this when their long-term relationship becomes sexless.
Well, I’m advising you not to. As long as you’re here, it means that you think your marriage is worth saving. Infidelity will only make things worse.
First of all, it would be unfair to your husband to cheat on him. Besides, the first time you do, you’ll realize that it’s not the solution to your problems. No, you won’t get a high libido like that.
You should try and fix this issue inside of your marriage instead of looking for a cure outside of it. If you don’t listen to this advice, your relationship will be broken beyond repair. Just like that, you’ll have another problem you have to deal with.
5. Open communication
Look, your husband knows very well what’s going on. Trust me, he doesn’t believe that you have a headache all the time. And nobody is that tired.
I mean, he married a high-libido woman, and now all of a sudden, he’s got one with zero sexual needs.
So, don’t try ignoring the problem because it won’t magically go away. Instead, remember the importance of open communication in every relationship.
Say it out loud: “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad.” There is nothing shameful here.
Talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. Give him all the answers you have yourself in the beginning.
Try to analyze your relationship to figure out where and when things started going downhill. Did something out of the norm happen? How was your sex life like before you faced low sexual desire?
6. Try to understand your husband
Most importantly, ask your husband how he feels about this situation. Ask him to be honest because that’s the whole point of healthy communication.
Yes, you know he’s mad. But I mean, let’s be real: who wouldn’t be? Instead of fighting with him, do your best to understand his position.
I mean, this man has sexual needs. He is attracted to you, and he wants you two to be intimate as much as possible. But it’s more than obvious that you don’t share the same desires.
All of that makes him frustrated. The worst part is that he has no idea what’s going on. What’s the cause of your low libido?
Has he become unattractive overnight? Are you not pleased with his sexual performance? Did you stop loving him? Are you in love with someone else? Are you cheating on him?
Trust me: there is nothing worse for a male ego than this situation.
But even though he’s allowed to be mad, this isn’t an excuse to be abusive or unfaithful. Everything can be resolved, and if it can’t, nobody can stop him from leaving you.
7. Don’t play the blame game
Here’s another big fat no for all the women saying: “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad”: playing the blame game. I have to warn you: you’ll both feel tempted to do this, but this practice can be fatal for your marriage.
Your low sexual desire is nobody’s fault. I’m sure your husband is doing his best to turn you on. He is trying his hardest to improve your sex life. Besides, he’s feeling bad already. His self-esteem is at its lowest, and you definitely shouldn’t do anything to destroy it even more.
At the same time, he must avoid accusing you. It’s not like you enjoy your sexless marriage. I mean, you’d be much happier if you didn’t have to struggle with your low libido.
Remember: it’s you two against the problem, not one against the other. If you start with the blame game, you’ll just end up arguing pointlessly, and you’ll never come to a solution. Instead, focus all this energy on resolving this issue in the healthiest way possible.
8. Physical intimacy other than sex
You see, there are tons of other intimate things you could be doing besides sex. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not claiming that sex isn’t a crucial part of every romantic relationship. However, it’s not the only thing that can improve a couple’s intimacy and strengthen their connection.
You have a low sex drive – I get it. But that doesn’t include kissing, hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and things like that, does it?
Yes, all of this can lead to sex, but this time, sex is not first place. Don’t see these things as foreplay – just give your husband a passionate kiss and see how you feel afterward.
Also, don’t forget about public displays of affection. Don’t jump all over each other in public, but don’t forget to hold hands or walk around while hugging. Show the world that you’re proud to have a husband like him!
Since you’re the one with low libido, it would also be fair for you to initiate these forms of intimacy. This will be more powerful than saying, “I love you.”
9. Start dating your husband again
I’ve already advised you to go on date nights with your husband. But for some couples, going on a couple of dates doesn’t help much. If that’s the case with you, I suggest you start dating your husband again.
Don’t worry, you can still live together. But why wouldn’t you pretend like you’ve just met and you’re about to fall in love with each other for the first time again?
Flirt with this man and do your best to get to know him on another level. Ask him to court you, and you start doing the same. Text each other good morning and good night even though you’re sleeping next to each other.
Do everything a new couple would do. This includes holding off on having sex as well. After all, if you’ve just met this man, you’ll need some time to relax before sleeping with him, am I right?
Take things slowly. Remember: baby steps are key. When you feel the need to take this “relationship” to the next level, do so.
Your husband might even propose to you all over again! This way, you can wait for your “wedding night” to sleep with him. How romantic is that?
10. Try new things in the bedroom
Now that you’ve worked on all the layers of your partnership, it’s time to focus on the real deal. That’s right, you’ve reached the stage where you can hit the bedroom.
But please, don’t do whatever you were doing before. It’s clear that you’ve gotten tired of the same old routine. Or maybe deep down, it never pleased you.
Either way, now is the time to spice up your sex life. You and your husband have mastered the art of healthy communication, and nothing can stop you now.
