”If he wanted to, he would.” This piece of dating advice has become extremely popular on TikTok. We hear it more and more often, and every time we do, it’s like our heart is being ripped out.
If a guy likes you, he’ll make an effort, right? It’s that simple… Or is it?
Sometimes, we tend to oversimplify other people’s actions. We say to ourselves or others that it’s not that deep, that the answer is so obvious, but we just refuse to be honest with ourselves.
And yes, sometimes a guy just doesn’t want you. But, if he has expressed interest yet backed off, there’s a good reason for that.
If you stay with me, I’ll show you that using the phrase, “If he wanted to, he would” isn’t only harmful to the person who hears it, but it’s also very, very WRONG.
What Does The Phrase If He Wanted To He Would Mean?
It means if a guy wanted to be with you, he would make an effort.
According to this trending phrase, a lack of effort hides a lack of interest. Someone who doesn’t chase you just doesn’t like you enough.
I’m sure your friends have tried to comfort you with this many times. I know mine have. And each time, I felt horrible. Why?
Well, because when you say ”if he wanted to, he would” to a woman, she starts feeling like she’s the one to blame.
Even when she acts like she’s angry at HIM, deep down, she feels she’s at fault. Things get even worse when she starts comparing herself to her guy’s ex-girlfriends.
All kinds of questions pop into her head:
Why did he try so hard for them but not for me? Am I less worthy of affection? Is there something wrong with me?
You get the idea. If you keep saying ”if he wanted to, he would” to a best friend, trust me, you will only make them feel worse.
The truth is much more complicated…
That’s always how it goes. A guy rejects you, and your lack of self-worth makes you search for flaws and reasons why someone wouldn’t want to be with you.
Even more, you start feeling like guys don’t like you in general. I’m no different…
A guy ghosted me for days while being active on social media apps, so I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. But, when I finally replied, he was acting cold.
Now, the logical thinking process would be: ”What an awful person! He doesn’t deserve my love!”
But, mine was more like: ”OMG, maybe I shouldn’t have ignored him. This is all my fault now.”
NO! My ladies, if you give someone all your love and attention, then you did nothing wrong. If he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated, that’s on HIM.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a bad guy either. People have a lot of personal issues and trauma that prevent them from being involved with someone.
Maybe this man really likes you, but there are things holding him back.
Maybe his last girlfriend messed him up so badly that he’s afraid to get close to someone again. Or, perhaps, his job is at the top of his priority list.
His problems don’t excuse his behavior, but they can help you understand that his reasons are usually much deeper than just him not wanting you.
You don’t owe him anything
I can’t emphasize this enough – just because you understand how hard it is for your guy doesn’t mean you should forgive him every time he mistreats you in any way.
Yes, if he stopped texting you, there’s most likely a reason that has nothing to do with you, but does that make it okay?
Whoever makes you sad is not worthy of your time, no matter the circumstances.
So, the next time a guy rejects you, be neither angry nor forgiving. It’s not your job to make him chase you. Just say these words to yourself:
”He has his issues, and that’s fine, but I deserve so much more. I hope he’ll get better, but fixing him isn’t my job. I want to be his girlfriend, not his therapist.”
Your worth isn’t connected to him
I know you want him to love you back, and I’m sorry that’s not the case. But, while it’s okay to be sad about it, you shouldn’t let it ruin your entire life.
Just because he didn’t call you after your first date doesn’t mean you aren’t girlfriend material. It especially doesn’t mean you are unworthy of love.
Don’t allow your own self-worth to disappear just because someone’s issues got in the way of them loving you.
It’s beautiful to be noticed by someone we like, but if they don’t give you the love and validation you seek, make sure to raise your standards.
What A Guy Means When He Wants To Take It Slow
It just means he’s afraid.
He probably had many negative experiences, and now he’s overly cautious when it comes to relationships. He doesn’t want to start anything unless he’s 100% sure about you.
I know taking it slow seems like a red flag, and it CAN be. Some guys will walk all over you while keeping their options open. If he wanted to, he would be with you.
But, it’s not always like that…
Some genuinely want to be with you but just want to make sure you’re the right woman for them first.
It can be hard to differentiate between the two, but you can never go wrong by listening to your gut feeling.
How Long Does It Take A Man To Know He Wants To Commit?
That depends on the man.
Some are able to commit very soon, while others are broken men haunted by their past traumas.
I know it’s annoying to wait for a guy, but things are much more complicated than ”if he wanted to, he would.”
So, if you’ve come across a mentally strong man with no issues, it will probably take him a few weeks to become official with you.
But, if you’re involved with a guy who has intimacy issues, you might wait a bit longer.
However, I hope you know that just because you like someone doesn’t mean you should fight for them no matter what. Even if he’s troubled, he should still somehow show his love for you.
You should be understanding but not to the point where it damages your self-esteem and overall mental health.
I’ll never forget the words of an old friend: ”It’s okay to want to take care of someone, but you should never neglect your own well-being for someone else’s sake.”
It sounds so simple, yet we often forget it. We’re so eager to be loved that we’ll do anything.
Well, I, your humble dating coach, am here to remind you that YOU come first, so be gentle with yourself.
How Can You Tell If He’s Serious About You?
You can tell by the amount of effort he puts in.
HOWEVER, this isn’t necessarily the case. Sometimes, a guy wants you more than anything, yet he stands frozen because he doesn’t know how to make it happen.
He either fears that you’ll reject him to the point where he’d rather be without you.
Or, he has major abandonment issues that make him believe nothing will ever last. This kind of guy sees you slip away long before you’re even his.
The last thing on his mind is causing you heartbreak, but his problems are greater than his desire for you.
This doesn’t mean that he’s not serious about you, though. He’s just obviously not in the right place to have a relationship.
Try putting yourself in his shoes, and give him some time… but not too much time because that will turn into a toxic relationship.
Every relationship expert will tell you the same: He may be a good guy, but if your dating life is bringing more sadness than happiness in your life, then you should stay away.
See? At the end of the day, it’s almost never about you. If you’re loving, and you try hard, don’t blame yourself when he’s not able to show up.
I know that dealing with rejection isn’t easy, but try to remember how complex your own inner world is.
Remember how many times you’ve wanted to do something, but your negative thoughts got a hold of you and stopped you from fulfilling your wish.
And you know that’s not because the wish wasn’t important enough. Sometimes, it’s just too damn hard.
So, no. ”If he wanted to, he would” isn’t the kind of advice you should be giving anyone.
Still, have enough self-respect to break up with a guy who can’t make you as happy as you want to be. Wish him all the best and move on.