“It’s not you, it’s me” is the most common and popular breakup line ever since Gwen used it to break up with George Costanza in Seinfeld. But, it’s also the biggest lie ever!
Does it ring any bells?
I bet all of you have had an awkward situation like this.
You think everything is okay. You think you have found someone who is caring and loving. You think you’ve finally found your soulmate. You think you’ll stay together forever, and you pray for that to happen every single night.
Until one day, they come and make your whole world collapse with only one sentence: “We need to talk.”
Then pops up those 5 heartbreaking words: “It’s not you, it’s me,” with your soon-to-be-ex wearing that puppy-eyed look.
You start to feel a roller coaster of emotions overwhelming you, and the tears start falling down your cheeks.
You’re not sure how to interpret those words… Is it truly the way your partner feels, or is it just a regular breakup excuse? And I’m here for you today to help you find out and clear your doubts.
What Does It Mean When They Say, ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’?
I don’t know what is with these ‘men,’ if I can call them that anymore, nowadays… It’s like the bed is the only place they actually have balls.
If you don’t like someone anymore, come clean about it. If you’ve cheated on your partner, you owe them an apology – you can’t use a breakup to get away with it.
You’re guilty of someone’s heartbreak, and all you did was come up with a lousy breakup phrase. I mean, really, dude? That’s a real cowardly act.
It also may have several ambiguous meanings… Ironically, it almost never means what it actually means because most people only use it as a breakup excuse.
In most cases, this breakup phrase simply means…
• Classic breakup excuse
‘You did absolutely nothing that could make me break up with you, but still, I have to do it because I feel the grass is greener on the other side’ – I’m sure this is the scenario that has been playing in the heads of all those who use ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ as an excuse to leave someone in a “nice way.”
On the one hand, they’re actually right because it is them – they’re the one initiating the breakup because they have other interests.
On the other hand, they also use it so they don’t complicate things any further and so they don’t look bad for leaving their partner for someone else.
Even though this phrase sounds clear, it may have a hidden meaning. It may just be a form of manipulation. A manipulation you should never fall for.
• Cowardly act
I’m sure they did not only leave you with this awful breakup line but that they also did it via social media… Am I right? Well, you’re obviously dealing with a chicken here who doesn’t have the guts to break up with you in person.
They think that if they take the blame fully, then everything will be okay. Yes, it would be okay if you are a fucking idiot!
But with your common sense, you can’t and shouldn’t accept that they are just leading you on. My relationship advice is that you should confront them. Make them admit the real reason for breaking up with you.
“Why are you such a coward? Why don’t you stand in front of me and have your heart on your sleeve?
Tell me if you are not attracted to me anymore. Tell me if I gained some weight and you don’t consider me hot anymore.
Whatever the reason is just tell me, okay? Because I won’t buy that cliché that it’s all about you.”
• Relief of conscience
The relationship is made of two people (3, 4, 5…as you like it) and the point is that each and every person has something to do with the breakup.
It’s not as simple as you think.
If you’re someone who used this breakup line to end your relationship, just pump the brakes and think about your partner for a second. They would like to know where the problem was. For days to come. For partners to fall in love with.
That won’t make you feel better about your mistake. So, just be honest. That’s the least you can do for the person you shared everything with.
You should bear in mind that everything will be revealed eventually.
Every lie, every secret. Everything will be revealed and you can’t do anything to make it stop.
That’s the way that cookie crumbles. So, if you’ve stopped loving your partner, you need to admit it to them. That’s the only way you’ll ease your conscience.
• Making it easier
Easier for who? For the dumpee? For the person who didn’t deserve it at all because all they did was love you too deeply and without any limits?
There is no way to make it easier for them. And if you’re trying to ease their pain by leaving them in this awful way, you’re only complicating things even more and only prolonging their agony and pain.
That’s not how things function in real life. Being left by someone you love the most will hurt no matter how the breakup occurs. That’s the kind of pain that can’t be reduced or eased in any way.
On the flip side, it may also mean…
• Admission of guilt
This is the literal meaning behind this phrase. ‘It’s not about you, it’s about me’ may really mean that the problem is with them, that they did something and aren’t able to forgive themselves.