Remember when you worked on your libido by yourself? Well, what’s stopping you from implementing all those things in real intercourse now?
Tell your husband what you’re into. Tell him that you’ve been exploring your body, and talk to him about everything you’ve discovered.
Most importantly, explore each other. Discover your preferences together.
Try sexting, role-playing, dirty talk, BSDM… whatever comes to mind. Look, I’m not saying that you’ll enjoy all of these things.
It’s always important to only do things you’re comfortable with. However, make sure to push your limits and try something new.
11. Visit a sex therapist
Finally, I suggest going to a sex therapist. Don’t worry, this is perfectly normal, and it only means that you’re mature enough to recognize the problem.
You’ll be able to talk to a mental health expert who will help you get to the bottom of your problem and help you resolve it in the healthiest way possible.
Of course, it would be best to visit a sex therapist with your husband. You can try out different types of sex therapy and get your sex life back on its feet.
However, you can also go on your own, even before discussing it with him, or even if he’s not interested.
What Causes Low Sex Drive In A Wife?
We’ve already talked about how important it is to find the cause of your problem. I mean, you didn’t just wake up one morning and say, “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad,” did you? This has been going on for a while now, and it’s about time you see what’s hidden behind this sentence.
1. Relationship problems
The most common cause of low sex drive in women is different relationship problems. As hard as you try, you can’t separate your body, mind, and heart.
What does this mean? Well, if your heart is broken, it’s impossible for the person who hurt you to turn you on.
You can’t feel any physical attraction or sexual desire towards the man who caused you emotional pain – it’s simply how women work.
You have an unhappy marriage, and you’re perfectly aware that jumping into bed with your husband won’t magically make things okay.
Maybe you have trust issues in your marriage. Or do you feel betrayed because of something he did?
Maybe you feel like you have a disrespectful husband, or you two are arguing so much that you can’t get yourself to even kiss him, let alone something else. The list could be endless, but you get the picture.
In that case, you know what has to be done in the first place. The moment you resolve your relationship problems, your high libido will come back.
2. Hormone imbalance
Hormone imbalance is a frequent cause of low sex drive in women. This is especially common for women going through menopause.
Another diagnosis is hypogonadism. To put things simply, having this condition means that your body is unable to produce enough sex hormones. If you’re a woman, we’re talking about estrogen.
This is exactly what happens during menopause: your estrogen levels start to decrease. This is usually followed by vaginal dryness.
Either way, the biggest problem is that you’re probably not even aware that you have a hormone imbalance. That’s why I suggest you pay your MD a visit and do a check-up before anything else.
3. Low self-esteem
Have you involuntarily gained or lost a lot of weight lately? Or maybe you’re just not feeling like your best self? In this case, your low self-esteem might be what’s causing your low sexual desire.
This is even more possible if your husband is mean and has been making nasty remarks about your appearance. He’s killed your confidence, and now you’d rather die than allow him to see you naked. You no longer feel loved and wanted, and consequently, nothing can turn you on.
Once again, you have to work on the cause, which means boosting your self-esteem.
4. Poor communication in the bedroom
Open communication is the key to a healthy relationship, and that includes the bedroom as well. Therefore, if you can’t tell your husband what your likes and dislikes are, and if he’s not putting any effort into pleasing you, it’s natural that your libido is at its lowest.
You wouldn’t admit this to him, but you’d rather spend time masturbating than sleeping with him. At least, like this, you climax.
If this is something you can relate to, please talk to your man about sex. Show him how to please you!
5. Mental health problems
If you’ve been struggling with mental health problems, such as depression, it’s perfectly natural that your libido has almost disappeared. Keep in mind that a low sex drive is a side effect of certain antidepressants.
I suggest talking to your mental health expert and telling them about the issues you’re facing. Maybe they’ll prescribe you a different type of antidepressant. But please, don’t do anything on your own without consulting a professional!
Is It Normal To Have No Sex Drive In A Relationship?
Having no sex drive in a long-term relationship or marriage is actually more common than you might think. In fact, both men and women face this problem, so nobody can tell you it’s not normal.
However, it is definitely a sign of trouble. The worst thing you can do is accept things as they are and just go with the flow. Remember: this is a romantic relationship, not a friendship, and your partner is not your roommate.
Luckily, there are numerous ways to help you build a higher libido. No, sexual desire is not a death sentence for your relationship, and it most definitely doesn’t have to be permanent.
To Wrap Up:
If you’re a woman who says, “I have no sex drive and my husband is mad,” it means only one thing: you’ve taken the first step – you’ve admitted that you have a problem. You’ve reached the point of self-awareness where you see what this is doing to your marriage, and you’re mature enough to recognize how this entire situation makes your husband feel.
This means that you have a great chance of making things better. If your husband is also ready to work on your low libido, there is nothing that will stop you both from succeeding.