Maybe they even tried to leave it behind and move on, but it kept haunting them. They couldn’t stay with you under such pressure and decided that ending things would be the best thing.
But again, their actions are still deeply unfair, and they’re still (unintentionally) hurting you. Admitting their mistakes and taking full responsibility for them was the only right thing to do in this case.
• Unaddressed and unresolved issues
This is the most common reason most relationships end: unhealthy and irregular communication.
I think that all relationship experts would agree that there is no healthy relationship without healthy communication. There has to be understanding in relationships, but that doesn’t mean that your partner must read your mind because none of us have those abilities.
The thing is that if you don’t address things that are bothering you in your relationship in time, you’ll end up bottling them up inside. You’ll keep bottling and pilling them up inside until one day…
BOOM 💥 A huge explosion happens and burns your relationship to the ground.
Also, those unresolved issues may create an aversion to your partner. You’ll understand that your feelings have changed, which will lead you to make this decision.
• Emotional/physical/mental health issues
If you’ve noticed that your partner has mental health or self-esteem issues or some problems with their best friends and family, there is a possibility that is the real reason why they’re dumping you.
When a person is struggling with low self-esteem, they become prone to weighing up relationships they have with other people. They constantly wonder if they truly deserve to be loved, and, unfortunately, that almost never ends well.
If you feel that this may be the case with your partner, then don’t insist on finding out the real reason for your breakup. Leave them alone, give them time to think about it all, and sort out their feelings in peace.
• Commitment issues
Your partner may also be struggling with commitment, and maybe it’s really about them. They just can’t enter into a serious relationship, and they don’t want to keep leading you on.
There is that inner voice in them that keeps telling them they’re making a mistake. That they should enjoy their single life a little while longer.
If you have noticed the patterns of commitment phobia in your partner, it’s possible that they didn’t use ‘it’s not you, it’s me‘ as a breakup excuse – it’s a running away from commitment excuse. They really feel that way and don’t want to hurt you anymore.
How Do You Respond To ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’?
If your partner comes to you with this breakup line, the most important thing for you is to keep calm. Don’t react immediately.
Take a deep breath before you say anything. And then, speak whatever lies in your heart.
However, if you need help, here are two sassy responses to this very lame breakup line.
✔️ You’re damn right; it’s not me, it’s you
You fought hard to maintain your relationship. So, there is no reason for you to be sad, and there is no reason for you to regret anything.
You’re the one that can leave the relationship with their head held high because you know you did absolutely nothing wrong.
That’s why you should agree with your partner that it’s not you – it’s them. And you shouldn’t feel bad about anything.
✔️ It’s your loss, not mine
You are the person on the receiving end, but you’re also strong enough, and I know you can handle the truth. You were just not meant to be, and that’s a fact you’ll need to come to terms with.
However, just try to push that replay button in your mind on your entire relationship. Think about all the things you needed to give up because of them. Think about all the sacrifices you had to make to make them happy.
They lost someone who truly loved them and was ready to give up everything for them. You, on the other hand, lost someone who was never ready to reciprocate those feelings.
The bottom line is that it is pretty obvious whose loss it is, so stop dwelling on it. If they want to leave, hold the door open for them.
◾ And one thing you should not by any means say when someone is using this breakup excuse to get rid of you is…
✖️ “I just want to know, do you still love me?”
Who cares now? It’s over, they’re leaving you, and that’s all that is important. That’s the only focus right now.
And the absolute worst thing you could do at that moment is to say ‘I love you‘ to them, to the person who’s leaving you. That’s a huge no-no that will only make you look miserable. That’s not how you’ll win the breakup.
I had a similar situation in my life, and trust me, trying to keep the person who gave up on me so long ago is still my biggest mistake and regret.
They’re breaking up with you, and there is your answer. Know that if they do love you, they would never turn their back on you, no matter what.
In A Nutshell
If your partner gives you the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ breakup speech, try to understand them. After all, the truth is, it’s difficult to live with someone who wants all or nothing.
You were in love, charmed, and obsessed with someone who really did not deserve it, who did not deserve you at all.
Now, you have to accept it and come to terms with the fact that your hearts stopped beating for each other. The game is over now.
So go ahead, cry your heart out, and then start all over again. Find new love, a new sky to live under, and forget about the one who didn’t know how to keep you close.